Adventures in Aging

Dear Useless Reproductive System:

We have been on quite the adventure you and I. You started messing with me about age 7. That is when I began to change. I began growing up and out. I started becoming more masculine in appearance. My voice got deeper and more booming. By puberty you and I were engaged in full-scale warfare. I started growing my ever-impressive beer belly...without the beer. My face exploded into a magnificent cornucopia of acne-induced nastiness. My voice kept getting deeper and louder although I rarely spoke. The awkwardness you helped induce...combined with many other issues...made me pathologically shy. You taunted me with the physicality of femininity but left me with a masculine countenance that made me most unfeminine. Then the cherry on top...ta...da...you are gay. Oh...thank you so much...that makes things so much clearer and less awkward...especially since you didn't let my brain in on the joke until I was 19.

Moving along...things remained weird and awkward until my late 30's when you started acting up again. I can't remember now what you were up to but I remember finally giving in and going to a gynecologist in Nashville. She took one look at me and told me I had PCOS. That explains that note my doctor wrote that talked about hirsutism without explaining what that really meant years earlier. PCOS...for those who do not know...is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It means that for a great deal of my life I have been growing cysts on my ovaries that interfere with estrogen production amongst other things. You may wonder about this diagnosis but never fear...we paid several hundred dollars on blood tests to prove said diagnosis. My gynecologist and I then embarked on a journey of frustration and worthlessness. It was lovely.

So...in my late 30's you and I began our journey into peri-menopause. We had fun with timing issues, I began to have to shave my chin every day, I kept getting heavier for no good reason...and on and on we went. Sometime in my mid 40's we reached a kind of truce. You stopped hassling me with those monthly joys and I stopped torturing you with attempts to manipulate your hormonal dance of death. I became pre-occupied with other aches and pains. I became aware of my depression and PTSD. We ignored one another happily for many years except for those random periods of shooting pains that stop a girl dead in her tracks. Thankfully...those come fairly rarely these days.

Now here I am in my early 50's and I feel like we are entering a new chapter in our ongoing battle for supremacy. I have managed to get a handle on my PTSD and depression. My brain and I have reached détente where they are concerned. But now...now seems to be your turn to shine again. I win the battle of the hot flashes with Vitamin E. I don't know how or why it works...it just does. You win the night sweats with your pillow case destroying powers. But I fear I am losing the more important emotional battles with you. For the last couple of weeks or so you have been particularly hostile. I am inexplicably exhausted feeling. I am incredibly irritable. Little things that should not bother me are wreaking monumental havoc on my emotional well being. I am even more moody than normal and soon those who have to deal with me every day may contemplate smothering me with the aforementioned pillow.

If we are entering another and hopefully final stage of our menopausal journey I wish you would let me in on the joke because I am not having fun here. I feel like my ovaries have been taken over by Dementors and my hormones will never know happiness or joy again. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being angry and irritable and moody and generally bitchy for no good reason at all. This is not fun. I would like you to take your cysts and your extra Androgen and just go. I am tired of the tango. I have never felt feminine but I have never felt masculine either. You have made my life more difficult than it ever needed to be and for that I do not thank you. So let's just stop the bickering and begin the aging gracefully part...okay??

Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present

This Christmas has felt more ghost friendly than normal. I have been re-watching my favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" with Patrick Stewart a lot since this Fall. It has been my election disaster coping tool. This may have something to do with the ghost-like feel of my Christmas this year but who knows...I tend to get morbidly ruminative at this time of the year anyway.

One of the hardest things about growing up is the loss of the generations before you. My mother came along late in the program and I came along late as well and that has made for an odd generational off-set in my family. I never knew either of my grandfathers. I barely remember one of my grandmothers and the other died when I was 17 so even those memories are faded now. It feels like I have spent half my life going to funerals. As a child it was great aunts and great uncles and older cousins etc...As a teen and young adult it began to be uncles. Then came the hardest loss of all...both of my parents at 30.

Christmas has not been the same since I lost my mother. I have not been able to re-capture that same sense of familiarity and warmth. Perchance if fate and genetics had played out differently I would have had grandchildren and that would have made it different but that is all a rather mute point now. Not that I have not had lots of love and friends in my life. I have been very blessed in that department. Somehow...despite all my efforts to be weirdly introverted and awkward I have managed to maintain friendships with a pretty wonderful group of people. And I do have a special Piglet in my life but that's a whole different blog right there.

It's not that our Christmases were all that Norman Rockwell brilliance that one sees on the TV. I was a only child but we were always struggling. There was never much spare money around but mom always managed to provide something. I suspect a particular Uncle played Santa Claus more than I ever knew. I would have liked to have known about it and thanked him but my parent's pride would never allow for that sentiment. It was always just the three of us...sometimes Grandma Clayton would be there but mostly it was just the three of us.

We never got a lot of "stuff". Christmas at my house was always more about the yearly replacement of the practical things we needed for the year. We always received the same gifts every year with usually one or two special things. It was that familiarity and routine that I miss with all my heart. Dad would sit and guess at what his presents were with unfailing accuracy made all the more possible because he always got the same thing. Overalls, t-shirts, socks, underwear, red handkerchiefs, a new wallet and if it was time a new watch. Mom always got sleeveless blouses and polyester slacks in various pastel shades. Socks, underwear and bras and usually one special item like a new coat or a new dress for church or a kitchen gadget of some sort. I always got socks, underwear, a new outfit for church, a stuffed animal of some sort and a special toy. It was pretty mundane stuff but I would give my right arm to do it all over again. Despite the angst and the drama and my dad's ill humor I would still love to feel that way again. We would open presents early on Christmas Eve so mom and I could have our new clothes for Midnight Mass and then off we would go to church. It was nothing special but it was mine. I catch glimpses of memories in my mind with certain sounds and images and smells. It's fleeting and ephemeral and I can never seem to hold it. Ghosts.

All of this reminiscing had been brought to you by my experiences this Christmas with a dear friend's elderly parents. When my parents died they kind of "adopted" me as one of their own. At the time I had been friends with their daughter for about 11 years. Now it's been 35 years and the time has flown. They are my back-up parents or my pseudo-parents or my second parents or just the Troll parents. Whatever term I struggle to describe them with to people I meet now. It has been a very interesting relationship. I tease their natural children that I am the "good" daughter. They are very special to me but there is that disconnect there. They treat me as one of their own but I can talk to them differently because I am not their natural child and I don't have all that residual angst in our relationship.

They are 89 now and John has dementia/Alzheimer's which is accelerating at a rapid pace. I was struck this Christmas how being with them was like living with the ghosts of past Christmases and yet dealing with the ghost of the present in that he has no clue who any of us are anymore. I was struck by the idea that we are all like ghosts to him. He carries on and pretends, quite well I might add, that he knows us but he has not a clue. He call his wife of over 60 years by her name but he has no idea who she is to him. He thinks she is someone there to take care of him. I wondered how about how confused he must feel at his children calling him daddy but he has no idea who they are. He obsesses over objects and constantly repeats himself and reads the same thing over and over again. Again...it is like sitting with the ghost of who he once was.

