Fragility

One of the worst things about depression and low self-esteem is the sense of fragility that creeps up on you at the worst times. Right now I have another one of my chronic sinus infections that is really kicking my butt and not even bothering to take names. This infection has coincided with some familial heritage questioning and my urge to adopt another dog and has created the perfect fire storm of fragility in my house.

You see...I am really bad at being impulsive...especially when it comes to adopting pets. All of my pets were sort of spur of the moment things. Fiona because I couldn't stand the quiet in the house after Scooter passed away. Sumner was abandoned and given to me by a friend. Kitten Face just showed up in Target parking lot and I just took one look at her and brought her home. Dibley was puppy mill rescue I could not resist. I went to meet Lester and brought him home. I took one look at Owen's sad eyes and brought him home. So it wasn't really shocking to me when having a casual conversation with my vet led me to the back room and a long-haired dachshund who had been hit by car and had to have one of his front legs amputated. I took one look at him and he wagged his little tail and kissed me and I immediately said "I'll think I will have him." I even picked out a name for Pete's sake.

Then the doubts came. So I asked friends for opinions and they sort of ran the gambit. All of them care about me and all of them made reasoned arguments but you see I am not thinking rationally most of the time. I am a very emotionally led creature.  In a totally irrational move on my part I don't really want them to give me adult, reasoned responses. I want them to say "go for it", "trust yourself and your heart", "don't be afraid", "even if it's the wrong decision don't worry about it because I got your back." I am thinking though that this is just really too much to ask. And so I cry and I change my mind and I mourn my decision and I beat myself up for days...even though the sinus infection is already doing that for me.

You see...deep down inside me is a very care-free spirit. Someone impulsive and creative and joyous and full of life but she has a hard time escaping. She values too much what others think of her and she can't bear the thought of being a disappointment. You see all she has ever wanted was to be loved and to love in return. So she recklessly throws her love around the pet world because she cannot trust the people world.

In my defense there is good reason for my behavior. With a few notable exceptions...you know who you are...everyone who I have ever placed my trust in has betrayed that trust. My parents, the Evil One, a good friend of 30 some odd years who quit talking me when I tried to set boundaries and take care of myself and the love of my life who just walked away one day.

I try to put on a good show and carry the weight of normalcy because I find that few people are willing or able to bear witness to my pain. It makes them very uncomfortable so I tuck it away and try to pretend that everything is okay. I carry the load because it is mine and I don't feel like I am worthy enough to burden others. We all have our problems right? But there comes a time...usually when I am physically ill when my defenses disappear and I become the fragile little girl who lives inside my heart. And I fall apart because I just can't do it anymore. I just can't be that strong person who keeps a stiff upper lip and hides her pain so that everyone else can feel comfortable. Not today.

So I sat on my couch feeling like crap and crying and watching hour after hour of a TV show about folks helping one another until I finally started to feel better both physically and mentally. So for now the super glue has been re-applied and maybe I can go out into the world and set aside my fragility for now and resume my façade. After all...everyone will feel more comfortable then and I can go on pretending for awhile longer.

Meanwhile the little girl will keep looking for the escape hatch to happiness.

Jewels of wisdom.

Fiona and I had a chat today. She is having such issues trying to walk with her bad hips and my knees are cranky so we had a moment where we just sat in the bedroom and chatted. The end result was that she thought I should share with you our collective bits of wisdom that we have accumulated over our many years. Think of it as advice from your osteo-challenged elders.

NEVER...EVER ask a woman if she is pregnant! Unless you hear the words come out of her mouth...do NOT ever assume that she is with child. Trust me...this is bad.

Do not trust the intentions of your cat. This is totally naïve and dangerous. They may look all innocent and benign but they are plotting your downfall.

Do not spit or toss a beer bottle out of the car window unless you are SURE that car window is actually down. I bet that old Nova of mine still has green glass in it.

Do not ever go to Wal-Mart on a Sunday at about noon. This is both reckless and infuriating.

If you are within two weeks of your monthly cycle DO NOT put on a pair of white pants. This is just asking for trouble. On a related note...always be sure you are putting those pads on properly because the resulting hair loss can be painful, embarrassing and just a bit gross.

