Another year older...a bear's journey.

Today is my 53rd birthday my friends. Last night I was sitting and watching the beautiful harvest/blood moon and eclipse and was thinking to myself...what if the world does end tonight? Well that's not really possible because someone would have noticed if Australia had disappeared from the face of earth so I guess it's not happening tonight. How do I feel about that? Well...I am kind of sad about it because then folks who are suffering would be free from their pain and hunger and fear. But on the other hand...the child in me would really prefer to enjoy my 53 birthday sans Armageddon...after all...I still had presents to open. So much for being a mature, sensitive being right?

It all boils down to my somewhat (oh who am I kidding)...my seriously messed up sense of self. I mean, most people wouldn't feel bad because they wanted to have their birthday instead of a visit by the four horsemen of the apocalypse...right? See...messed up. On the bright side I am working on self-care with my therapist so maybe my blog next year will be totally rainbows and unicorns and shit.

I have been around a good while now. I have lived in Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Minnesota and now Missouri again. In every place I have ever lived I have been blessed with wonderful friends. There are friends that I grew up with...many of whom I still manage to be able to call my friends. Elaine, Michael, Carol, Margaret, Myra and many more I am forgetting. Amazingly enough I am still friends with folks I went to high school with...it's amazing because I am not sure I talked to anyone all that much...they are a patient lot. Friends from college, Dave and Bonnie, Janice, Lori, Karen, Lisa, Stephanie and a lot of others I am forgetting. Friends from my misspent party days, there's some overlap here I must say, Marsha (RIP), The Troll, Nancy, Julie, Paula, Lori, Connie, Sheryl and many others. Friends from Arkansas, Amy, Hollie, Maryeileen and Josh, Pat and Jan. Friends from Tennessee, Mike and Bernice, Bridget and her wonderful girls. Friends from Minnesota, Julie, Inez, Candace, Penny and Mike, Charli, Jeri, Stuart, Diane, Kim, Darcy, Jan L, Jan P, Alison, the bowling girls, my church family at St. Paul's, my fellow suffering Wal-Mart peeps and anyone else I have forgotten. Now I am making new friends back home, Catina, Amber and Justin, Keith and Terri, Michael, Regina, Chasidy and Staci, Danny and Amber, Stephanie and Terry, Raymond and Kimmie, Jason, the Lindas, Marie, and all my other co-workers. My point in listing all these folks is that I have been very blessed to have them all give of themselves and their time to me. They have all made me laugh till I cried, snorted and probably peed. They have brought much joy to my life and they mean the world to me. Every last one of them.

I grew up in a very abusive household and my dad kept us reasonably isolated and so I did not get to spend any time really with my Clayton cousins but they are still family to me. Tommy, Connie B., Cindy, Dixie, Sammy, Patty Ann and Gloria. I have been blessed in recent years to reacquaint myself with them and it makes my heart happy. I am closer to my Barchak cousins who are as delightfully quirky as myself and I love each and everyone of you.

And then there's my best friend. The one whom puts up with my depressive mood swings, my whining, my endless self-examination, my ADD and all my other quirks. The one whom I do not hesitate to call at 1:30 in the morning when I am rushing my dying dog to the emergency clinic. The one who won't let me hang up the phone until I am home safe. The one I turn to for everything. My world, my heart and my soul. Yea...you know who you are.

The point of this blog is that I am VERY blessed to have a wonderful group of people in my life. They are all family to me...whether there is shared DNA between us or not. I am not always good about sharing my feelings with others when it really matters. I joke a lot and try to cover up my insecurities and doubts. I find it hard sometimes to have really serious discussions with folks. I mean...what if they are thinking...Jesus...what a dork...I wish she would shut up. See...messed up. So with this blog I sit here and with all the honesty and love I have in my heart say I love you all and I am glad you blessed my life with your love and your presence. I am a lucky 53 year old working on enjoying the bonus years she never thought she would have. So bear with me and just absorb the mushy love stuff...I will get back to my normal self soon.

Namaste my friends!