As I was sitting there listening to him drone on and on about a tube of Crest toothpaste I got a sense of the surreal so very strong I almost fled. It was very much like sitting with ghosts. I know that they will not be around much longer but they were sitting right there with me very much alive but it felt like I was looking at their ghosts. It's hard to explain. How do you deal with living people whose spirits seem to have already gone on without their bodies? I still have not processed it all.

What I want to say in my rambling sort of way is be aware of those around you who are struggling. Take a moment to consider all of the thousands of couples like my Troll parents who are battling these issues primarily on their own or within their insular families. Take a moment to check on those elderly neighbors who seem on their own. You don't have to crawl into their lives but just take a second to let them know that you "see" them and make sure they are okay. Recognize that there are those among us living with our own ghosts who need us to remember that they are valued as human beings before they become silent memories.

Adventures for introverts

Introverts have a different sense of adventure compared to their extrovert neighbors. We tend to shy away from the exotic or dangerous and stick to more mundane things that we find exhilarating to us.

So imagine the fun two extremely introverted bears could have taking a drive in uncharted territory. Now...lots of you know my hobby is to drive around out in the country and take pictures of whatever strikes my fancy. It's usually clouds, critters, trees, sunsets, moons, barns...you get the gist. I usually gravitate toward the east and north of Carthage even though I have driven those same roads all my life. There is a comfort in familiarity and I always find something interesting.

But while I was out in Colorado this Thanksgiving we decided to go on a different sort of adventure. You see Colorado country roads are nothing like Missouri country roads. With the exception of far Southern Missouri the roads are laid out in a grid. Everything is pretty much in mile squares. So you know that if you get turned around you can always find your way back. In Colorado there is no grid. There are mountains and there are canyons and there are not so many people in some areas. It's far easier to get lost and turned around.

So we gathered the map and the GPS and we got hot chocolate and coffee and peanut butter crackers and headed out. We picked a county road out by the hospital in Trinidad and off we went. This may seem dull to you but for us it was wandering into the unknown wilderness. We were cruising along following the signs and the GPS like good little campers when we saw a mesa or some such geological formation that caught our eye...so we...gasp...deviated from our route. This is when we spotted the sign displayed above this text and we laughed and discussed the many nuances and humor this sign possessed.

And we kept following the road. It wound around the valley and there would be a house every few miles but no traffic. You see in Colorado there is abundant ranch land and the country roads wander through the ranches. Periodically you slow down to go over another cattle guard and you know you are on a different ranch but it's still a county road. It's a little like going to Oz every time you go over a cattle guard...you just don't know what to expect.

We diligently watched for signs to make sure we were still on the county road and not on private property. Being introverts we are especially respectful of other people's property. We are very tuned into the whole "do unto others" thing. We stopped to take pictures of deer and birds and even came across a large herd of antelope. I love the antelope! It was all so very exciting and we had such a great time.

Then we came to the true introvert gauntlet. We came to another cattle guard and the road looked like it ended right at these people's house. I mean in their driveway. Beth stopped and I looked at the GPS and I said it says it's a road. I know it look like a yard and driveway but the GPS says it's a road. So we pulled forward a bit and since no one came out of the house waving a gun at us we crept forward a little more not wanting to trespass but needing to either go forward or turn around. We both leaned forward and peeked around and finally I said well...go around the garage here because it looks like the road might go on once you get around the garage and low and behold it did!! The county road just ran right through their yard separating their house and barns with just a narrow road. I mean that happens in Missouri but the road is much wider and has fencing and pavement and stuff.

We were so proud. It may not seem like much to folks who don't understand but to two timid adventurers it was like finding Montezuma's freakin' tomb! We continued on until we came out to a main road. From that end you would never have known it was a county road. It had a tiny sign and a big ranch arch over the road that made it look like a private driveway. It was like finding a secret road to Narnia. We laughed and we giggled all the way back to town. It was so much fun! It may not seem all that wild but to wander around in the high desert in a state you are not familiar with (I mean this was not another ride out to Maple Grove) was quite exciting to a driver who is completely...I mean completely...directionally challenged and a passenger who isn't always as brave as she should be it was exhilarating and fun and not something we will soon forget. So forge on introverts of the world. Go out and find new adventures...just maybe wait until this freezing drizzle stops.

Death of an Illusion

This road sign reflects my mood of late. I have delayed writing a post-election blog while I attempted to sort out my emotions and work my way through the stages of grief. I appear to be stuck in the anger phase but feel I may be working my way into a soul numbing sense of acceptance.

Folks seem to think that those of us of a more liberal disposition need to just suck it up and deal with it. They seem to think this election was just about politics. They are fools. This election was about the death of an American illusion.

I am a smart cookie if I do say so myself and I have been educated by numerous other smart cookies ending in a MA in History. Therefore I have never lived under the illusion that America was EVER great. People like to wrap themselves up in the flag and congratulate themselves about how great this country is and how morally superior we are above all others. That is an illusion people. We started this country not out of a noble quest for freedom and rights...it was all about not wanting to pay taxes. A group of very wealthy, white, slave-holding men decided they did not want to pay their taxes. Sound familiar?

Over the 200+ years of our existence we have gleefully committed genocide amongst the Native Americans who rightfully owned this country. We murdered them, we intentionally and unintentionally gave them our diseases, we broke treaties when it suited us, we forced them off their land because we wanted it for our own and we exiled them to reservations. We are the original illegal immigrants. You can lie to yourself and claim that your ancestors were pioneers settling an untamed land. No...your ancestors just marched in here because they could and stole what they could and claimed the moral high ground because they were white and Christian and therefore entitled to dominate those "heathens".  

We enslaved an entire race of people to do our work for us and we had to almost tear this country apart to end the practice. We have propped up dictators who murdered thousands of their own people because it suited our needs. We have assassinated world leaders who did not acquiesce to our needs. We have caused death, hunger and starvation to suit our own political ambitions. We had a brief shining moment during WWII where we began to act like civilized and responsible human beings but even then we tainted that by interning innocent Japanese-American citizens in camps because they might be a danger to our security. You can lie to yourself and tell yourself it was not racist...they were a danger to our national security...right...it sounds a little hollow when the Japanese-Americans were not sharing those camps with Americans of German or Italian descent.

The list of our bad acts just goes on and on. So no...I have never thought of this country as great. I have always thought we were self-serving, greedy, materialistic bullies and quite frankly I am surprised the rest of the world has put up with us for so long.

And yet...I still lived under an illusion. Not so much that we were great...I knew that not to be true...yet an illusion still. You see over my 54 years on Earth we have changed a lot. I was still cautious that the change was real but it seemed to be real. I had hope when Barrak Obama ran for president but in my heart I was doubtful that people would put aside their racism to elect a black man as president. I did not expect to see that in my lifetime. I was so proud of us for a brief shining second. I thought maybe...just maybe...we are changing for their better. Then it all came crashing down with 8 years of barely disguised racist hatred for a man trying to do an impossible job for a bunch of spoiled brats who only wanted more stuff for themselves. Don't sit back now and claim you quietly accepted his election and that liberals should now do the same. I saw the burning effigies, the fake lynchings the building of personal armories. I remember the "hysteria" about him being Muslim and instituting Sharia Law and all the other bull shit that came out of your mouths so don't play that game with me.

