Trying to be comfortable in my own fur.

I have never been comfortable being a "girl". That being said...I have also never wanted to be a boy. I much preferred doing "boy" things. I could play catch for hours. I loved to wander in the woods and play army. I preferred my GI Joe to Barbie and her friends. When you are little you can get by with all of this because you are a "tom boy". You know...it's just a phase...wait til' she hits puberty and it will all change. OOPS!!

From a VERY young age I detested all things "girlie". My mom would put me in a dress for some reason and I would be a miserable, cranky little monster until I could get out of it. I never felt comfortable in a dress. I think dresses made me feel vulnerable and at risk. (I had good reason to feel that way...but that's another blog) I felt like a ginormous T-Rex wearing a tutu...or at the very least like a sailor in drag.

You see...I am a big girl. I am not just referring to my girth which has gotten way out of hand over the years but I am a big girl. My frame is large.Even if I was a "normal" weight...whatever that is...I would still be a big boned girl. I am older now but still strong as an ox. It hurts more to use that strength but it's still there. Aside from the obvious genetics at play here I have also suffered from PCOS my whole life. For those of you not in the know...PCOS is a medical condition which causes me to have cysts on my ovaries and those cysts create a whole myriad of lovely side effect...not the least of which is my size. My whole life I have had to cope with not enough estrogen and too much androgen. When I was in high school I had a lovely spike and could not hit the alto notes so I had to sing bass with the boys. That wasn't too weird she says hopefully.

You may be asking yourself...why are we talking about this...or well...really rambling about this subject. It's because my therapist accidentally poked the bear the other day. I was discussing how people often stare at me like I am a zoo exhibit or I get double looks in the bathroom while they try to decide which one of us is in wrong room. Innocently it was asked why I do not do more to look "feminine" so people would not look at me that way. I promptly responded because I don't WANT to look more "feminine"...I want to be me. This was followed much ranting by me all evening. I was just angry!

Yes, I keep my hair very short. It's not to look masculine it is because my hair is VERY thick and hard to control when it gets long and I lack the motivation to do anything more than wash it and brush it. So I keep it short so it will look less messy for a longer period of time. Yes, except for undergarments I do wear men's clothes. It's not too look masculine it is because I want to be comfortable both physically and emotionally. I feel like an alien visiting a strange planet if I get too close to the women's section. I do NOT find women's clothes appealing on any level. I just don't like them and I don't like the way they look on me. I wear men's clothes because they "fit" better on my androgen fueled frame and I feel comfortable in them. I can do nothing about my "masculine" features. Genetics and hormones have made me who I am and I cannot do much about that issue. Nor have I ever felt inclined to cover up who I am.

Gender and the characteristics of what are considered "masculine" and "feminine" have been imposed upon us by a culture dominated by patriarchy and I for one am fed up with it. The media, the pundits, the fashion industry etc...want to put us all in neat little boxes of their own design. It's all about control you see. If you will not conform to our box we shall stare at you and try to make you feel uncomfortable until you change. This goes for men and women. Well this blog is an appeal to everyone out there who might encounter any one of us who do not fit into your "boxes". Before you label or judge someone who doesn't fit societal norms just have a think about what you are doing. That person might just be trying to live a happy well-adjusted life. STOP trying to stifle the creative spirit of others. STOP trying to force others into your "boxes" so that YOU will be comfortable with their appearance. Give one another the freedom to be comfortable in their own skin. And then maybe you will find a way to be comfortable in yours.