Trying to find the light switch

When I was a kid there was some sort of unwritten and unspoken code in my house. Once the lights go out and we are in bed the lights do not come back on for any reason until morning. I have no idea when or why this policy started. I suspect it had something to do with three people living in tight quarters together and trying not to wake the sleeping, angry father. So I have always navigated around the house in the dark at night. Some nights my bladder is crankier than others and I make a lot of trips to the bathroom. All the while...trying to navigate sleeping dogs and a lurking cat. The point is...that even as an adult I don't turn on the light. Even though there is no one else to wake...I still walk around in the dark.

My life has been a fine example of this lately. I am still trying to find the humor in my Christmas holiday from hell but I'm just not there yet. Right before I was supposed to leave for my lovely week off in Colorado my darling cousin passed away. I would never leave without saying a final good bye to her sweet soul so I waited to leave until after her service. I got to Colorado on Tuesday. By Thursday they were issuing blizzard warnings so I had to come home on Friday. That is a LONG way to drive on such a quick turnaround.

I get home safe and sound and the Biblical deluge begins. By Saturday evening I had 4 feet of water in my basement. I was sitting here Saturday night minding my own business when I realized I smelled smoke and there was some smoky type substance floating in the air. I hopped up and tried to find a fire thinking I should do so BEFORE I called the fire department. Don't ask why...I have no clue. It finally dawned on me that it must be my furnace so I raced to shut if off and the smoke cleared.

Sunday my landlord brought over two more sump pumps and got the one in the basement working but it still took a couple of hours to get the water out. Meanwhile I am trying to keep the house warm with a space heater and the oven. As I went to bed Sunday night I plugged in my other little heater and it promptly blew a breaker. I have no idea where I set my flashlight down so I am walking around in the pitch black using my cell phone to try and find the flashlight. I find it and head outside into the pouring rain to check the breakers.

Because you see...for some brilliant reason unknown to me my breaker box is on the OUTSIDE of the house. I surf down the hill in the mud. Get to the box and cannot remember how to open it. I get it open but because of where it is on the house, the slope of the yard and my lack of height...I cannot tell which breaker it is so I just flip them all and try to make my way back up the slope sliding in the mud and rain. And no...I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to touch an electrical box in the pouring rain. I was not thinking at that moment.

So I piled on blankets and went to sleep on the couch. I use the term sleep very loosely because it was very chilly and miserable. Nothing can be fixed right away because so many people are in the shame shape or worse than me. So by Monday I make the executive decision to take the dogs to the vet and I move into a local hotel. I shuttle back and forth to take care of Kitten Face. By Wednesday I get my heat back on. But still no hot water. I moved back home because I had heat and well...I could figure out the hot water thing later.

All in all I was 9 days without hot water. My wonderful friend Catina not only allowed me to invade her sacred space and take a shower but she also made me a great dinner and sent me home with leftovers and a bag of cookies. I am very blessed to have countless people offer me their spare rooms and showers but I...of course...am an introverted...anxious mess...and put it off as long as possible. I really am better off by myself in times of stress.

Then to add to my joy I caught a cold. At this point I was having concerns that I had REALLY pissed off the universe in some way, shape or form. Things at my house are fairly back to normal...except for the fear it might collapse in on itself at any time. The basement is a little dodgy you see. So I have been struggling to find the light switch. The house in my heart is still dark you see. I try and pretend that things are all honky dory when they are not. I miss my cousin's joyful existence. I miss the comfort zone I used to have in my house. My head is pounding from my usual sinus issues. I am worried about my dog that cannot walk. I am worried about my 3 legged dog who likes to chase the cat around. I am stumbling around in the dark...trying not to step on anyone as I seek whatever it is I am seeking. So...if any of you know where the light switch is can you please flip it on for me because I am having trouble finding it on my own.

Jesus Loves Me

I have been pondering how to write this blog since last Thursday. That's when I got the call from my cousin Tommy that his sister Connie B. had just passed away. I sat here for a bit in shock. I think I called a couple of people. At one point I tried to tell myself that he didn't really call and tell me that. I am just imagining it...it can't be real. But alas...it was all too real.