I thought we were getting better. There was more acceptance of inter-racial couples. There was more integration of Hispanic immigrants into our culture. There was more tolerance of the LGBT community. Younger people seemed to driving real social change in this country. I allowed my self to hope. I bought into the illusion that we were making our society better at last. In my heart I believed that people were inherently good. That when it counted they would find it in their hearts to do the right thing. I was wrong.

That is why I am so upset and so angry and so very done with people (with a few notable exceptions). I feel betrayed by my friends, my family, and the complete strangers I have to deal with every day. I thought that when confronted with two pretty awful candidates for president that they would do the right thing. I thought they would put aside their distaste for Hillary Clinton and their general misogyny that they refuse to admit to and do the right thing. That they would realize they were voting, not so much for her, but for a more open and accepting society. I thought they would vote for common decency and would realize that voting for Trump would be unleashing hatred and bigotry upon a society that was finally making progress. But no...once again the tendency to be selfish and greedy and materialistic took over and they voted for a completely morally bankrupt man who has no clue how to lead this country. A petty man who threatens and bullies and cheats and lies and steals all to get what HE wants. All this so the economy would improve...so they could make more money...pay less taxes...and get more stuff. They are fools. We are fools.

So now I sit back and I watch Trump nominate men who are openly racist and intolerant to important posts in his government. I sit back and watch foolish people say "give the man a chance". I sit and I wait to see how much violence and hatred those who supported Trump are willing to tolerate before they stand up and say no more. I wait to see if those few rights that I do have are taken away. The rights you all take for granted have never belonged to me and now I know you think that I don't deserve them anyway. You told me so when you voted for him. So you will have to excuse me if I am angry and upset and don't want to talk or seem occupied and distracted. I am trying to decide how to live in my new reality. I am trying to decide who to eliminate from my life because you don't really care about me or my rights anyway. I am trying to find a way not to hate everyone who betrayed my illusion. I am trying to find my place in society again. I don't trust any of you anymore and that is going to last a long, long time. You destroyed my illusion that deep down people are really good and I will not forgive you for that any time soon.

Ode to the Boys of Summer

I have a complicated relationship with baseball. In its purest form I love and adore baseball. I love the smell and feel of both ball and glove. I find holding a baseball to be very soothing. I come by it honestly. My mother and at least one of her brothers were devoted to the game. I remember her talking about Mike and one of the Eimer boys playing in the yard for hours and she would always try to play too. That's how she got that black eye that one time. Uncle Mike had piles of those statistics books around the house. He died before we could talk him into Fantasy Baseball. I bet he would have been awesome at it.

My mom is the one who taught me how to throw a ball properly. She had quite the arm. She would play catch with me when I could get her to stop for a second. Mom was the ultimate fan of the St. Louis Cardinals. If she could not get the game on TV she would have her earphone plugged into the transistor radio. She would nap on and off but she caught every game she could and when I moved to Springfield to go to graduate school she would call me with score updates.The Cardinals were her escape when she retired and had to deal with dad 24/7.

One of my best friends growing up was Michael and he and I would play catch for hours. I loved going to watch his games. Girls weren't allowed to play baseball back then and softball was a poor substitute so I quit that pretty early on. I loved going out to Municipal Park and hanging out at the ball fields. That was the place to be in the 70's let me tell you. It was packed all summer long with families and kids and the sounds of baseball and summer and community.

When I could not spend time with Michael, his mother hated me quite frankly, I would spend hours playing with my pitch back or throwing a tennis ball up on the roof and catching it. You had to be resourceful when you had no siblings. Sometimes the neighborhood kids would get together and we would go down the block and play in an empty field. No one died. It was awesome! 

When I was in undergraduate school I developed a secret and forbidden passion for the Chicago Cubs. You see I took morning classes and so would be home in the afternoon. Back in the 80's the Chicago Star Tribune owned both the Cubs and WGN so they aired all the Cubs and most of the White Sox games. The Cubs always played their home games at 1:30 in the afternoon. I would sit in my bedroom and work on my homework while watching the games and developed a soft spot for them that remains to this day.

My mother was not best pleased but she loved me too much to ostracize me over my misguided ways. I am sure she thought it was a phase I would grow out of one day. But that lingering love for the Cubs has stuck with me. It ebbs and wanes with whatever is going on in my life but it's always there lurking. One of my most favorite experiences ever was going to Wrigley Field in 1997. It was April and it was cold and the Cubs had started the season 0-10 and it only got worse from there but I was in heaven. I loved every freezing cold, lousy, losing minute. I wonder whatever happened to that guy that got smacked in head with a ball during batting practice. He was concentrating on his nachos and it was not pretty. I will never forget the sound.It was and is a magical place.

In the last 20 years or so baseball has done its level best to destroy itself. It started with the ridiculous salaries and peaked with rampant steroid/HGH era. The games are too long and the pitching changes ridiculous. The uniforms and the players have become clownish at times. I mean you run the gambit from the traditional short pants and stirrup socks to tailored uniforms to these ridiculous pajama pants they wear nowadays. Those have really got to go. And for God sakes can you please look the like the professionals you are supposed to be and not like you have just come in from the woods and thrown on whatever you could find and hit the field. It's insulting to the game and the fans to come out on the field looking like you just rolled out of bed. Jason Werth I am looking at you dude. For all the good instant replay has done on the bases you still cannot find umpires who have any concept of a strike zone. Sometimes it's so laughable that you have to wonder if they are betting on the spread. Please MLB get a grip and save yourself before you become an afterthought to the NBA. I can't include the NFL because they are doing a fine job killing themselves.

All that being said the Cubs finally winning the World Series has brought some joy to this year of political insanity, violence and social media hell. I cursed at the TV, I called Joe Maddon all sorts of unattractive names, I had a major temper tantrum during game 7 and I cried and danced for joy when they finally found a way to win despite their manager. Congratulations Cubbies!!! And thank you for reminding me why I love the game in its purest form. I may not always like the package the professionals are presenting but at its core is a love for the game the way it was meant to be played.

Bladder Containment Systems Test

I have consulted with another...ahem...older lady friend who has confirmed that I am not alone so I have decided to share my urinary adventure.

So...the boys and I headed out for a drive and I did my usual and stopped by Sonic for a large Coke for the journey. Standard. Along about and hour and a half into our 3 hour cruise I realize that I have to pee. Hmmm???? Options? Well since I was some where out by La Russell when I first noticed the urge I was kind of screwed. I could try and find a secluded spot and risk a full moon spotting in the late afternoon sunshine. I could make a trek over toward Sarcoxie to find an actual restroom. Neither sounded appealing and I am incredibly stubborn and procrastination is my superpower. We drove on.

Yet...despite my advanced degree and the fact that I consider myself to be a pretty smart cookie I just continue to drive and choose to acknowledge the urge postponing the inevitable. It's like urinary denial sets in. I just continued on my way and kept driving and kept ignoring. So...here I am out in the country and I have to pee like a racehorse and do I stop to do anyting about it...noooooo....do I continue drinking my Coke....yessssss.

