Havens

I have found in my life that I need special havens of solitude...or safety...or whatever. Sometimes they are physical places, sometimes psychological, sometimes emotional. Whatever I call them they are my havens. They have varied over my decades on this earth.

I think the first haven I can remember was my closet. You see I lived with a very emotionally volatile and abusive father and a mother who was too overwhelmed to handle it all. I was also sexually abused as a child but not by my father. Needless to say...I never felt safe. I always felt exposed, vulnerable and anxious. So, I would create little "forts" in my closet and would play and nap in there. I could shut the door and feel hidden and safe. That worked really well until I grew too tall for that particular haven.

At one point in time the sexual abuse by my neighbor got bad enough that I was afraid to sleep in my room lest he come to the window and make lewd suggestions. I took the couch cushions and made a pallet between my mom's side of their bed and a dresser and slept there for I don't know how many nights before I moved back to my own room. I cannot remember what I told my parents and they evidently didn't feel the need to dwell too deeply.

I also found refuge in my friend Elaine's home. I LOVED her house. There was always activity going on and I felt safe there. I am sure it made her mom nuts that I was there SO much but she had no idea how important their home was to me. It was a safe haven and a refuge where I could feel a bit less anxious.

One of my favorite places of refuge was a large cage/hutch that my grandfather had built for his pet squirrel Bill. I could put plastic around it to keep the wind out and play in there. I could use it as my fort and my grandfather's homemade wheelbarrow as my boat. If you turned it upside you could both crawl inside it and hide and sit on top of it and pretend the metal wheels were the ship's wheel. I used to love to sit in there when it rained. It had an overhanging roof so if it wasn't pouring too hard you could sit in there and experience the rain without getting wet. I still remember the sounds and the smell. I loved it.

This area, my hometown, and the surrounding areas have also been my safe havens. Spring River, the dam, Center Creek, the courthouse, my old college paper routes, the old Morrow Mill area when the dam was still there, Kellogg Lake, Municipal Park, Central Park etc.... I feel a level of comfort here that I have never found anywhere else. I know the trees, the water, the grass, the wildlife...it's home. I feel a connection here to the and the land and the water that gives me comfort.

These days my havens are experienced mostly from my car...which is a VERY special haven in and of itself. I cannot imagine trying to live without my car. It is my safe zone, my freedom and where I generally feel safe and in control. Why all this musing about safe havens you wonder?

Well this weekend I found myself asking my friends indulgence while I retreated into my safe haven and tried to re-boot my spirit and my soul. I get to the point where the empathy takes a dramatic toll on me. I knew I was getting too stressed when the latest school shooting caused me to totally lose my temper in an irrational way. I was just so angry at the pointless loss of human life. I get too overloaded with the emotions of others and I feel pushed and pushed to the edge, the exhaustion takes over and I just need to be quiet and alone for awhile. So I retreated to my house and spent a quiet weekend doing things around the house and hanging out with my fur babies. I did see other humans. I had a lovely lunch with friends on Saturday and the aforementioned Elaine came by to visit with me for awhile today and I took Johnny his birthday Snickers today.

So when I retreat into myself and hide out in my house it is in attempt to recreate a haven of sanity for myself. A place to flush out the emotional overload and re-boot myself so to speak. I wish I could explain the need for silence and aloneness but I find myself floundering. So I thank my friends for their indulgence while I retreat into my haven of silence so that I can bounce back into my quirky self.