Holding down the fort so to speak!

Tonight I feel the need to wax poetic about something that some of you might find disturbing so if you are easily grossed out you might want to move on...now!

Tonight I would like to talk to all of my sisters out there who have reached...shall we say...a more mature age.

Do you remember those carefree days when you could wake up in the morning and just throw on a pair of underwear and go? Or maybe you forgot to do laundry and just went commando (Dave...you know who you are)? Ah...those were the relaxed days when all a girl had to worry about was whether her period might try to sneak up on her at an inopportune moment like stepping into a pool full of people or when you insisted upon wearing those white pants (Kristy...you know who you are)?

It began as an insipid and sneaky process...how these easy going days were replaced with a growing sense of paranoia and padding. First...you reached the age...say in your 30's or for those of you have had children...the day after having said child...that you find yourself coming to the realization that the Lightdays pad has now become an essential part of your wardrobe. You don't even go to the mailbox without making sure things are secure. You have now reached stage one.

Stage two comes along some time in your late 30's to early 40's when you realize that the Lightdays you have relied on for so long have now lost their usefulness. The volume has exceeded the ability of the cotton to absorb the now more prevalent leakage issue. Now you are faced with two big decisions. Do I just go to a regular pad all the time or can I get by with an ultra-thin...maybe with wings? I refuse to go to the Depends isle. I just refuse!!

Stage three is planted squarely in your 40's. Now is the time when fortifying those underwear is at critical mass because now even the most innocent of sneezes can cause def con 9!! God forbid you should get a bad cough or pneumonia! There is nothing that can save you now. You just have to rely on those extra underwear that lurk in the back of the drawer...you know...the ones you wear only in case of dire emergency. Well...this is it sister. You have to pull out all the stops for this time period of your life. Either that or you hide at home all the time.

This is also the time when you suddenly realize that you MUST know the location of the bathrooms in every public building you enter. You walk into any store or home and immediately start scanning for the bathrooms. It just becomes second nature. You are always on alert...like a toilet ninja! Hah!

Or better yet...you hop out of the shower and suddenly realize you are OUT of the necessary underwear dam building equipment. How can this be? I thought there was at least one more in the bag. Shit! What do you do now? Well... if you are like me you start seeking cotton salvation everywhere. Maybe that suitcase I took last time on vacation? Maybe my backpack? Maybe that other bag? And for a moment...just a brief moment...as you are tearing your house apart looking for salvation in a square wrapper you wonder if you could get by with the pads that go in El Diablo the pee monster's belly bands? You shake that off...because let's face it that is just really for the def con 9 day. You stand around...frustrated...pondering if you can get to Walgreen's without needing a change of clothes when you see...peeking out at you from your nightstand...salvation...Alleluia!!! Crisis averted...for now.

Stage four always sneaks up on you. You THINK you are doing fine with that super long, overnight, with wings pad and then you realize that for the last month you have started using two end to end so you can get maximum coverage. This works for a little while until you suddenly realize that that odor might actually be coming from YOUR who ha. EEKKKK!!!  So you suck it up and you head to the senior citizen aisle. You stand there for awhile wondering just how far you will have to go to strengthen your battle lines. Can you get by with the extra long Poise pads or should you just surrender and go with a Depend? Bravely...you stand tall...and say...NAY...I am not ready for the Depend yet...I am only 53 for Christ's sake!! I shall not surrender my remaining dignity. I shall go for the Poise and pray for the best.

We all know it's only a matter of time until surrender must be complete but for now we proudly hold our lines and secure the fort. And every time we sneeze or have a coughing fit we stop and check to see if we think our defenses have been breached and then we go to the bathroom to be sure because we are paranoid.

Yes children...the time is coming. None of us can avoid it for long. The older we get the leakier we get. It's just the sad reality that comes with all this wisdom we have accumulated. So be brave! Hold that fort strongly and pray for deliverance from the final destination...the Depends aisle. Hold your head high my friends and try not to sneeze!