As I was coming back into Carthage I had a fleeting moment where I thought oh...the urge seems to have gone. That was the stupid part of my brain. The smart side was saying...oh shit...this can't be good. Shortly thereafter I noticed the goosebumps...but did I stop...oh hell no. At this point I am afraid to try the convenience store. Better to wait. Shit!!!

Do I drive straight home to take care of the situation getting more desperate by the moment. Noooo...of course not...I stop at Burger King to get dinner. As I am coming down Maiden Lane I am telling the boys that they are going to have to wait until mommy goes pee. Baker demonstrates his understanding of the situation by leaping from the passenger seat onto my lap/bladder. Nice...son! 

I get home and managed to remember and grab my Whopper before I exit the car. I find the house key first and tell the boys to stay. Then I exit the car and holy shit...it's like bladder containment at DEF CON 40! I am trying to get the door unlocked while clamping my fat thighs as tightly together as is humanly possible. I make it the dining room and think shit...what do I do with my Whopper. I waddled over to the couch and then headed for the bathroom. My legs are clinched together so tight I could be making pearls for all I know. I also know that I am losing containment.

My bladder finally gives up and starts without consent. Hussy!! I race to the toilet and whip my shorts down and let it fly. Thank goodness I was heavily prepared with the highest quality bladder containment systems. These were clearly desingned for stubborn doofuses like me. I replaced my inner thigh levees and congratulated those that gave their lives to protect my carpet. The boys then got to go potty and have dinner. It must have been stressful for them as well because they are crashed out here on the couch and have been all evening.

I know there's probably a sensible moral to this story but I am sure I will continue to ignore and play Russian Roulette with my bladder. Some girls just never learn.

Vacation Openness

It has taken me a bit of time to process my vacation so that I could comment on it. I have been thinking about it for a good bit and decided to just go for it.

This vacation seems to have opened a sort of portal into my sensitivity zone. I was so tired and so burned out and so needed a break that I think it made me more open to what I was feeling and experiencing. For some time now I have been closing doors and withdrawing more because the stress and emotion of human contact was getting to be too much for me. I was shutting down and closing up shop so to speak. The universe has evidently decided that I should not do so and felt it needed to remind me of our interconnectedness.

Sedona was our first stop and an interesting experience. I knew that Sedona had a reputation for positive energy and that it had a strong pull that some people felt there. It attracts artists and spiritualists by the droves. So I went there with an open mind but still was a wee tad skeptical. I cannot say that I felt anything really profound in Sedona. What I did feel though, was very powerful. I felt very drawn to the rock formations there and I also felt very, very calm...which is a new feeling for me. I thought at first it was just that I was relaxed and on vacation but that feeling of calm did not follow me out of Sedona. I only felt it while we were there. I know that I have to go back.

The south rim of the Grand Canyon was interesting. It is very hard to feel anything there because of the hoards of tourists everywhere all chattering and taking selfies and trying to fall into the canyon while taking selfies. I was amazed by the sheer size of the place. It was astounding but that was about it really. I was more intrigued by the elk who came right up by the visitors center around dusk. They were amazing and majestic and had no fear of the tourists. Silly elk.

The drive to Kanab, Utah was very beautiful. There was one pass we drove through that was amazing. We did not get a chance to explore the area around Kanab much as the rain we had been dodging arrived in full force. I checked the radar and thought that if we left right then we might catch a break in the weather and be able to enjoy the North Rim before the rain came back in. So we headed out and the weather did get clearer the further south we headed. The drive up to the north rim is worth the trip alone. Beautiful alpine type meadows and firs and aspens all with the first colors of fall gracing the hillsides. Magnificent!

Then we got to the North Rim and the canyon there was so amazing and so different than the south rim. As we arrived the canyon was filled with either clouds or fog. It looked like clouds and it was breathtaking. I was just stunned by the beauty and was overcome with a sense of sacredness. I kept trying to whisper to Beth like I was in a library because that was how sacred and quiet it felt. It was also so much less crowded and that allowed the canyon to speak to you more loudly and you could feel its sacredness all around you. It was moving and amazing and I must go back there to feel that sense of holiness once again.

The drive to Durango Colorado was probably my most profound moment. Most of that drive is through a massive Navajo reservation. The scenery was quite amazing but the emotion of the place was what was really interesting. On the one hand I was hypnotized by the beauty all around me and on the other hand I was so distressed to see the poverty all around me. I felt a sense of horrible guilt and shame at my blessings. It was humbling and upsetting at the same time. No one should have to live in those conditions. Shame on us!!

Somewhere between the Burger King and the Four Corners Monument I had my most profound moment of the vacation. We were still on the reservation and I was overcome by a feeling of reverence for the sacredness of the area. That stretch of desert felt incredibly holy to me. I really had to force myself to NOT tell Beth to stop the car. I felt a sense of panic and a feeling like I needed to get out of the car and prostrate myself on the ground and somehow absorb the energy and the feeling of the place. It was one of the most confusing and emotional moments of my entire life. I have never felt that way about a physical space before and I still don't quite understand the power of it. The pull I felt  and the tie I felt to the place was inescapable. It was hard to leave the area and then poof...the closer we got to the Four Corners the pull of the area disappeared. I was left with a longing to turn around and go back. I must go back. I will go back.

So...that was my summer/fall vacation. It was filled with wonder and new experiences that I am still trying to process and it has left me still open and vulnerable. I am not sure I like the feeling but I have to sit with it. For the time being I am VERY open and it's both unnerving and exciting. I would prefer that the panic/anxiety attacks stay away but for now I will stay open as long as I can bear it and then I shall close the doors again so that I can survive the ride to the next open door.

Expelling Some Demons

Today I decided to try and expel some demons. A couple of summers ago I took myself up to Ha Ha Tonka State Park to hike and take pictures. Unfortunately it was the summer I was having a lot of trouble with breathing. So much so that they tested me for COPD. I headed off to see the Devil's Promenade and a collapsed cave. I had no clue the trail would be as challenging as it was and I can be such a stubborn bear sometimes. Long story short...instead of turning around and going back the way I came I tried to work my way out the other side. Unfortunately I got myself really turned around and quite befuddled and generally lost. I then proceeded to have a panic attack which was oh so helpful for my breathing. Due to not thinking clearly I turned the wrong direction and made it worse. Finally...I was having such trouble and was in such a panic that I had to swallow my pride and flag down a pickup and ask them for help. They were such a kind young couple and they helped me out and got me back to my car. I will always be eternally grateful to them for helping me and not dismissing me as a whack job.

Today I decided to go back and face my fears. I was not about to attempt my original excursion. I decided, instead to try the natural bridge area and the sink hole area caused by another cave collapse similar to the one I visited Saturday. I headed off with the masses to check it out. I knew the trail was .75 mile long so I thought it would not be too bad. Holy crap Batman they have a weird idea of what might be a good trail. It was steep and rough and just kept going up. I found myself...not getting in a panic per se...but finding I was having more trouble breathing again. Not to the same extent as last time but still it was hot and it was muggy down there and so I decided I had done enough and discretion was the better part of valor and I turned around and went back to the car.