You see...Connie B. was not of this Earth. She was an angel sent down here to try and teach us how to love one another. She may not have been perfect...she was my cousin after all and we can be a stubborn bunch when we want to be...but she was an angel none the less. Connie B. was different. She was born with a developmental disability. She did not look like the other kids and she struggled more than the other kids. Some people looked on her with pity, some with derision, some with fear and some with embarrassment. Those people were and are fools.

Because Connie B. was given a gift by God that we can only dream about being given. Connie was love. Plain and simple. She loved you without preconditions, without expectations, without guile, without any kind of subtlety at all. It did not matter if you deserved her love or not...you got it anyway. She accepted people into her life with open arms. If you were kind to her she loved you and she always remembered those who were kind to her.

She loved her family. She loved Elvis. She loved root beer and birthday cake. She loved kitties and baby dolls. She loved to sing and she loved to sing to you. My favorite memory of her will always be her calling me one day singing "Jesus Loves Me" at the top her voice. She was laughing and singing and she was so happy. I just sat in my car and cried at the beauty of such a gift. Oh...and she loved a party...especially if it was for her. She was in her element then...the belle of the ball.

Connie B. was 12 years older than me so we did not get to spend a lot of time together as kids. I tried to make up for that as I got older. When she became ill and had to move to the nursing home I had a tough time. I had a really difficult time forcing myself to go there. I could easily visit her in the hospital but the nursing home was a whole different ball game. The sadness, despair, pain and anxiety of that place would overwhelm me and I would have a panic attack if I stayed too long. So I tried to stay in touch but I am ashamed to say I did not go there as much as I should. I really tried but I just couldn't do it. I know Connie B. did not understand why it bothered me so much but I hope she can forgive me. My mind and heart were always with her and I always loved her even though my moral fortitude was weak. So I ask your forgiveness my sweet angel Connie B. I love you with my whole heart and I will miss you forever. The world is a little sadder and darker place for want of your light. Rest in peace my sweet Connie B.. I will always be your Karen Ann.

Sweet mystery of life...aw dammit!

This morning was a normal morning. I straggled out of bed half asleep and managed to make it to the bathroom in time. I wrestled and begged and pleaded with the dogs to let me put on my long pants and shoes before taking them outside. Fiona and Kitten Face are very well behaved...Owen and Baker not so much...it must be a boy thing. Owen is barking and running around being an impatient brat and Baker is trying to either stick his tongue half way to China in my ear, or worse yet, stick his cold nose in my butt crack...neither sensation is pleasing I might add.

So...I get them outside...and then inside...which might sound like no big deal but in my house it's like starting a polar expedition. There's a lot of dog toting going on in my house. I get them all fed and head over to the fridge to obtain that sweet elixir of life that will both kill me and sustain me. I love irony.

This morning I decide...remember...I am not fully awake at this point...to free my special friends from their "irksome confinement." You see...I was at Sam's and so I bought the ginormous case of Coke...after having successfully played Wal-Mart Jenga and removed it from the pallet. So I grab my handy dandy steak knife and try slicing it's protective plastic so that all my little friends might both breathe and get colder. The first swipe failed to free them and so I tried just a little harder...and that's when it happened!! I can hardly talk about it right now it was so traumatic. That's when...I STABBED one of them...eeeeeekkkkk....it's little life blood was going everywhere...it was HORRIBLE!!

Panic sat in as I tried to figure out which special friend I had stabbed. No it's not that one...dammit....it's getting everywhere...ah there he is...I am so sorry little buddy. I quickly hurried him over to the sink and stretched as far as my little arms would stretch to reach a glass. Then I opened him and poured his sweet contents into the glass so as to make his unfortunate death seem more worthwhile. I apologized as I tossed his little lifeless, Santa faced, body into the trash can.

I then turned to the prospect of clean up. After fortifying myself with a swig of his sweet sacrifice I then opened up the ginormous package of paper towels...I was at Sam's remember...and proceed to clean up the carnage and that's when I noticed something. Usually if I drop or spill something in the kitchen the dogs are all over it and I am using special words to try and get them to stop...but not this day...no...even they won't touch the Coke on the floor. Hmmm??? Should I...NO...don't be silly girl...take your sweet death cola over to the couch and enjoy. Who am I to cheapen his sacrifice? Rest in piece my darling!