If you insist upon getting totally shitfaced at the bar please have a friend around who can video tape your embarrassing behavior. This is a learning tool and it might go viral and make a lot of money. It's a toss up really. Plus...you really need to see what an ass you are making of yourself. It's both embarrassing and funny and a little sad.

When engaged in naked frolicking with one's special someone...Do not say really stupid things you think you should say at that moment. There is not enough blood flow for both areas and you are bound to say something either embarrassing or creepy...just grunt or moan or something.

Never try to flop back down on the couch to continue your nap if you are still too groggy to realize you are going to miss your target and then have to avoid squishing a dog on your way to the floor.

Oh...and that gurgling noise in your intestines...don't ignore that...

If you are driving around in the middle of nowhere and you hear either gunshots or banjos do not get out of the car for any reason...just drive.

Ladies...when you are putting on your bra in the morning be sure to get it right the first time. Because if you have to start over you will temporarily forget how to put it back on and will have to stand there for a few seconds to reprogram your brain. This gets worse as you get older. It's distressing to stand there staring at your bra like you have never seen one before in your life.

And most importantly...always find someone to love. It doesn't have to be a romantic partner. It can be an old, silly dog who has been with you through all your ups and downs and still sticks around to lick your legs when you are sad and who needs you now to care for her and love her as much as she has loved you all these years.

Intelligent life absent.

A lot of things today have inspired me to write tonight so bear with me because when I get a little frustrated I go all "Southern".

A friend of mine has been visiting Roswell, New Mexico the last few days. I have been there and I love that place. They embrace the whole alien culture and just go mad with it and I think that is awesome!! This fact combined with recent events in the news has caused me to reach a conclusion that has been rolling around in my head for some time now.

If there are intelligent life forms out there we have no worries that they will ever bother us here on Earth. I can see them in their space ships now analyzing our society and going "Oh HELL no!! We are not messing around with these idiots!" There is not enough intelligent life down there to waste our time with...I mean look at the upcoming elections...enough said...leave those Earthlings alone...they will destroy one another faster and we can save our lasers for more worthy foes.

First...you have the "responsible" gun owner who drops his weapon in the Cracker Barrel and shoots three people. Those poor people were probably minding their own business, playing the peg game or scarfing down their biscuits and gravy, pondering which moon pie to buy on the way out and this fool shoots them while yanking his drawers up. That is just wrong y'all.

Then you got the idiot in Mississippi who decides to blow up the local Wal-Mart because they won't sell Confederate memorabilia anymore. That's right...genius...that's a symbol of heritage...not hate. How many times did your mama drop you on your head any way?

Then you got Tom Jones all riled up about rumors of his racial composition so he's going to have DNA testing to see if he really is at least part African-American. Who the hell cares whether you are black or not man? It does not matter. You are still the same person with the same talent. I don't think any of those women are going to want their panties back if it turns out you are a brother. Just be yourself Tom!

Then you got the mid-level executive at Taco Bell slapping the hell out of his Uber driver for trying to make him exit the car because he is too drunk to give directions. Seriously son...you are taking "impaired" to a whole new level. Next time just lie down and wait for the police to pick your sorry ass up.

Then you got the 911 dispatcher in Colorado Springs who blew off the call about an armed man walking down the street. I don't know where this person comes from but around here that's a cause for alarm even if it is deer season.

Then you got the Kardashians...enough said right there.

There is a whole lot of craziness and stupidity flooding the airwaves right now. It's enough to make a girl want to move to the mountains and shoot at folks from her front porch. And then...one night the girl hears about a kitten stranded in a sewage drain and she can't go home until she at least tries to catch it and bring it to safety. So...at one of the busiest times of day, on one of the busiest streets in town, the girl manages to get her arthritic knees to allow her to get down on the pavement and crawl around on her stomach trying to reach this reluctant, terrified kitten. Then her friend joins her and they both try to help and then complete strangers start stopping to see if we need help. And just a little bit of the girls lost faith in humanity is restored. She couldn't reach the kitten but maybe one of the people who stopped will come back and be successful. One of ya'll needs to get that damn kitten!! Live long prosper ya'll!

Fluffy Angels

Today I would like to pay tribute to a very special Border Collie girl who recently passed over the Rainbow Bridge. Her name was Chloe Gypsy Kruger and I loved her very much.

