"Do you know which clothes even fit me?."- The Clash

Believe it or not this is me...probably about 3 or 4 years old. The salad days so to speak.

The days before the PCOS took over and built the large, semi-manly bear you see today. The days before my dad convinced me I was worthless. The days before the sexual abuse. The days before I realized people were making fun of me for my size. The days before I lost me.

Today I have been doing a lot of pondering. Probably not such a good idea some would say. You see I have been trying to make a decision about the anti-depressants I have been taking for the last 7 or so years. I think I have decided to get off the pharmaceutical roller coaster and try to find other ways to deal with my depressive episodes. Since none of them are of the self-harming variety I think it's worth the risk. Therefore...my brain has been messing with me. Again...this is not new. "Everyone" says I cannot stop them cold turkey. But even 1/4 of a Lexapro makes me feel like crap for 2 days. I have been trying to find a happy balance for a couple of weeks now. Sometimes I feel like I am succeeding and other times failing.

Today I have been wondering who I am supposed to be. You would think I would have a better grasp of this at my age and in some ways I do. In some ways I know exactly who I am. I am kind, I am shy, I am loud, I am quiet, I can be hyper and annoying, I am intelligent, I wear my emotions in my eyes and I do not hide them, I can be cranky and moody, I love to laugh, I am sarcastic, I love irony and absurdity, my energy can be supportive or suffocating, I love too easily, I get hurt too easily, I try too hard to be perfect and do not handle criticism well. All of these things I know about myself. I am generally lovable...a big, warm fuzzy bear. Inside though...deep inside...in those places I don't like to think about I know there is a very fragile bear who is very, very angry and impulsive and erratic.

Lately I have been noticing that people have a lot of ideas of which Karen I should appear as most often. I have asked a trusted friend for feedback but she struggles with how to tell me things because she is afraid of hurting me or of poking the bear. Another friend has made it quite known that she does not like the "me" who comes to work on the Lexapro. I am too quiet! She wants me to be chatty, and funny and I don't know what all else. My size makes people uncomfortable, my non-obvious gender makes them uncomfortable, my booming voice bothers them, my social discomfort bothers them...let's face it...I just bother people. Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love shush you because you are too excited and loud? When you don't even realize you are being loud? So it bothers people to see my pain and it bothers them to see my hyper-ass self. What am I supposed to do with that shit? Do I walk around half-stoned and feeling like crap because it makes others more comfortable?

So...what is a bear to do with this mess? Do I continue to ride the pharma fun wagon because the drugged up Karen appeals to some folks? Do I continue to wean myself off of them because that Karen appeals to others? How do I find who I want to be again? How do I get un lost? How do I find a way to be comfortable in my own skin without becoming a hermit? Because you see I a withdrawing into myself more and more because I feel like I cannot possibly be the person others want me to be. How do I get back to that little care-free girl in the photo?