I did get some good pictures. I survived. I would have been happier if I had made it the whole way but I did the best I could with what I had. I think I am done with Ha Ha Tonka. I have conquered what I needed to conquer. I have only found a couple of places in nature that I have gotten a bad feeling about and this is one of them. For some reason the energy there feels very bad to me and seems to affect me badly as well. The farther I drove out the area the better it felt. I don't know what is inhabiting that area but it's not the benign peacefulness that I usually find. But I did it and for that I am very proud of myself.

Road Trip Heaven

Yesterday I loaded myself into the car and took a MUCH needed road trip. I don't often have days like yesterday. It was PERFECT!!! And since you all have to put up with my whining and kvetching all the time I thought it was only fair that you get some of the good stuff too.

I headed out in the morning for Grand Gulf State Park near Thayer, Missouri. It is a good 3 1/2 hour drive from here not counting stops. The temps were perfect. I didn't have to turn the A/C on at all. I rolled the window down and let it roar. I turned up the stereo to compensate and sang lustily and off key all the way to and fro.

The first part of the drive was a bit boring because it's just highway and I have been down Highway 60 so often that there's not much to see. I do enjoy the occasional Amish/Mennonite buggy. It looks like such a peaceful way to travel...at least I imagine it is if the cars will cooperate.

I had not been to West Plains since I was about 15 or so. I attended church camp near there one summer. I saw the sign for the camp and felt a twinge of nostalgia. That week started out rough but over all it was a good experience. I wonder what all those girls in my cabin are doing now. I kept up with some of them for awhile but we all drifted apart as you do. I hope they have had most excellent lives.

I found the park and was surprised at how crowded the parking lot area was. There did not seem to be a commensurate number of people on the trails. They must have been off down in the hole. After taking the less scenic path...I always pick the wrong one by the way...I finally made it to the more interesting area. It is a fascinating formation. The "gulf" or canyon was made by the collapse of a cave roof umpteen years ago. I think it would be more interesting in the winter when there is less foliage and you can see more clearly.

I contemplated not venturing down all those stairs and then I thought...hell...what's the point of driving all this way Karen if you don't. So...off I went. It was easier than I thought since they had thoughtfully made a lot of landings to stop on. I made it to the bottom in a reasonable amount of time for someone of my years and girth. It was really beautiful down there. The waterfall was not running much because we have not had much rain of late but I could imagine how beautiful it would be with more runoff. Still...I stood there by myself and took it all in and thought...yes...this is where faeries live. I know I am a grown ass woman but I believe they can exist so there. I would love to go down into the actual canyon next time but that requires you go off trial and climb down a bit and I didn't fell safe doing that by myself.

I stood there for a bit just taking it in and then noticed the butterflies!!! It was butterfly central down there. There was a whole butterfly clan down there at the bottom of the steps. They were the big, beautiful blue ones. I need to look up their official names but they were magnificent and in such a mood to be still for pictures. Maybe they were the faeries in butterfly form? What a nice thought. It was one of those once in a lifetime moments and I will never forget it.

Then I began the process of going back up the stairs. My knees were amazingly cooperative. Yes...they crunched the whole way...but they let me walk up like a normal human being instead of one step at a time. I made it to the top with several little rest stops. I must say by the time I made it the 70 feet back up my heart had something to say about it. I sat down by the flagpole and listened to it complain. It went something like this..."OMG!!!...WHAT THE FUCK was that????...we don't do that...that was exercise...have you lost your mind...OMG...pound...pound...I'm just leaving this chest if you are going to abuse me like this...pound...pound...SHIT...and so on and so on"

It did finally get over itself and we made it back to the car. I plugged everything back up and headed out...reminding myself that I could reward myself with a stop at the Dairy Queen in West Plains...YES!!! I picked up my Oreo Blizzard as my reward and it was awesome! I know it kind of defeats the purpose to go and have a nice hike and then have ice cream but at my age those sort of rules go out the window. Incentive is the name of the game right now. It was yummy and I have no remorse.

I decided to head back a different and more scenic route. Wise choice! Have I mentioned that I LOVE to drive? Well I do. The car and I are one. My car is my freedom. It takes me to new places...it gets me outside in the fresh air and sunshine...it allows me to sing freely and loudly...just the act of driving calms and refreshes me. I may be physically tired after a long trip but I NEED the expression that driving gives me. It feeds my soul. I digress...anyway...I headed back this new way and it was interesting until I got to highway 125 and then it got cosmic.

OMG!!! it was the perfect experience. The windows were down...it was cool...the music was loud...the pavement was dry...it wound through the Mark Twain National Forest...the road was dappled with sun and shade...it was astoundingly curvy without being TOO curvy. The car and I wove through the curves as if we were dancing. It was cosmic. It was magical. It was a good thing I didn't have a passenger as they may have not embraced my passion for taking the curves quite so much. I think I may have had a big O half way up the road...yes...it was that awesome. I will never forget it. I must do it again sometime.

To sum it all up...I had the most awesome...perfect day and quite frankly I deserved it. It has been a rough August. I needed this break really badly. Hopefully I will use the rest of my holiday weekend wisely and be all refreshed to get ready for my vacation adventure coming up in a couple of weeks. I am a happy camper!! Enjoy it while it last my friends!!

Sometimes the darkness wins.

A friend commented today that I have been quiet and wanted to know if I was okay. This blog is by way of a back-handed apology for not texting her back. I am sorry. I did not have the emotional energy to text all of what's been going on.

It's been a rough three weeks or so with those little demons I live with and I am not talking about the dogs. I did pretty well off and on with fighting the darkness with my thyroid cancer scare. I did mostly okay...except for the day where I was bequeathing all my earthly possessions in my mind. I survived that and although I am having some issues with my thyroid...vis a vis...swallowing and blitzing anxiety attacks...I was doing okay. I was just beginning to come back out of the weird potential death zone when they called me for jury duty.

I dutifully showed up and wound up getting picked to be the first alternate and was looking at three days off of work. I do get paid for that time so it sounds like it would be a nice diversion right? No...it was a capital murder case. It started on Wednesday and wound up Friday morning in a mistrial for one of the stupidest reasons known to man. I will not wander into all that...let's just leave it at I was well and truly pissed off about the mistrial. It was a waste of time and money.

But aside from being pissed off about the mistrial it was a very disturbing case. I will not get into gory details but let me just say that the crime scene photos on the big screen TV are not going to leave my memory...EVER!! It was very upsetting and disturbing on every level you can think of and it's left me a little bit shaken. It also opened the rabbit hole wide and I dived in for a bit. All I could think about for a day or two was a woman I know who could easily wind up in the same position as this poor victim someday because she has no one to really look out for her and she does put herself in vulnerable places. It's been hard.

I was just starting to calm down from my mistrial hissy fit when I went up front at work and was glancing at the paper and just happened to see an article detailing how a professor of mine from my Master's program had been murdered in his home Wednesday and his wife wounded. I was just shocked that this could happen. He was a good professor and he was very kind to me when mom's illness and death landed right in the middle of my trying to finish up my degree and graduate. I just don't understand the senseless evil of such an act. Needless to say this opened up the rabbit hole into something more resembling a rabbit canyon.