Chloe was a special girl for so very many reasons. Chloe was rescued from a very abusive household where she was routinely beaten...so much so that it did permanent nerve damage to her hips. Because the abuse took place in a home that was also a daycare she associated children with her pain and was never fond of them. They terrified her actually...which was something we had in common.

Once in rescue Chloe opened up some and was adopted by one of my best friends...Julie.
She joined another wonderful Border Collie named Ricochet who quickly adopted Chloe as her puppy and protected her as such from then on.

There is so much wonderful variety amongst Border Collies and Chloe was the puff ball kind. She had a beautiful, long and fluffy coat which she wore very elegantly. She was so awesome to hug and smooch. You just could not look at that face and not want to put your arms around her fluffiness and hug and kiss her. She tolerated that pretty well all things considered. Aunt Karen got by with a lot.

Chloe had the most wonderful spirit about her and a devilish twinkle in her eye at times as well. When she was a puppy Julie had a guest at her house and Chloe promptly went into her room and grabbed a pair of dirty underwear and when Julie's friend yelled at her she turned around, dropped the underwear and just barked at her. That was Chloe.

When I met Julie I brought along some baggage in the form of a Corgi named Fiona. Chloe and Ricochet took Fiona under their wings of the herding fraternity. They accepted her with a lot of patience and grace considering her bull dozing obsession with the Frisbee. Chloe loved to see Fiona because she knew play time was about to erupt. We would go out back and Chloe would grab her Frisbee and proceed to herd Fiona around the yard. Ricochet would always beat Fiona to the Frisbee but would kindly leave it for her because she knew Fiona was going to mow her down to get to it. Their kindness and love for Fiona made me love them all the more. Fiona got by with a lot as well.

My favorite memory of them is two fold. One is the day we took all the dogs out to Kaplan Woods and we had quite the herd. Two border collies, a corgi, a Chihuahua and a cattle dog mix. It was a magical day that I will always remember. That kind of simple joy and happiness is a rare thing and I am so glad I got to spend it with my special friends both furry and fur-less. The other is of a walk at Leo Rudolph when Chloe and Ricochet ran on ahead because Fiona was holding up the train and proceeded to plunge into the pond. Unfortunately the water level was really low and by the time we got up there both dogs were covered in a black, shiny, oily, STINKY, mess. After I finished laughing we loaded everyone up and went to the dog wash. It was AWESOME!!

After Ricochet crossed over the bridge Julie adopted another sweet baby named Bella. Chloe stepped right into Ricochet's shoes and Bella was her baby. Fiona continued to just do her own thing because she has one focus and obsession...balls and Frisbees. I am still not sure how Julie managed to play ball so much in her living room with Fiona chasing and Chloe right behind her, sheep in mouth and butt in the air, herding that little brown dog around the room. It was amazing to watch.

When Julie opened her heart and home to Fiona and I, I grew to love Chloe even more. I worked nights and she and Bella would come into my room and sleep with me during the day. I remember waking up more than once with Chloe staring into my face panting at me. I felt so loved and so needed. They would guard me as I slept and I needed that and they knew it and I will be forever grateful to them both.

Chloe was so special because despite her past experience with humans she was able to move on and give and receive love from those who loved her. She was able to put the pain and fear aside and open her heart to another human being. She was a focused herding dog by day and a love bug by night. She had a twinkle in her eye that could not be denied. Chloe was up for life and up for adventure. She gave freely of herself and gave her mom consolation when her baby, Ricochet, crossed the bridge. And now Bella will do the same for her mom and when Julie decides to share her heart with another dog I am sure Bella will take her under her wing and she will be Bella's puppy. After all...she learned from the best. Rest in peace my beloved Chloe Bug and you keep those other furry angels in line up there. Thank you for accepting me into your life and allowing me to love you and to give me love in return. Your heart will be forever remembered by those who loved you.

Namaste my Bug a Doo

Random rubbish blowing through my mind like fall leaves

Ah...Fall...I love this time of year...temps are cooling...leaves are changing...candy is in season...it's all good.

These are some random things that have been breezing through my brain lately.

Tis' the season when mother nature plays funny games with my ageing eyesight. This is how they should test older drivers. If you jump and hit your brakes every time a suspiciously squirrel-like leaf blows across the road in front of you...you are good.

