Past and Present...a Reunion

This weekend was my 35th high school reunion and I thought I might ramble on about that for a bit.

High school was such a strange time for me. I was still VERY shy and withdrawn inside my own head. What most of my classmates did not know was that my father was very emotionally abusive and my mother was very shut down and I had been the victim of sexual abuse by a neighbor so that by the time I got to high school I had the self-esteem of a gnat. I was also having issues with my sexuality but actually was NOT aware of the fact that that was the problem. I just thought I was weird and socially awkward. I knew that I did not have a clue how to be a girl but I did not exactly want to be a boy either. It was confusing and miserable at times.

That being said...I am constantly fascinated by the impact spending four years with this particular group of people has had on my life. I know I would not have survived public school. I would not have been able to deal with the larger classes and the pressure to conform. Not to mention the bullying that existed even back then. I would not have made it. I would have taken my anxiety and rolled myself up into a little ball and ran away.

I know that high school was not perfect but for the most part these kids that I shared the experience with made it possible for me to survive and come out on the other side. Whether they knew it or not their laughter and their personalities helped me navigate a very difficult time for me. After all these years the thing I remember most about them is the laughter. That's really it...that is the most important thing that has stuck with me. My class had a lot of big personalities who were, as confident as high school kids can be, at ease with that and really let their humor run rampant. Their laughter and their willingness to not ostracize that weird girl who never talked are what I remember the most.  They allowed me to just be me. 

I have not stayed in close touch with most of my classmates. Elaine and I have managed to stay friends since the second grade, which says a lot about her patience. But I find it so interesting that these people that I have not seen or spoken to in 15 years or more still mean so much to me. I care about their lives and their kids and their grandkids. Even though I find it so bizarre that we are old enough to have grown children and grandchildren. In my mind we are still the kids we once were.

We will all continue on with our lives and who knows when I will see or speak to many of them again. Social media does at least make keeping aware of their travels in life more possible but for the most part we will all continue on our separate ways. I just wanted to say thank you to all the members of the McAuley High School Class of 81'. You are all important to me and I hope you continue to prosper and enjoy your families and your lives and please keep the laughter alive.

Namaste

This is gonna' hurt

Bless me universe for I have sinned and this is my confession....

Well...I am not sure it's a sin but it feels bad anyway. And it is a confession...so here goes....

I am having a difficult time with the loss of my sweet baboo Fiona. I can't talk about...or write evidently...about her without bursting into tears.  It's been two months and my life seems a bit barren. There is a huge hole in my life. Fiona was not just my dog. She was my heart and soul. Despite our battles for supremacy and our "come to Jesus" meetings she was so much a part of my life that I am having trouble functioning as a reasonably normal human being.

We were together for 13 years and she was such an integral part of my being that I am having trouble with this huge hole in my life. And sadly it is having a bad effect on my relationship with the "boys". This is so hard to say but there are times when I just don't want them around. I don't have the patience for their normal behaviors. I have spoken harshly to them and I feel horrible about it. Today...when I took them outside to potty and they refused to do anything because they wanted to eat I said bad words. When they then proceeded to poop in the house (this is not unusual) I told them both that they were two steps from me taking them both to the Humane Society because I had had it with them.

This is not me. This is not normal behavior. I can't even say in all honesty right now that I love them because it seems all that left with Fiona. I feel numb where they are concerned. I am a vacant mother. I suck!!  I have post-Corgi depression I do believe. I am not sure what to do about this other than just hanging in there with the boys until I regain some sense of equilibrium. It's like my inner child is having a tantrum and it doesn't want any dog if it's not Fiona. If I can't hold her and kiss her until she growls and if I can't hear her howl and talk to me then I don't want any other dog around. It's not fair to the boys and I know that but it's how I feel. And if Baker chases Kitten Face ONE more time and if I have to chase Owen around the house ONE more time to pick him up and take him outside I am going to scream. I am losing it here people.

I am not sure why I am sharing my horrible thoughts with you other than they need to leave the dark recesses of my mind and enter the light. I would never hurt the boys and they are my responsibility so they will stay here with me. I just don't know how to reassemble our life without Fiona. I am just not up for it right now and I feel like shit about it. So please keep the boys in your thoughts and hearts as mother tries to find her feet and stops being such a shithead.

Cautionary Tales from the sauna

I have been debating with myself this evening about whether hell could possibly be this unpleasant? I mean...torturing of miscreant souls aside...is it a dry heat in hell or do your eyeballs fog over when you step in?  We here in the Garden of Gauld have been experiencing an unpleasant few weeks of ridiculous humidity. Heat is one thing but for the love of God this humidity is bad even for the seasoned folk around here. The effort required to keep those important spots on one's body dry so as to avoid the aforementioned skin unpleasantness is reaching def con 10 proportions. I mean you cannot change your bra 3 times in one day...no one has the time to do that much laundry. Not to mention the powder and the showering and more powdering. It's exhausting quite frankly.