So I spent a quiet weekend trying to re-boot and not doing a really good job at it. I have begun to crawl out into the light a bit today. It's getting better but I am just limiting my human contact for a bit. Withdrawing into myself to try and get out of my own way. Interacting with folks at work is about all I can muster right now. So...if you don't hear from me and I seem quiet...I really am okay. I am just trying to make sense of a lot of things that have been thrown my way these past few weeks. I will process it all and I will be back but for now I just have to sit with myself and find my center again. See you all soon!!

Surly Girl Explained

Some of you may have noticed that I have not been my usual, jovial, snarky self lately. Well I cannot excuse my behavior but I will try to explain it a bit.

I have been out of sorts for about 3 weeks now due to some health issues. As a result I have been erratic, moody, pre-occupied, angry, absent and okay...all within the same 15 minute time frame sometimes. Mostly...right now I am pre-occupied and I just don't have a lot of emotional energy to give folks.

Here's the deal...I went to a new GP and he did the routine blood work. He said my thyroid was elevated by one point over the high so he wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure "there was nothing growing on it." Well...turns out my thyroid is enlarged and I have multiple nodules on both sides. Some of them are "suspicious looking". So I had to sit with this for 2 weeks until they could run a thyroid uptake scan. I took a radioactive iodine pill and let it absorb for 24 hours and then they measured the rate the thyroid took up the iodine in order to produce the hormone.

Evidently my thyroid is an overachiever because it came back at 40 whereas it's usually in the 20s. This means it is showing hyperactive. Then they did 3 ten minutes scans/x-rays. On the upside the high absorption rate means it should give them a really good look at the

thyroid and the nodules. On the down side...and this is where the moodiness comes in...some of the nodules might be cancerous. We don't know yet for sure. Hopefully I will know something tomorrow.

So that's it really...I have been struggling with whether to wait to post anything until I know for sure but folks are wondering. I am out of sorts because I don't know if I have thyroid cancer or not and that's making me a bit erratic. I am hoping the odds are in my favor because thyroid cancer is rare but unitl they tell me something the being in limbo is a bit stressful to say the least.

So I apologize if I have been a bit cranky with anyone. I am trying not to be but some days I am just holding it together with masking tape. You will all have to bear with me until I process my way through this news and try to make sense of where I go from here. Now...my eyeballs are getting fuzzy so I must say goodnight.

Past and Present...a Reunion

This weekend was my 35th high school reunion and I thought I might ramble on about that for a bit.

High school was such a strange time for me. I was still VERY shy and withdrawn inside my own head. What most of my classmates did not know was that my father was very emotionally abusive and my mother was very shut down and I had been the victim of sexual abuse by a neighbor so that by the time I got to high school I had the self-esteem of a gnat. I was also having issues with my sexuality but actually was NOT aware of the fact that that was the problem. I just thought I was weird and socially awkward. I knew that I did not have a clue how to be a girl but I did not exactly want to be a boy either. It was confusing and miserable at times.

That being said...I am constantly fascinated by the impact spending four years with this particular group of people has had on my life. I know I would not have survived public school. I would not have been able to deal with the larger classes and the pressure to conform. Not to mention the bullying that existed even back then. I would not have made it. I would have taken my anxiety and rolled myself up into a little ball and ran away.

I know that high school was not perfect but for the most part these kids that I shared the experience with made it possible for me to survive and come out on the other side. Whether they knew it or not their laughter and their personalities helped me navigate a very difficult time for me. After all these years the thing I remember most about them is the laughter. That's really it...that is the most important thing that has stuck with me. My class had a lot of big personalities who were, as confident as high school kids can be, at ease with that and really let their humor run rampant. Their laughter and their willingness to not ostracize that weird girl who never talked are what I remember the most.  They allowed me to just be me. 

I have not stayed in close touch with most of my classmates. Elaine and I have managed to stay friends since the second grade, which says a lot about her patience. But I find it so interesting that these people that I have not seen or spoken to in 15 years or more still mean so much to me. I care about their lives and their kids and their grandkids. Even though I find it so bizarre that we are old enough to have grown children and grandchildren. In my mind we are still the kids we once were.

We will all continue on with our lives and who knows when I will see or speak to many of them again. Social media does at least make keeping aware of their travels in life more possible but for the most part we will all continue on our separate ways. I just wanted to say thank you to all the members of the McAuley High School Class of 81'. You are all important to me and I hope you continue to prosper and enjoy your families and your lives and please keep the laughter alive.

Namaste

This is gonna' hurt

Bless me universe for I have sinned and this is my confession....

Well...I am not sure it's a sin but it feels bad anyway. And it is a confession...so here goes....

I am having a difficult time with the loss of my sweet baboo Fiona. I can't talk about...or write evidently...about her without bursting into tears.  It's been two months and my life seems a bit barren. There is a huge hole in my life. Fiona was not just my dog. She was my heart and soul. Despite our battles for supremacy and our "come to Jesus" meetings she was so much a part of my life that I am having trouble functioning as a reasonably normal human being.

We were together for 13 years and she was such an integral part of my being that I am having trouble with this huge hole in my life. And sadly it is having a bad effect on my relationship with the "boys". This is so hard to say but there are times when I just don't want them around. I don't have the patience for their normal behaviors. I have spoken harshly to them and I feel horrible about it. Today...when I took them outside to potty and they refused to do anything because they wanted to eat I said bad words. When they then proceeded to poop in the house (this is not unusual) I told them both that they were two steps from me taking them both to the Humane Society because I had had it with them.

This is not me. This is not normal behavior. I can't even say in all honesty right now that I love them because it seems all that left with Fiona. I feel numb where they are concerned. I am a vacant mother. I suck!!  I have post-Corgi depression I do believe. I am not sure what to do about this other than just hanging in there with the boys until I regain some sense of equilibrium. It's like my inner child is having a tantrum and it doesn't want any dog if it's not Fiona. If I can't hold her and kiss her until she growls and if I can't hear her howl and talk to me then I don't want any other dog around. It's not fair to the boys and I know that but it's how I feel. And if Baker chases Kitten Face ONE more time and if I have to chase Owen around the house ONE more time to pick him up and take him outside I am going to scream. I am losing it here people.

I am not sure why I am sharing my horrible thoughts with you other than they need to leave the dark recesses of my mind and enter the light. I would never hurt the boys and they are my responsibility so they will stay here with me. I just don't know how to reassemble our life without Fiona. I am just not up for it right now and I feel like shit about it. So please keep the boys in your thoughts and hearts as mother tries to find her feet and stops being such a shithead.

Cautionary Tales from the sauna

I have been debating with myself this evening about whether hell could possibly be this unpleasant? I mean...torturing of miscreant souls aside...is it a dry heat in hell or do your eyeballs fog over when you step in?  We here in the Garden of Gauld have been experiencing an unpleasant few weeks of ridiculous humidity. Heat is one thing but for the love of God this humidity is bad even for the seasoned folk around here. The effort required to keep those important spots on one's body dry so as to avoid the aforementioned skin unpleasantness is reaching def con 10 proportions. I mean you cannot change your bra 3 times in one day...no one has the time to do that much laundry. Not to mention the powder and the showering and more powdering. It's exhausting quite frankly.