Speaking of eyesight issues. The other day I got a rather innocent e-mail at work and I just lost it. A full on case of the simples. Laughing, snorting, wheezing, more laughing, trying not to pee, more snorting. It had nothing to do with the e-mail or the person who sent it. It was just the fact that my eyes and my brain interpreted "art-teast" as "art teets". I know...right...it's not that funny...but at the time I thought the way my brain misread the word was hysterical. I've been doing that a lot lately and mishearing the conversations of my co-workers. At least I am pretty sure they weren't talking about fornication in the front lobby.

Poor Lamar Odom! One would have thought that being found unconscious in a Nevada brothel would be the complete rock bottom one could hit. But no...the media has to note that he has been hanging out at said brothel for four days taking herbal Viagra and drinking Cognac. It's not bad enough that he might lose his life but..."come on man"...this is just too much.

Sign at local church...Octoberfest...Nov. 1st. I will just let that sit for a bit.

Speaking of religion...I noticed a guy the other day with lots of Christian stuff all in his manly truck windows and a big JESUS tattoo on his arm. The next day I saw a semi-trailer with JESUS painted in ginourmous red letters. Now...loving Jesus is all well and good but I'm thinking he would have preferred that you spent that money on the poor. I'm just sayin'!

I wonder what the Guinness Book of Records holds as the longest one can go without vacuuming one's carpet when one has several pets? Just wondering...no particular reason. Ahem...moving on....

I found myself having a debate with myself the other morning over whether or not I should wear the black socks I just pulled out of the sock hug fest in my drawer even thought they did not quite match or should I just go with it...who will notice...sad to say I just went for it and now my sock drawer has two, lonely, mismatched socks.

Can someone explain to me why Kitten Face feels the need to shred me in the morning before I get dressed for work? She was particularly vicious this morning. I suspect she is practicing for the day she works out how to open the cans of cat food and no longer needs my opposable thumb.

How can a reasonable person be expected to haul themselves out of bed in the morning when it's still dark outside??? That's just WRONG!!

I feel like I may be trying to catch a cold so be prepared...there could be a whiny...lengthy blog...full of phlegm references in the near future.

In the mean time...I shall try to clean the litter boxes before I head off to bed...unless of course I get distracted again...oh look...a chicken!!!

What kind of world is this anyway?

I must confess...I am feeling very down about the state of humanity right now. I just read a story about and 11 year old boy who had been bullying his 8 year old neighbor. When she refused to let him see her puppy he promptly went in the house and got his dad's 12 gauge shotgun and shot her in the chest killing her. OVER A PUPPY!!!

Now...lest you think I am an anti-gun nut...I grew up with guns in the house. Three of them to be exact. I still have them. I also possessed many toy guns...including toy automatic rifles or machine guns as us older folks grew up calling them. The difference appears to be that despite my parents' overall lack of parenting skills I was taught the difference between what was real and what was fake. I was taught not to point even a toy gun at another person. I was taught not to touch my dad's guns which were never locked up. They were unloaded and the bullets stored elsewhere but I had access to them. Oddly enough...it never would have occurred to me to solve a dispute with ANYONE by using one of those guns! As a teenager I was allowed to touch those guns but it still never would have occurred to me to use one of them to harm anyone. That whole "thou shalt not kill" thing was pretty ingrained in me at a young age.

I don't understand how we got to the point where being bullied, or feeling like an outcast, or being angry at the world, or being told no leads to killing someone. How is that okay? How violent do we have to become before someone says enough? How self-absorbed and entitled do we have to be to think it's okay to kill others to meet our goals? How does wanting to be "famous" or "be someone" become so important to someone that they resort to mass murder!! I got news people...most of us will never be famous...we will never be a household name and we will never be worshiped and adored by the masses. How has becoming famous or "someone" become that important?

We are stressed out. Our brains are over stimulated by too much media exposure. We are obsessed with social media and so called mass produced "reality". We live in a very uncivilized time. Politics has become uber violent. We love our violent contact sports. We make blanket judgments of others with no understanding of their situations. We hate those that disagree with us. We use religion to club one another over the head with our righteousness. We would rather have our ginourmous TV's, our new cars, the newest smart phones, the newest this and the newest that rather than feed the hungry and provide health care to those who need it...especially veterans. We are rude to one another on a daily basis. We are harsh and judgmental and unforgiving of those who differ from us.

