Cautionary Tales from the sauna

I have been debating with myself this evening about whether hell could possibly be this unpleasant? I mean...torturing of miscreant souls aside...is it a dry heat in hell or do your eyeballs fog over when you step in?  We here in the Garden of Gauld have been experiencing an unpleasant few weeks of ridiculous humidity. Heat is one thing but for the love of God this humidity is bad even for the seasoned folk around here. The effort required to keep those important spots on one's body dry so as to avoid the aforementioned skin unpleasantness is reaching def con 10 proportions. I mean you cannot change your bra 3 times in one day...no one has the time to do that much laundry. Not to mention the powder and the showering and more powdering. It's exhausting quite frankly.

While we are on the subject of skin irritation let me tell you about an creature so evil that we don't even try to mention its name for fear it and all its kin will come and feast on our unwary ankles and feet. Yes...I am talking about the dreaded chigger. I spent a lovely weekend with my cousin in Arkansas and his yard was mowed nicely and it was fairly dry but I tell you what...they got a whiff of untapped Missouri flesh and they went to town on my legs. If you have never had the joy of experiencing the piranha-like effect these minuscule insects have on the human flesh you are one lucky bastard! Nothing...and I mean NOTHING itches like chigger bites! Not even the worst poison ivy can compare with the dreaded grass monsters. You can't sleep because you wake up in middle of the night feeling like amputation might be a good option for you. You slather ANYTHING you can find on your bites trying to find relief. You contemplate whether slicing off a few layers of skin could be such a bad thing. At one point at the party I realized I was using the flat side of a steak knife to relieved the itching. I have NO IDEA how that did not end badly.

Tonight I stopped in at the Neighborhood Market to get some cat and dog food because I did not want Kitten Face to kill me in my sleep. I swung by the pharmacy because the Benadryl just was not doing the trick. And there...in the aisle was my savior...the pharmacist...and he actually asked me if he could help me. I just looked at him with my sad pitiful eyes and said CHIGGERS!! He said to hang on a sec. He disappeared behind his magic counter and reappeared with...could it be...sweet mother of Jesus..it is...Chiggerid!!!!! Chiggerid is a hard to find product these days but it the only thing I have ever found to give me relief. He special orders it for folks. OMG!!! God BLESS you pharmacist man. I have shellacked my legs to kingdom come and the itch has finally abated. Now I will not have to kill anyone because I am so miserably focused on the insanity raging on my legs.

So...if you find yourself pondering a trip to this region anytime soon I have some advice for you. Pack LOTS of bras and underwear. Buy the extra large bottle of baby powder. Buy the biggest can of OFF you can find and drench yourself in it before you approach any green, leafy surface and beg your pharmacist to order you some Chiggerid too! Check to see if you insurance will cover self-amputations while you are at it...just in case.  OR...maybe change your plans to somewhere a little less moist. I mean I love to see all of you but really...save yourselves!!