Road Trip Heaven

Yesterday I loaded myself into the car and took a MUCH needed road trip. I don't often have days like yesterday. It was PERFECT!!! And since you all have to put up with my whining and kvetching all the time I thought it was only fair that you get some of the good stuff too.

I headed out in the morning for Grand Gulf State Park near Thayer, Missouri. It is a good 3 1/2 hour drive from here not counting stops. The temps were perfect. I didn't have to turn the A/C on at all. I rolled the window down and let it roar. I turned up the stereo to compensate and sang lustily and off key all the way to and fro.

The first part of the drive was a bit boring because it's just highway and I have been down Highway 60 so often that there's not much to see. I do enjoy the occasional Amish/Mennonite buggy. It looks like such a peaceful way to travel...at least I imagine it is if the cars will cooperate.

I had not been to West Plains since I was about 15 or so. I attended church camp near there one summer. I saw the sign for the camp and felt a twinge of nostalgia. That week started out rough but over all it was a good experience. I wonder what all those girls in my cabin are doing now. I kept up with some of them for awhile but we all drifted apart as you do. I hope they have had most excellent lives.

I found the park and was surprised at how crowded the parking lot area was. There did not seem to be a commensurate number of people on the trails. They must have been off down in the hole. After taking the less scenic path...I always pick the wrong one by the way...I finally made it to the more interesting area. It is a fascinating formation. The "gulf" or canyon was made by the collapse of a cave roof umpteen years ago. I think it would be more interesting in the winter when there is less foliage and you can see more clearly.

I contemplated not venturing down all those stairs and then I thought...hell...what's the point of driving all this way Karen if you don't. So...off I went. It was easier than I thought since they had thoughtfully made a lot of landings to stop on. I made it to the bottom in a reasonable amount of time for someone of my years and girth. It was really beautiful down there. The waterfall was not running much because we have not had much rain of late but I could imagine how beautiful it would be with more runoff. Still...I stood there by myself and took it all in and thought...yes...this is where faeries live. I know I am a grown ass woman but I believe they can exist so there. I would love to go down into the actual canyon next time but that requires you go off trial and climb down a bit and I didn't fell safe doing that by myself.

I stood there for a bit just taking it in and then noticed the butterflies!!! It was butterfly central down there. There was a whole butterfly clan down there at the bottom of the steps. They were the big, beautiful blue ones. I need to look up their official names but they were magnificent and in such a mood to be still for pictures. Maybe they were the faeries in butterfly form? What a nice thought. It was one of those once in a lifetime moments and I will never forget it.

Then I began the process of going back up the stairs. My knees were amazingly cooperative. Yes...they crunched the whole way...but they let me walk up like a normal human being instead of one step at a time. I made it to the top with several little rest stops. I must say by the time I made it the 70 feet back up my heart had something to say about it. I sat down by the flagpole and listened to it complain. It went something like this..."OMG!!!...WHAT THE FUCK was that????...we don't do that...that was exercise...have you lost your mind...OMG...pound...pound...I'm just leaving this chest if you are going to abuse me like this...pound...pound...SHIT...and so on and so on"

It did finally get over itself and we made it back to the car. I plugged everything back up and headed out...reminding myself that I could reward myself with a stop at the Dairy Queen in West Plains...YES!!! I picked up my Oreo Blizzard as my reward and it was awesome! I know it kind of defeats the purpose to go and have a nice hike and then have ice cream but at my age those sort of rules go out the window. Incentive is the name of the game right now. It was yummy and I have no remorse.

I decided to head back a different and more scenic route. Wise choice! Have I mentioned that I LOVE to drive? Well I do. The car and I are one. My car is my freedom. It takes me to new places...it gets me outside in the fresh air and sunshine...it allows me to sing freely and loudly...just the act of driving calms and refreshes me. I may be physically tired after a long trip but I NEED the expression that driving gives me. It feeds my soul. I digress...anyway...I headed back this new way and it was interesting until I got to highway 125 and then it got cosmic.

OMG!!! it was the perfect experience. The windows were down...it was cool...the music was loud...the pavement was dry...it wound through the Mark Twain National Forest...the road was dappled with sun and shade...it was astoundingly curvy without being TOO curvy. The car and I wove through the curves as if we were dancing. It was cosmic. It was magical. It was a good thing I didn't have a passenger as they may have not embraced my passion for taking the curves quite so much. I think I may have had a big O half way up the road...yes...it was that awesome. I will never forget it. I must do it again sometime.

To sum it all up...I had the most awesome...perfect day and quite frankly I deserved it. It has been a rough August. I needed this break really badly. Hopefully I will use the rest of my holiday weekend wisely and be all refreshed to get ready for my vacation adventure coming up in a couple of weeks. I am a happy camper!! Enjoy it while it last my friends!!

