Jesus Loves Me

I have been pondering how to write this blog since last Thursday. That's when I got the call from my cousin Tommy that his sister Connie B. had just passed away. I sat here for a bit in shock. I think I called a couple of people. At one point I tried to tell myself that he didn't really call and tell me that. I am just imagining it...it can't be real. But alas...it was all too real.

You see...Connie B. was not of this Earth. She was an angel sent down here to try and teach us how to love one another. She may not have been perfect...she was my cousin after all and we can be a stubborn bunch when we want to be...but she was an angel none the less. Connie B. was different. She was born with a developmental disability. She did not look like the other kids and she struggled more than the other kids. Some people looked on her with pity, some with derision, some with fear and some with embarrassment. Those people were and are fools.

Because Connie B. was given a gift by God that we can only dream about being given. Connie was love. Plain and simple. She loved you without preconditions, without expectations, without guile, without any kind of subtlety at all. It did not matter if you deserved her love or not...you got it anyway. She accepted people into her life with open arms. If you were kind to her she loved you and she always remembered those who were kind to her.

She loved her family. She loved Elvis. She loved root beer and birthday cake. She loved kitties and baby dolls. She loved to sing and she loved to sing to you. My favorite memory of her will always be her calling me one day singing "Jesus Loves Me" at the top her voice. She was laughing and singing and she was so happy. I just sat in my car and cried at the beauty of such a gift. Oh...and she loved a party...especially if it was for her. She was in her element then...the belle of the ball.

Connie B. was 12 years older than me so we did not get to spend a lot of time together as kids. I tried to make up for that as I got older. When she became ill and had to move to the nursing home I had a tough time. I had a really difficult time forcing myself to go there. I could easily visit her in the hospital but the nursing home was a whole different ball game. The sadness, despair, pain and anxiety of that place would overwhelm me and I would have a panic attack if I stayed too long. So I tried to stay in touch but I am ashamed to say I did not go there as much as I should. I really tried but I just couldn't do it. I know Connie B. did not understand why it bothered me so much but I hope she can forgive me. My mind and heart were always with her and I always loved her even though my moral fortitude was weak. So I ask your forgiveness my sweet angel Connie B. I love you with my whole heart and I will miss you forever. The world is a little sadder and darker place for want of your light. Rest in peace my sweet Connie B.. I will always be your Karen Ann.