While we are on the subject of skin irritation let me tell you about an creature so evil that we don't even try to mention its name for fear it and all its kin will come and feast on our unwary ankles and feet. Yes...I am talking about the dreaded chigger. I spent a lovely weekend with my cousin in Arkansas and his yard was mowed nicely and it was fairly dry but I tell you what...they got a whiff of untapped Missouri flesh and they went to town on my legs. If you have never had the joy of experiencing the piranha-like effect these minuscule insects have on the human flesh you are one lucky bastard! Nothing...and I mean NOTHING itches like chigger bites! Not even the worst poison ivy can compare with the dreaded grass monsters. You can't sleep because you wake up in middle of the night feeling like amputation might be a good option for you. You slather ANYTHING you can find on your bites trying to find relief. You contemplate whether slicing off a few layers of skin could be such a bad thing. At one point at the party I realized I was using the flat side of a steak knife to relieved the itching. I have NO IDEA how that did not end badly.

Tonight I stopped in at the Neighborhood Market to get some cat and dog food because I did not want Kitten Face to kill me in my sleep. I swung by the pharmacy because the Benadryl just was not doing the trick. And there...in the aisle was my savior...the pharmacist...and he actually asked me if he could help me. I just looked at him with my sad pitiful eyes and said CHIGGERS!! He said to hang on a sec. He disappeared behind his magic counter and reappeared with...could it be...sweet mother of Jesus..it is...Chiggerid!!!!! Chiggerid is a hard to find product these days but it the only thing I have ever found to give me relief. He special orders it for folks. OMG!!! God BLESS you pharmacist man. I have shellacked my legs to kingdom come and the itch has finally abated. Now I will not have to kill anyone because I am so miserably focused on the insanity raging on my legs.

So...if you find yourself pondering a trip to this region anytime soon I have some advice for you. Pack LOTS of bras and underwear. Buy the extra large bottle of baby powder. Buy the biggest can of OFF you can find and drench yourself in it before you approach any green, leafy surface and beg your pharmacist to order you some Chiggerid too! Check to see if you insurance will cover self-amputations while you are at it...just in case.  OR...maybe change your plans to somewhere a little less moist. I mean I love to see all of you but really...save yourselves!!

Aw...hell...I was in such a good mood

I am well educated. I am articulate. I have lived outside of the "ya'll" zone. But I am fixin' to get all Southern pissed off so hold onto your shorts.

I just spent the most enjoyable weekend in Searcy Arkansas with my cousin Tom (Sorry...I just can't do the George thing) and his family and friends. When people find out that I lived in Fayetteville for several years while in college they always ask me if I enjoyed it and I brag about it because I did enjoy living there. I really LIKE Arkansas. It is a beautiful state filled with kind, funny and hard working people. It's a nice place.

So...imagine my chagrin when driving home today and just outside Harrison and in Bellefontaine I see a billboard that says " Diversity is a code word for white genocide". WTF??? This set every one of my teeth on edge. I did see a rebuttal billboard a little ways down the road but they had already done pissed me off. The NERVE. Well...I guess at least we white folks are qualified to recognize genocide because we have been committing it for thousands of years now!! The hypocrisy is mind melting!

I have news for ya'll...it wasn't people of color who displaced and murdered thousands of Native Americans in this country so they could steal their land. It wasn't people of color who sent six million innocent people to death in Hitler's concentration camps. Do I really need to go on with more examples of atrocious and evil behavior by white folks?

I am sick and tired of the fear mongering and the cowardice and the misrepresentation and the lies. I have news for ya'll...white people are not disappearing into the mist never to be seen again...have you been to a Wal-Mart lately?? You are not being displaced. You are still in control of this country. You still get the best jobs that make the most money so you all just need to shut it and stop with the oh...poor...persecuted me bullshit. White people are the MOST privileged folks in the world.

I was just calming down from this first onslaught to my liberal sensibilities when up pops another one. "It's not racist to your love your own kind." SERIOSULY!! That is some ignorant bull shit right there. Your "kind". For the love of God...when is it ever going to sink in that we are ALL human beings...that is our "kind". This separating of one another by skin color, or religion, or sexuality, or nationality etc...is the worst kind of wrong. Do we really need to feel so important that we have to marginalize others so that we can feel special?

Last but not least I saw a display out in a front yard with the Confederate flag and a sign that said "Heritage...not hate". That is such a load of misinformed crap. That flag represents hate. You can not now claim it as a benign sign of you being a rebel and hating the government. The Klan wrapped themselves in it as they gleefully murdered innocent people. They waved it and still wave it at rallies. It is soaked in the blood and bile of hate. It is a dishonor to the men who fought with honor for a cause they believed in. Their battle flag was stolen from them and drug through the mud of hatred and violence. It cannot be made clean.

This may seem like an inappropriate time to go on my rant. It is the birthday of this country after all. I tried to just ignore my anger and roll my eyes and just let it roll away but I cannot in good conscience let a small-minded group of folks disparage an entire state that does not deserve the backwoods reputation it has with some folks outside the "zone". I have faith that the majority of the people that I know and love in Arkansas do not feel this way. I know they are good people. They do not deserve to be lumped in with folks who spew this kind of rubbish. This is not the Arkansas I know. Ya'll are far better than this so take that shit down and celebrate the true meaning of being a human being who also happens to be an American.

Careless

So many things have been going on this week that have tried my soul. My heart still aches for my "family" who lost their lives in Orlando. I am still sitting with that pain and it has made me short tempered, frustrated, weepy and judgmental of others. Even my poor dog Owen has felt the brunt of my pain as I try to find a way to sanity in an insane situation.

In the midst of all this personal angst there have been a couple of other story lines in the news that grabbed my attention and they have brought home to me the very depth of human arrogance. We are such self-involved, self-congratulatory, arrogant, oblivious and careless creatures. Human beings are 100% convinced that they are the top of the food chain and that, combined with opposable thumbs and egos have made us the masters of this planet and all show bow before us.

The storylines that have brought this carelessness home to roost for me are the horrible tragedy at Disney World and an incident in India where 18 Asiatic lions were "arrested" and put "on trial" for attacking and killing folks who live near their reserve. What happened to that little boy was horrifying and tragic and so very sad. And how do we as a society react to that? We look for someone, anyone, to blame. Why do we have to BLAME anyone? It was not the parents fault. It was not Disney's fault. And it certainly was not the alligators' fault. It was a horrific accident of nature. And the alligators paid the price for this misfortune. The knee jerk reaction was to kill all the alligators they could find nearby because we have to make it safe for the HUMANS. Because our lives have far more value than a stupid alligator.

All that alligator saw was prey at the edge of his domain. He did not stop to decide if it was a human being or not. He was following his nature in order to survive. I am quite sure it would have been more than happy to not find itself at Disney World where it was much more likely to be spotted and killed. He did not think to himself...I think I shall pop over to Disney World and snatch me a toddler for supper. But because our lives are so much more important than any other creature all the gators in the area must die. It MUST be safe for us to do whatever the hell we want wherever the hell we want because we are kings of the jungle.

The same can be said for the lions in India. They "arrested" 18 of them and studied their paw prints and feces to determine which lion, or lions, hand been attacking and killing local villagers who lived near a lion sanctuary. They were searching for the "maneater". Evidently they have determined the culprirts who will now be locked away in cages for the rest of their lives so they will not eat anyone else. Because clearly it is more important to maintain our personal security even if it means taking away the freedom of another living being. Was it a good thing that the lions were attacking folks? Of course not...but again...the lion was doing what lions do in order to survive. Something was clearly causing stress to them within the sanctuary for them to roam outside where they were much more likely to encounter humans and possible death.