Fragility

One of the worst things about depression and low self-esteem is the sense of fragility that creeps up on you at the worst times. Right now I have another one of my chronic sinus infections that is really kicking my butt and not even bothering to take names. This infection has coincided with some familial heritage questioning and my urge to adopt another dog and has created the perfect fire storm of fragility in my house.

You see...I am really bad at being impulsive...especially when it comes to adopting pets. All of my pets were sort of spur of the moment things. Fiona because I couldn't stand the quiet in the house after Scooter passed away. Sumner was abandoned and given to me by a friend. Kitten Face just showed up in Target parking lot and I just took one look at her and brought her home. Dibley was puppy mill rescue I could not resist. I went to meet Lester and brought him home. I took one look at Owen's sad eyes and brought him home. So it wasn't really shocking to me when having a casual conversation with my vet led me to the back room and a long-haired dachshund who had been hit by car and had to have one of his front legs amputated. I took one look at him and he wagged his little tail and kissed me and I immediately said "I'll think I will have him." I even picked out a name for Pete's sake.

Then the doubts came. So I asked friends for opinions and they sort of ran the gambit. All of them care about me and all of them made reasoned arguments but you see I am not thinking rationally most of the time. I am a very emotionally led creature.  In a totally irrational move on my part I don't really want them to give me adult, reasoned responses. I want them to say "go for it", "trust yourself and your heart", "don't be afraid", "even if it's the wrong decision don't worry about it because I got your back." I am thinking though that this is just really too much to ask. And so I cry and I change my mind and I mourn my decision and I beat myself up for days...even though the sinus infection is already doing that for me.

You see...deep down inside me is a very care-free spirit. Someone impulsive and creative and joyous and full of life but she has a hard time escaping. She values too much what others think of her and she can't bear the thought of being a disappointment. You see all she has ever wanted was to be loved and to love in return. So she recklessly throws her love around the pet world because she cannot trust the people world.

In my defense there is good reason for my behavior. With a few notable exceptions...you know who you are...everyone who I have ever placed my trust in has betrayed that trust. My parents, the Evil One, a good friend of 30 some odd years who quit talking me when I tried to set boundaries and take care of myself and the love of my life who just walked away one day.

I try to put on a good show and carry the weight of normalcy because I find that few people are willing or able to bear witness to my pain. It makes them very uncomfortable so I tuck it away and try to pretend that everything is okay. I carry the load because it is mine and I don't feel like I am worthy enough to burden others. We all have our problems right? But there comes a time...usually when I am physically ill when my defenses disappear and I become the fragile little girl who lives inside my heart. And I fall apart because I just can't do it anymore. I just can't be that strong person who keeps a stiff upper lip and hides her pain so that everyone else can feel comfortable. Not today.

So I sat on my couch feeling like crap and crying and watching hour after hour of a TV show about folks helping one another until I finally started to feel better both physically and mentally. So for now the super glue has been re-applied and maybe I can go out into the world and set aside my fragility for now and resume my façade. After all...everyone will feel more comfortable then and I can go on pretending for awhile longer.

Meanwhile the little girl will keep looking for the escape hatch to happiness.

Jewels of wisdom.

Fiona and I had a chat today. She is having such issues trying to walk with her bad hips and my knees are cranky so we had a moment where we just sat in the bedroom and chatted. The end result was that she thought I should share with you our collective bits of wisdom that we have accumulated over our many years. Think of it as advice from your osteo-challenged elders.

NEVER...EVER ask a woman if she is pregnant! Unless you hear the words come out of her mouth...do NOT ever assume that she is with child. Trust me...this is bad.

Do not trust the intentions of your cat. This is totally naïve and dangerous. They may look all innocent and benign but they are plotting your downfall.

Do not spit or toss a beer bottle out of the car window unless you are SURE that car window is actually down. I bet that old Nova of mine still has green glass in it.

Do not ever go to Wal-Mart on a Sunday at about noon. This is both reckless and infuriating.

