Hamster Wheel

I am brazenly stealing a metaphor from a friend of mine. She can sue me...but really what could she gain...3 geriatric dogs and a neurotic cat...it's just not worth it.

This Labor Day weekend I find myself on the hamster wheel. I have tried various techniques to dismount said plastic, banging endlessly on the side the of plastic cage, devious rodent conveyance but here I am still running and still banging.

You see...I have recently been told that I display "negative" behavior. My first impulse was to blurt out "no shit Sherlock" but I contained myself until I could come home and abuse myself in private. I bloody well know that I can be moody and I can be quiet! I am a depressed, ADD suffering, PTSD surviving, introvert and empathic ball of emotional mess who can barely navigate this world without the "assistance" of other people pointing out said flaws to me.

I have not tried to hide said personality "flaws". I do try to minimize their impact on my daily life so that I can function but I have never tried to hide who I am. In an effort to keep some sort of pride in tact I do admit to trying not to sob at work because my dog just had three episodes of heart syncope right in front of me and I had to leave him at home alone because work was more "important" than his well-being.

I was raised in a very abusive household and I spent the first 18 years of my life in Catholic school...of course I am overly critical and can get cranky. I am also ridiculously intelligent ( sorry for that bit of ego but I really am rather intelligent)  and a perfectionist so when I encounter something that was done sloppily or stupidly I often mumble character assassinating things to myself. I wish I was more tolerant of these things but it's a difficult thing to overcome. I am always far harder on myself than anyone else. I hold myself to high standards and when I mess up it's not a pretty sight.

You see...to make a mistake admits that that bastard of a father was right about you all along. You are a stupid woman who is always at fault and always doing things wrong. To admit that you are human opens you up to the ridicule that you just can't stand anymore. You must protect yourself. So you very sincerely apologize for making the mistake and then you agonize over said mistake for God knows how long because if you beat yourself up over it no one else will feel like piling on and you can be safe in your warm blankie of self-loathing.

You may wonder where I am going with all this...well I don't really know other than I need to get it off the wheel somehow...so...here goes....

Dear World: Please see above self-description of my character flaws of which I am well aware. I understand that I can be moody, introspective, shut down and well...not always the Mary Poppins type persona you seem to want to encounter on a daily basis. I am who I am and I can only try to improve myself to make myself happier and not to please you. If I am able to change it will be done so in an effort to live a happier life for myself and not to make your life easier. If my depression bothers you so much that you feel the need to make nasty comments about my behavior being negative well then I think that says more about you than it does me. You can pay lip service all you want to respecting the "diversity" of others and you can pretend that you are the amazingly nice person that you think you are but my demons and I know better and we do not accept your judgment.

I am going to continue to be the person I am while trying to find a way to be a happier person for MYSELF. I am not going to hide who I am so that you will be more comfortable. I am not going to be dishonest to myself or anyone one else. I will try to be the nice, but flawed, person that I know I am. I will not step into the darkness with you. I would rather live an honest life than one in which I have to hide myself away so that you won't have to see another person struggle with the life you take for granted.