I am having a difficult time with the loss of my sweet baboo Fiona. I can't talk about...or write evidently...about her without bursting into tears. It's been two months and my life seems a bit barren. There is a huge hole in my life. Fiona was not just my dog. She was my heart and soul. Despite our battles for supremacy and our "come to Jesus" meetings she was so much a part of my life that I am having trouble functioning as a reasonably normal human being.
We were together for 13 years and she was such an integral part of my being that I am having trouble with this huge hole in my life. And sadly it is having a bad effect on my relationship with the "boys". This is so hard to say but there are times when I just don't want them around. I don't have the patience for their normal behaviors. I have spoken harshly to them and I feel horrible about it. Today...when I took them outside to potty and they refused to do anything because they wanted to eat I said bad words. When they then proceeded to poop in the house (this is not unusual) I told them both that they were two steps from me taking them both to the Humane Society because I had had it with them.
This is not me. This is not normal behavior. I can't even say in all honesty right now that I love them because it seems all that left with Fiona. I feel numb where they are concerned. I am a vacant mother. I suck!! I have post-Corgi depression I do believe. I am not sure what to do about this other than just hanging in there with the boys until I regain some sense of equilibrium. It's like my inner child is having a tantrum and it doesn't want any dog if it's not Fiona. If I can't hold her and kiss her until she growls and if I can't hear her howl and talk to me then I don't want any other dog around. It's not fair to the boys and I know that but it's how I feel. And if Baker chases Kitten Face ONE more time and if I have to chase Owen around the house ONE more time to pick him up and take him outside I am going to scream. I am losing it here people.
I am not sure why I am sharing my horrible thoughts with you other than they need to leave the dark recesses of my mind and enter the light. I would never hurt the boys and they are my responsibility so they will stay here with me. I just don't know how to reassemble our life without Fiona. I am just not up for it right now and I feel like shit about it. So please keep the boys in your thoughts and hearts as mother tries to find her feet and stops being such a shithead.
Even with a deep hole your heart is huge....
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