If you are within two weeks of your monthly cycle DO NOT put on a pair of white pants. This is just asking for trouble. On a related note...always be sure you are putting those pads on properly because the resulting hair loss can be painful, embarrassing and just a bit gross.

If you insist upon getting totally shitfaced at the bar please have a friend around who can video tape your embarrassing behavior. This is a learning tool and it might go viral and make a lot of money. It's a toss up really. Plus...you really need to see what an ass you are making of yourself. It's both embarrassing and funny and a little sad.

When engaged in naked frolicking with one's special someone...Do not say really stupid things you think you should say at that moment. There is not enough blood flow for both areas and you are bound to say something either embarrassing or creepy...just grunt or moan or something.

Never try to flop back down on the couch to continue your nap if you are still too groggy to realize you are going to miss your target and then have to avoid squishing a dog on your way to the floor.

Oh...and that gurgling noise in your intestines...don't ignore that...

If you are driving around in the middle of nowhere and you hear either gunshots or banjos do not get out of the car for any reason...just drive.

Ladies...when you are putting on your bra in the morning be sure to get it right the first time. Because if you have to start over you will temporarily forget how to put it back on and will have to stand there for a few seconds to reprogram your brain. This gets worse as you get older. It's distressing to stand there staring at your bra like you have never seen one before in your life.

And most importantly...always find someone to love. It doesn't have to be a romantic partner. It can be an old, silly dog who has been with you through all your ups and downs and still sticks around to lick your legs when you are sad and who needs you now to care for her and love her as much as she has loved you all these years.

Intelligent life absent.

A lot of things today have inspired me to write tonight so bear with me because when I get a little frustrated I go all "Southern".

A friend of mine has been visiting Roswell, New Mexico the last few days. I have been there and I love that place. They embrace the whole alien culture and just go mad with it and I think that is awesome!! This fact combined with recent events in the news has caused me to reach a conclusion that has been rolling around in my head for some time now.

If there are intelligent life forms out there we have no worries that they will ever bother us here on Earth. I can see them in their space ships now analyzing our society and going "Oh HELL no!! We are not messing around with these idiots!" There is not enough intelligent life down there to waste our time with...I mean look at the upcoming elections...enough said...leave those Earthlings alone...they will destroy one another faster and we can save our lasers for more worthy foes.

First...you have the "responsible" gun owner who drops his weapon in the Cracker Barrel and shoots three people. Those poor people were probably minding their own business, playing the peg game or scarfing down their biscuits and gravy, pondering which moon pie to buy on the way out and this fool shoots them while yanking his drawers up. That is just wrong y'all.

Then you got the idiot in Mississippi who decides to blow up the local Wal-Mart because they won't sell Confederate memorabilia anymore. That's right...genius...that's a symbol of heritage...not hate. How many times did your mama drop you on your head any way?

Then you got Tom Jones all riled up about rumors of his racial composition so he's going to have DNA testing to see if he really is at least part African-American. Who the hell cares whether you are black or not man? It does not matter. You are still the same person with the same talent. I don't think any of those women are going to want their panties back if it turns out you are a brother. Just be yourself Tom!

Then you got the mid-level executive at Taco Bell slapping the hell out of his Uber driver for trying to make him exit the car because he is too drunk to give directions. Seriously son...you are taking "impaired" to a whole new level. Next time just lie down and wait for the police to pick your sorry ass up.

Then you got the 911 dispatcher in Colorado Springs who blew off the call about an armed man walking down the street. I don't know where this person comes from but around here that's a cause for alarm even if it is deer season.

Then you got the Kardashians...enough said right there.

There is a whole lot of craziness and stupidity flooding the airwaves right now. It's enough to make a girl want to move to the mountains and shoot at folks from her front porch. And then...one night the girl hears about a kitten stranded in a sewage drain and she can't go home until she at least tries to catch it and bring it to safety. So...at one of the busiest times of day, on one of the busiest streets in town, the girl manages to get her arthritic knees to allow her to get down on the pavement and crawl around on her stomach trying to reach this reluctant, terrified kitten. Then her friend joins her and they both try to help and then complete strangers start stopping to see if we need help. And just a little bit of the girls lost faith in humanity is restored. She couldn't reach the kitten but maybe one of the people who stopped will come back and be successful. One of ya'll needs to get that damn kitten!! Live long prosper ya'll!

