Earth Day Chats

As I have noted here before I often find myself conversing with whatever critters I might happen upon on my drives. Usually it's cows, or dogs, or cats, or turtles, or hawks, or horses, or goats...anyway you get my drift. I find myself saying the same sorts of things over and over again. I think the most popular...in no particular order of importance are:
"What's up cows?" "Sheep!!!!" "Goats!!!!" "BABIES!!!!""Get out of the road!" "What have you got in your mouth?" "Should you be eating that?" "You scared the crap out of me!" "Be careful!" "What are you doing?" "Oh...please sit still little bird..aw rats!" "Aren't you pretty?" And "Thank you!"

Yesterday I noticed that, per usual in the Spring, I was talking a lot to my friends the turkey vultures. The vultures and I have an unusual relationship. For some reason I feel the need to critique their behavior. I think it's because when I just talk to them normally they give me that condescending look they always wear. It's that same look I used to get if I accidently cursed in front of a nun...you know the look. This causes me to immediately retort..."oh yeah...well you're butt ugly and you eat road kill so I wouldn't be so smug if I were you!" (This is said to the vultures...never to a nun.)

In about the span of four miles I had several chats with the dead breath kids. The first was "What are you four fighting over? Ah...a possum...well done...carry on." A mile down the road there were three in a field and I could not figure out what they were doing so I stopped since no other sane person was on that road in the cold rain. I figured out two were fighting...I assume over the babe with them because they were not eating. Since I hate fighting and confrontation in general I rolled down the window and proceeded to yell at them until they broke it up and the one combatant flew away. I was quite pleased with my peace making efforts.

Another mile down the road I thought what the heck is going on down here. It's a convention. This can't be good. There were nine of them and guess what they were doing? That's right...fighting over a tiny little smushed bunny. NINE...of...them! I just stopped and looked at them..."Really? Nine of you...there's a possum a couple miles west of here you might want to check out because this is just sad." "Oh and you might want to move because the next farmer in a big truck might not care if he takes you out and then you know what comes next right? That's right. Your friends are relatives here eat you! So get your asses out of the road because that tiny bunny is not worth it dudes."

Later on I had a discussion with two more brilliant vultures who were fighting over a raccoon in the middle of a bridge. "Um...middle of the bridge guys...this is why the raccoon didn't make it in the first place...not a good plan." They just gave me the look and flew off into a tree.

I love chatting with the boys and girls of the "I eat dead things" crowd. I think they really appreciate sarcasm. I think if they could speak English we could have quite the chat and I am sure it would be rude and delightful. So the next time you see one doing something ridiculous or stupid please feel free to tell them so and you can use my name as a reference. I am sure I have a rep. Get outside people!!!