Rather than try to re-build the social contract that holds us all together we have instead decided to cling to our guns to protect ourselves. More and more people are getting conceal and carry permits. More and more people, both the mentally stable and the mentally unstable are arming themselves to go out and do the simplest of tasks. How sad is it that people feel the need to arm themselves to go shopping or to the movies? Why do we continue to live in such fear of one another that we would prefer killing someone over working to re-build a more civilized world together? How is killing someone a reasonable response to being told "NO?" What are we doing people? For the love of GOD can we just stop thinking we are SO important that we have the right to take someone else's life! I just need this insanity to stop.

Havens

I have found in my life that I need special havens of solitude...or safety...or whatever. Sometimes they are physical places, sometimes psychological, sometimes emotional. Whatever I call them they are my havens. They have varied over my decades on this earth.

I think the first haven I can remember was my closet. You see I lived with a very emotionally volatile and abusive father and a mother who was too overwhelmed to handle it all. I was also sexually abused as a child but not by my father. Needless to say...I never felt safe. I always felt exposed, vulnerable and anxious. So, I would create little "forts" in my closet and would play and nap in there. I could shut the door and feel hidden and safe. That worked really well until I grew too tall for that particular haven.

At one point in time the sexual abuse by my neighbor got bad enough that I was afraid to sleep in my room lest he come to the window and make lewd suggestions. I took the couch cushions and made a pallet between my mom's side of their bed and a dresser and slept there for I don't know how many nights before I moved back to my own room. I cannot remember what I told my parents and they evidently didn't feel the need to dwell too deeply.

I also found refuge in my friend Elaine's home. I LOVED her house. There was always activity going on and I felt safe there. I am sure it made her mom nuts that I was there SO much but she had no idea how important their home was to me. It was a safe haven and a refuge where I could feel a bit less anxious.

One of my favorite places of refuge was a large cage/hutch that my grandfather had built for his pet squirrel Bill. I could put plastic around it to keep the wind out and play in there. I could use it as my fort and my grandfather's homemade wheelbarrow as my boat. If you turned it upside you could both crawl inside it and hide and sit on top of it and pretend the metal wheels were the ship's wheel. I used to love to sit in there when it rained. It had an overhanging roof so if it wasn't pouring too hard you could sit in there and experience the rain without getting wet. I still remember the sounds and the smell. I loved it.

This area, my hometown, and the surrounding areas have also been my safe havens. Spring River, the dam, Center Creek, the courthouse, my old college paper routes, the old Morrow Mill area when the dam was still there, Kellogg Lake, Municipal Park, Central Park etc.... I feel a level of comfort here that I have never found anywhere else. I know the trees, the water, the grass, the wildlife...it's home. I feel a connection here to the and the land and the water that gives me comfort.

These days my havens are experienced mostly from my car...which is a VERY special haven in and of itself. I cannot imagine trying to live without my car. It is my safe zone, my freedom and where I generally feel safe and in control. Why all this musing about safe havens you wonder?

Well this weekend I found myself asking my friends indulgence while I retreated into my safe haven and tried to re-boot my spirit and my soul. I get to the point where the empathy takes a dramatic toll on me. I knew I was getting too stressed when the latest school shooting caused me to totally lose my temper in an irrational way. I was just so angry at the pointless loss of human life. I get too overloaded with the emotions of others and I feel pushed and pushed to the edge, the exhaustion takes over and I just need to be quiet and alone for awhile. So I retreated to my house and spent a quiet weekend doing things around the house and hanging out with my fur babies. I did see other humans. I had a lovely lunch with friends on Saturday and the aforementioned Elaine came by to visit with me for awhile today and I took Johnny his birthday Snickers today.

So when I retreat into myself and hide out in my house it is in attempt to recreate a haven of sanity for myself. A place to flush out the emotional overload and re-boot myself so to speak. I wish I could explain the need for silence and aloneness but I find myself floundering. So I thank my friends for their indulgence while I retreat into my haven of silence so that I can bounce back into my quirky self.