Where am I going with all this you ask? Well...I would like to ask my fellow homospaiens to stop and think about what we are doing to this planet. Speicies of flora and fauna everywhere are disappearing daily to service OUR needs and wants. We treat other living creatures carelessly and have little respect for their needs and their habitats that we have destroyed for our gain. We place great stress upon their populations and then get upset when deaths occur. We no longer seek to live side by side with nature and give it the respect it is due. We simply keep trying to subvert it our will and insure that our silly lives are the ones that matter most. I think ALL life has value. And I think that if we do not stop our insanity and put our egos aside we are going to find ourselves in deep, deep ecological doo doo and quite frankly, if there are any animals left they will have the last laugh.

Welcome to Weimar America

If you are a sensitive soul and don't want to be offended I suggest you skip this blog because this girl is angry and she is about to spew.

I have had it up to HERE with Donald Trump and any other ignorant, narcissistic douche bag who thinks it's okay to marginalize and kill people because we don't like them. So...I am going to pass on some of the knowledge that I acquired while spending all that money on my history degree. This is really oversimplified so bear with me. I did not want to have to do footnotes.

Once upon a time in Weimar Germany there were folks living their lives and trying to recover from the devastation of WWI. (Which by the way was nothing compared to the suffering of conservatives under our current president...riiigghhhttt. Please insert sarcasm sign here!) Some folks in Germany were a little embarrassed and angry that they had lost WWI and were now having to face the consequences of their governments actions. Sound familiar?

Along came a man with a really awkward moustache who realized his particular brand of insanity was just what the country needed. So countless "good" people looked the other way as he ramped up the hatred and the violence and the rhetoric. They remained complacent in their homes as he and his minions began consolidating power. They thought this little Bavarian corporal was no threat to them so why rock the boat. Then they sat back and watched and some even voted him into power. I am sure they went to sleep at night thinking...oh he's really not all that bad and he will make Germany great again.

Then they sat on their complacency and watched as, shockingly enough, he put all his violent rhetoric into action. I am sure some of them were genuinely horrified but not horrified enough to try and stop what they had helped put into motion. After all...so he arrests some Jews, and some Gypsies, and some gays, and some communists, and some Catholic activists and many others I am forgetting to mention here...he says they are a threat to our way of life...and we are not any of these things so we will look the other way as people just vanish into "work camps". It will be good for them and we shall be safe and Germany will be great again.

Now...let's zoom forward to 2016 and talk about people who really should know better but apparently have lost their collective minds. Today we have a man with really awkward hair pandering to the same kind of hatred and violence that we thought had left our landscape. Silly us...we thought we had learned something from the Holocaust but evidently not. I am sure there are folks who thought that funny little rich guy is no threat and he says he will make America great again! He's just bombastic and he doesn't really mean all the hateful, racist, misogynistic things he says. He's just saying all that because he's different from those awful politicians in power now and he says he will make America great again!

So...here we are America at a major crossroads in our collective history. Are we going to sit on our asses and let Trump and his minions spread their ignorant, racist and violent rhetoric all way to the White House and then be shocked when he starts arresting our friends and neighbors and sending them to special "relocation facilities"? Are we going to continue to cling to every last automatic rifle we can own so we can "protect" ourselves from all those awful people out there who just might be different than "us?" Are we going to continue to marginalize the value of human life? This is the time for everyone to choose. Not November...NOW. We have to say no to hate and to the de-humanizing whack jobs trying to make America great again. We need to look in mirror and put aside our fear and our complacency and stand up against the violence and hatred in this country right now. If we do not we are doomed to repeat the unspeakable atrocities that we thought were behind us. What makes America great is not macho, racist, rhetoric...it's the fact that even though we are all different we find a way to live together and thrive.

Yes...I am angry...and I should be promoting more love and tolerance and less anger...but I am tired of watching innocent people die in this country while we sit on our asses and feel bad but do nothing about it. I will not be quiet about this anymore and if you feel the need to unfriend me or whatever you need to do I will understand. But I will not be afraid or complacent or quiet anymore. We are better than this America and we can stop the tide of hate. We just have to try. (yes...I have watched Zootopia like 3 times this weekend trying to calm down...so sue me.)

Namaste.

Well hello there!

Well hello there world!! After the angst-ridden mess of that last blog I thought I would share with you what has happened since that awful night.

First and foremost I would like to apologize to all my family and friends for any future idiocy that might occur. This is a direct result of me going OFF my meds. Now...at first this seems like a really bad idea right? She is in denial. She will wreck herself and we will have to listen to more mindless sobbing on the phone. I am not a fool. I know that this was a risk and I am well aware that my depression has not disappeared and that I will have bad days and weeks and be a mess. However...just look at that smile...that has not been seen in some time. That twinkle that tells you this person is not quite sane was gone. My light and my life were gone.

When I started the anti-depressants around 6 or so years ago it was for a good reason. I needed them. I was not able to deal with my grief on my own. So they were necessary to keep me on this planet and they did their job. They kept me alive until I could crawl back out of my hole. But somewhere along the way I got complacent and my nurse practitioners gave up on me. Everyone...including me...thought I would have to be on the meds for the rest of my life. After all...I have had issues with depression my whole life. And if some day I find myself back in the darkness I know I will recognize it and do what I need to do.

But for now...I feel ALIVE again!! I have been so anesthetized that I had forgotten what it felt like to feel really happy. These drugs are the pharmaceutical equivalent of a Dementor. (See Harry Potter) I could not FEEL happy. I noticed right away that they would not let me cry, even when there was darn good reason to do so. They allowed me to feel depressed...which I find quite ironic...but they did not allow me to feel really happy. They kept me on an artificial even keel. A surface happy sure...but not that euphoric, goofy, free feeling of just being happy. The joy of just being silly for no good reason. I have not felt "free" in years.

In the past week or so I have been more active and productive than I have in months. I do not want to sleep all the time. I want to be outside. I want to be silly. I want to soak up the world again. Now...all this being said...I am NOT advocating that everyone run right out and go off their meds. For some people they work and they help them and that is a good thing. I am just in a different place than I was when I needed them and I am willing to work on other techniques the next time the sadness arrives. I am willing now to work with it and not fight it.

So again...I wish to apologize in advance. I am back to having a weaker social filter. I am laughing loudly. I am probably going to be really hyper at times. I am going to be loud at times. I am going to annoy the shit out of you at times. I will probably offend someone really soon but understand that is not my intention. I just tend to blurt before thinking too deeply about the subject. My ADHD will be worse. I will be silly. I will be feisty. I will be sarcastic. I will be mishchevious. I will give you a hard time. (Amber) I will be inappropriate at times. What I will NOT be is sitting here writing that mess I wrote the other day. I will NOT be withdrawing into myself. I will not give up on my fellow man. I will not retreat to sitting in the lawn chair by myself brooding like my dad. I will be free and I will continue on my adventure. Wish me luck!!