First and foremost I would like to apologize to all my family and friends for any future idiocy that might occur. This is a direct result of me going OFF my meds. Now...at first this seems like a really bad idea right? She is in denial. She will wreck herself and we will have to listen to more mindless sobbing on the phone. I am not a fool. I know that this was a risk and I am well aware that my depression has not disappeared and that I will have bad days and weeks and be a mess. However...just look at that smile...that has not been seen in some time. That twinkle that tells you this person is not quite sane was gone. My light and my life were gone.
When I started the anti-depressants around 6 or so years ago it was for a good reason. I needed them. I was not able to deal with my grief on my own. So they were necessary to keep me on this planet and they did their job. They kept me alive until I could crawl back out of my hole. But somewhere along the way I got complacent and my nurse practitioners gave up on me. Everyone...including me...thought I would have to be on the meds for the rest of my life. After all...I have had issues with depression my whole life. And if some day I find myself back in the darkness I know I will recognize it and do what I need to do.
But for now...I feel ALIVE again!! I have been so anesthetized that I had forgotten what it felt like to feel really happy. These drugs are the pharmaceutical equivalent of a Dementor. (See Harry Potter) I could not FEEL happy. I noticed right away that they would not let me cry, even when there was darn good reason to do so. They allowed me to feel depressed...which I find quite ironic...but they did not allow me to feel really happy. They kept me on an artificial even keel. A surface happy sure...but not that euphoric, goofy, free feeling of just being happy. The joy of just being silly for no good reason. I have not felt "free" in years.
In the past week or so I have been more active and productive than I have in months. I do not want to sleep all the time. I want to be outside. I want to be silly. I want to soak up the world again. Now...all this being said...I am NOT advocating that everyone run right out and go off their meds. For some people they work and they help them and that is a good thing. I am just in a different place than I was when I needed them and I am willing to work on other techniques the next time the sadness arrives. I am willing now to work with it and not fight it.
So again...I wish to apologize in advance. I am back to having a weaker social filter. I am laughing loudly. I am probably going to be really hyper at times. I am going to be loud at times. I am going to annoy the shit out of you at times. I will probably offend someone really soon but understand that is not my intention. I just tend to blurt before thinking too deeply about the subject. My ADHD will be worse. I will be silly. I will be feisty. I will be sarcastic. I will be mishchevious. I will give you a hard time. (Amber) I will be inappropriate at times. What I will NOT be is sitting here writing that mess I wrote the other day. I will NOT be withdrawing into myself. I will not give up on my fellow man. I will not retreat to sitting in the lawn chair by myself brooding like my dad. I will be free and I will continue on my adventure. Wish me luck!!
Twinkle on little Bear! Dance with your twinkle. Welcome back!
ReplyDeleteI just read this, Karen, and I want you to know that this friend, who loves you very much, loves you because of the person you describe in that last paragraph. We are all works in progress, and I'm thankful you have come to this point. I am happy that you referred to "other techniques" too, considering the success you've had with the one technique (can't remember the name) that you explained to me.
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