Jewels of wisdom.

Fiona and I had a chat today. She is having such issues trying to walk with her bad hips and my knees are cranky so we had a moment where we just sat in the bedroom and chatted. The end result was that she thought I should share with you our collective bits of wisdom that we have accumulated over our many years. Think of it as advice from your osteo-challenged elders.

NEVER...EVER ask a woman if she is pregnant! Unless you hear the words come out of her mouth...do NOT ever assume that she is with child. Trust me...this is bad.

Do not trust the intentions of your cat. This is totally naïve and dangerous. They may look all innocent and benign but they are plotting your downfall.

Do not spit or toss a beer bottle out of the car window unless you are SURE that car window is actually down. I bet that old Nova of mine still has green glass in it.

Do not ever go to Wal-Mart on a Sunday at about noon. This is both reckless and infuriating.

If you are within two weeks of your monthly cycle DO NOT put on a pair of white pants. This is just asking for trouble. On a related note...always be sure you are putting those pads on properly because the resulting hair loss can be painful, embarrassing and just a bit gross.

If you insist upon getting totally shitfaced at the bar please have a friend around who can video tape your embarrassing behavior. This is a learning tool and it might go viral and make a lot of money. It's a toss up really. Plus...you really need to see what an ass you are making of yourself. It's both embarrassing and funny and a little sad.

When engaged in naked frolicking with one's special someone...Do not say really stupid things you think you should say at that moment. There is not enough blood flow for both areas and you are bound to say something either embarrassing or creepy...just grunt or moan or something.

Never try to flop back down on the couch to continue your nap if you are still too groggy to realize you are going to miss your target and then have to avoid squishing a dog on your way to the floor.

Oh...and that gurgling noise in your intestines...don't ignore that...

If you are driving around in the middle of nowhere and you hear either gunshots or banjos do not get out of the car for any reason...just drive.

Ladies...when you are putting on your bra in the morning be sure to get it right the first time. Because if you have to start over you will temporarily forget how to put it back on and will have to stand there for a few seconds to reprogram your brain. This gets worse as you get older. It's distressing to stand there staring at your bra like you have never seen one before in your life.

And most importantly...always find someone to love. It doesn't have to be a romantic partner. It can be an old, silly dog who has been with you through all your ups and downs and still sticks around to lick your legs when you are sad and who needs you now to care for her and love her as much as she has loved you all these years.