Fluffy Angels

Today I would like to pay tribute to a very special Border Collie girl who recently passed over the Rainbow Bridge. Her name was Chloe Gypsy Kruger and I loved her very much.

Chloe was a special girl for so very many reasons. Chloe was rescued from a very abusive household where she was routinely beaten...so much so that it did permanent nerve damage to her hips. Because the abuse took place in a home that was also a daycare she associated children with her pain and was never fond of them. They terrified her actually...which was something we had in common.

Once in rescue Chloe opened up some and was adopted by one of my best friends...Julie.
She joined another wonderful Border Collie named Ricochet who quickly adopted Chloe as her puppy and protected her as such from then on.

There is so much wonderful variety amongst Border Collies and Chloe was the puff ball kind. She had a beautiful, long and fluffy coat which she wore very elegantly. She was so awesome to hug and smooch. You just could not look at that face and not want to put your arms around her fluffiness and hug and kiss her. She tolerated that pretty well all things considered. Aunt Karen got by with a lot.

Chloe had the most wonderful spirit about her and a devilish twinkle in her eye at times as well. When she was a puppy Julie had a guest at her house and Chloe promptly went into her room and grabbed a pair of dirty underwear and when Julie's friend yelled at her she turned around, dropped the underwear and just barked at her. That was Chloe.

When I met Julie I brought along some baggage in the form of a Corgi named Fiona. Chloe and Ricochet took Fiona under their wings of the herding fraternity. They accepted her with a lot of patience and grace considering her bull dozing obsession with the Frisbee. Chloe loved to see Fiona because she knew play time was about to erupt. We would go out back and Chloe would grab her Frisbee and proceed to herd Fiona around the yard. Ricochet would always beat Fiona to the Frisbee but would kindly leave it for her because she knew Fiona was going to mow her down to get to it. Their kindness and love for Fiona made me love them all the more. Fiona got by with a lot as well.

My favorite memory of them is two fold. One is the day we took all the dogs out to Kaplan Woods and we had quite the herd. Two border collies, a corgi, a Chihuahua and a cattle dog mix. It was a magical day that I will always remember. That kind of simple joy and happiness is a rare thing and I am so glad I got to spend it with my special friends both furry and fur-less. The other is of a walk at Leo Rudolph when Chloe and Ricochet ran on ahead because Fiona was holding up the train and proceeded to plunge into the pond. Unfortunately the water level was really low and by the time we got up there both dogs were covered in a black, shiny, oily, STINKY, mess. After I finished laughing we loaded everyone up and went to the dog wash. It was AWESOME!!

After Ricochet crossed over the bridge Julie adopted another sweet baby named Bella. Chloe stepped right into Ricochet's shoes and Bella was her baby. Fiona continued to just do her own thing because she has one focus and obsession...balls and Frisbees. I am still not sure how Julie managed to play ball so much in her living room with Fiona chasing and Chloe right behind her, sheep in mouth and butt in the air, herding that little brown dog around the room. It was amazing to watch.

When Julie opened her heart and home to Fiona and I, I grew to love Chloe even more. I worked nights and she and Bella would come into my room and sleep with me during the day. I remember waking up more than once with Chloe staring into my face panting at me. I felt so loved and so needed. They would guard me as I slept and I needed that and they knew it and I will be forever grateful to them both.

Chloe was so special because despite her past experience with humans she was able to move on and give and receive love from those who loved her. She was able to put the pain and fear aside and open her heart to another human being. She was a focused herding dog by day and a love bug by night. She had a twinkle in her eye that could not be denied. Chloe was up for life and up for adventure. She gave freely of herself and gave her mom consolation when her baby, Ricochet, crossed the bridge. And now Bella will do the same for her mom and when Julie decides to share her heart with another dog I am sure Bella will take her under her wing and she will be Bella's puppy. After all...she learned from the best. Rest in peace my beloved Chloe Bug and you keep those other furry angels in line up there. Thank you for accepting me into your life and allowing me to love you and to give me love in return. Your heart will be forever remembered by those who loved you.

Namaste my Bug a Doo