While we are on the subject of skin irritation let me tell you about an creature so evil that we don't even try to mention its name for fear it and all its kin will come and feast on our unwary ankles and feet. Yes...I am talking about the dreaded chigger. I spent a lovely weekend with my cousin in Arkansas and his yard was mowed nicely and it was fairly dry but I tell you what...they got a whiff of untapped Missouri flesh and they went to town on my legs. If you have never had the joy of experiencing the piranha-like effect these minuscule insects have on the human flesh you are one lucky bastard! Nothing...and I mean NOTHING itches like chigger bites! Not even the worst poison ivy can compare with the dreaded grass monsters. You can't sleep because you wake up in middle of the night feeling like amputation might be a good option for you. You slather ANYTHING you can find on your bites trying to find relief. You contemplate whether slicing off a few layers of skin could be such a bad thing. At one point at the party I realized I was using the flat side of a steak knife to relieved the itching. I have NO IDEA how that did not end badly.

Tonight I stopped in at the Neighborhood Market to get some cat and dog food because I did not want Kitten Face to kill me in my sleep. I swung by the pharmacy because the Benadryl just was not doing the trick. And there...in the aisle was my savior...the pharmacist...and he actually asked me if he could help me. I just looked at him with my sad pitiful eyes and said CHIGGERS!! He said to hang on a sec. He disappeared behind his magic counter and reappeared with...could it be...sweet mother of Jesus..it is...Chiggerid!!!!! Chiggerid is a hard to find product these days but it the only thing I have ever found to give me relief. He special orders it for folks. OMG!!! God BLESS you pharmacist man. I have shellacked my legs to kingdom come and the itch has finally abated. Now I will not have to kill anyone because I am so miserably focused on the insanity raging on my legs.

So...if you find yourself pondering a trip to this region anytime soon I have some advice for you. Pack LOTS of bras and underwear. Buy the extra large bottle of baby powder. Buy the biggest can of OFF you can find and drench yourself in it before you approach any green, leafy surface and beg your pharmacist to order you some Chiggerid too! Check to see if you insurance will cover self-amputations while you are at it...just in case.  OR...maybe change your plans to somewhere a little less moist. I mean I love to see all of you but really...save yourselves!!

Aw...hell...I was in such a good mood

I am well educated. I am articulate. I have lived outside of the "ya'll" zone. But I am fixin' to get all Southern pissed off so hold onto your shorts.

I just spent the most enjoyable weekend in Searcy Arkansas with my cousin Tom (Sorry...I just can't do the George thing) and his family and friends. When people find out that I lived in Fayetteville for several years while in college they always ask me if I enjoyed it and I brag about it because I did enjoy living there. I really LIKE Arkansas. It is a beautiful state filled with kind, funny and hard working people. It's a nice place.

So...imagine my chagrin when driving home today and just outside Harrison and in Bellefontaine I see a billboard that says " Diversity is a code word for white genocide". WTF??? This set every one of my teeth on edge. I did see a rebuttal billboard a little ways down the road but they had already done pissed me off. The NERVE. Well...I guess at least we white folks are qualified to recognize genocide because we have been committing it for thousands of years now!! The hypocrisy is mind melting!

I have news for ya'll...it wasn't people of color who displaced and murdered thousands of Native Americans in this country so they could steal their land. It wasn't people of color who sent six million innocent people to death in Hitler's concentration camps. Do I really need to go on with more examples of atrocious and evil behavior by white folks?

I am sick and tired of the fear mongering and the cowardice and the misrepresentation and the lies. I have news for ya'll...white people are not disappearing into the mist never to be seen again...have you been to a Wal-Mart lately?? You are not being displaced. You are still in control of this country. You still get the best jobs that make the most money so you all just need to shut it and stop with the oh...poor...persecuted me bullshit. White people are the MOST privileged folks in the world.

I was just calming down from this first onslaught to my liberal sensibilities when up pops another one. "It's not racist to your love your own kind." SERIOSULY!! That is some ignorant bull shit right there. Your "kind". For the love of God...when is it ever going to sink in that we are ALL human beings...that is our "kind". This separating of one another by skin color, or religion, or sexuality, or nationality etc...is the worst kind of wrong. Do we really need to feel so important that we have to marginalize others so that we can feel special?

Last but not least I saw a display out in a front yard with the Confederate flag and a sign that said "Heritage...not hate". That is such a load of misinformed crap. That flag represents hate. You can not now claim it as a benign sign of you being a rebel and hating the government. The Klan wrapped themselves in it as they gleefully murdered innocent people. They waved it and still wave it at rallies. It is soaked in the blood and bile of hate. It is a dishonor to the men who fought with honor for a cause they believed in. Their battle flag was stolen from them and drug through the mud of hatred and violence. It cannot be made clean.

This may seem like an inappropriate time to go on my rant. It is the birthday of this country after all. I tried to just ignore my anger and roll my eyes and just let it roll away but I cannot in good conscience let a small-minded group of folks disparage an entire state that does not deserve the backwoods reputation it has with some folks outside the "zone". I have faith that the majority of the people that I know and love in Arkansas do not feel this way. I know they are good people. They do not deserve to be lumped in with folks who spew this kind of rubbish. This is not the Arkansas I know. Ya'll are far better than this so take that shit down and celebrate the true meaning of being a human being who also happens to be an American.