Fragility

One of the worst things about depression and low self-esteem is the sense of fragility that creeps up on you at the worst times. Right now I have another one of my chronic sinus infections that is really kicking my butt and not even bothering to take names. This infection has coincided with some familial heritage questioning and my urge to adopt another dog and has created the perfect fire storm of fragility in my house.

You see...I am really bad at being impulsive...especially when it comes to adopting pets. All of my pets were sort of spur of the moment things. Fiona because I couldn't stand the quiet in the house after Scooter passed away. Sumner was abandoned and given to me by a friend. Kitten Face just showed up in Target parking lot and I just took one look at her and brought her home. Dibley was puppy mill rescue I could not resist. I went to meet Lester and brought him home. I took one look at Owen's sad eyes and brought him home. So it wasn't really shocking to me when having a casual conversation with my vet led me to the back room and a long-haired dachshund who had been hit by car and had to have one of his front legs amputated. I took one look at him and he wagged his little tail and kissed me and I immediately said "I'll think I will have him." I even picked out a name for Pete's sake.

Then the doubts came. So I asked friends for opinions and they sort of ran the gambit. All of them care about me and all of them made reasoned arguments but you see I am not thinking rationally most of the time. I am a very emotionally led creature.  In a totally irrational move on my part I don't really want them to give me adult, reasoned responses. I want them to say "go for it", "trust yourself and your heart", "don't be afraid", "even if it's the wrong decision don't worry about it because I got your back." I am thinking though that this is just really too much to ask. And so I cry and I change my mind and I mourn my decision and I beat myself up for days...even though the sinus infection is already doing that for me.

You see...deep down inside me is a very care-free spirit. Someone impulsive and creative and joyous and full of life but she has a hard time escaping. She values too much what others think of her and she can't bear the thought of being a disappointment. You see all she has ever wanted was to be loved and to love in return. So she recklessly throws her love around the pet world because she cannot trust the people world.

In my defense there is good reason for my behavior. With a few notable exceptions...you know who you are...everyone who I have ever placed my trust in has betrayed that trust. My parents, the Evil One, a good friend of 30 some odd years who quit talking me when I tried to set boundaries and take care of myself and the love of my life who just walked away one day.

I try to put on a good show and carry the weight of normalcy because I find that few people are willing or able to bear witness to my pain. It makes them very uncomfortable so I tuck it away and try to pretend that everything is okay. I carry the load because it is mine and I don't feel like I am worthy enough to burden others. We all have our problems right? But there comes a time...usually when I am physically ill when my defenses disappear and I become the fragile little girl who lives inside my heart. And I fall apart because I just can't do it anymore. I just can't be that strong person who keeps a stiff upper lip and hides her pain so that everyone else can feel comfortable. Not today.

So I sat on my couch feeling like crap and crying and watching hour after hour of a TV show about folks helping one another until I finally started to feel better both physically and mentally. So for now the super glue has been re-applied and maybe I can go out into the world and set aside my fragility for now and resume my façade. After all...everyone will feel more comfortable then and I can go on pretending for awhile longer.

Meanwhile the little girl will keep looking for the escape hatch to happiness.