Sometimes the darkness wins.

A friend commented today that I have been quiet and wanted to know if I was okay. This blog is by way of a back-handed apology for not texting her back. I am sorry. I did not have the emotional energy to text all of what's been going on.

It's been a rough three weeks or so with those little demons I live with and I am not talking about the dogs. I did pretty well off and on with fighting the darkness with my thyroid cancer scare. I did mostly okay...except for the day where I was bequeathing all my earthly possessions in my mind. I survived that and although I am having some issues with my thyroid...vis a vis...swallowing and blitzing anxiety attacks...I was doing okay. I was just beginning to come back out of the weird potential death zone when they called me for jury duty.

I dutifully showed up and wound up getting picked to be the first alternate and was looking at three days off of work. I do get paid for that time so it sounds like it would be a nice diversion right? No...it was a capital murder case. It started on Wednesday and wound up Friday morning in a mistrial for one of the stupidest reasons known to man. I will not wander into all that...let's just leave it at I was well and truly pissed off about the mistrial. It was a waste of time and money.

But aside from being pissed off about the mistrial it was a very disturbing case. I will not get into gory details but let me just say that the crime scene photos on the big screen TV are not going to leave my memory...EVER!! It was very upsetting and disturbing on every level you can think of and it's left me a little bit shaken. It also opened the rabbit hole wide and I dived in for a bit. All I could think about for a day or two was a woman I know who could easily wind up in the same position as this poor victim someday because she has no one to really look out for her and she does put herself in vulnerable places. It's been hard.

I was just starting to calm down from my mistrial hissy fit when I went up front at work and was glancing at the paper and just happened to see an article detailing how a professor of mine from my Master's program had been murdered in his home Wednesday and his wife wounded. I was just shocked that this could happen. He was a good professor and he was very kind to me when mom's illness and death landed right in the middle of my trying to finish up my degree and graduate. I just don't understand the senseless evil of such an act. Needless to say this opened up the rabbit hole into something more resembling a rabbit canyon.

So I spent a quiet weekend trying to re-boot and not doing a really good job at it. I have begun to crawl out into the light a bit today. It's getting better but I am just limiting my human contact for a bit. Withdrawing into myself to try and get out of my own way. Interacting with folks at work is about all I can muster right now. So...if you don't hear from me and I seem quiet...I really am okay. I am just trying to make sense of a lot of things that have been thrown my way these past few weeks. I will process it all and I will be back but for now I just have to sit with myself and find my center again. See you all soon!!

Surly Girl Explained

Some of you may have noticed that I have not been my usual, jovial, snarky self lately. Well I cannot excuse my behavior but I will try to explain it a bit.

I have been out of sorts for about 3 weeks now due to some health issues. As a result I have been erratic, moody, pre-occupied, angry, absent and okay...all within the same 15 minute time frame sometimes. Mostly...right now I am pre-occupied and I just don't have a lot of emotional energy to give folks.

Here's the deal...I went to a new GP and he did the routine blood work. He said my thyroid was elevated by one point over the high so he wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure "there was nothing growing on it." Well...turns out my thyroid is enlarged and I have multiple nodules on both sides. Some of them are "suspicious looking". So I had to sit with this for 2 weeks until they could run a thyroid uptake scan. I took a radioactive iodine pill and let it absorb for 24 hours and then they measured the rate the thyroid took up the iodine in order to produce the hormone.

Evidently my thyroid is an overachiever because it came back at 40 whereas it's usually in the 20s. This means it is showing hyperactive. Then they did 3 ten minutes scans/x-rays. On the upside the high absorption rate means it should give them a really good look at the

thyroid and the nodules. On the down side...and this is where the moodiness comes in...some of the nodules might be cancerous. We don't know yet for sure. Hopefully I will know something tomorrow.

So that's it really...I have been struggling with whether to wait to post anything until I know for sure but folks are wondering. I am out of sorts because I don't know if I have thyroid cancer or not and that's making me a bit erratic. I am hoping the odds are in my favor because thyroid cancer is rare but unitl they tell me something the being in limbo is a bit stressful to say the least.

So I apologize if I have been a bit cranky with anyone. I am trying not to be but some days I am just holding it together with masking tape. You will all have to bear with me until I process my way through this news and try to make sense of where I go from here. Now...my eyeballs are getting fuzzy so I must say goodnight.

Past and Present...a Reunion

This weekend was my 35th high school reunion and I thought I might ramble on about that for a bit.

High school was such a strange time for me. I was still VERY shy and withdrawn inside my own head. What most of my classmates did not know was that my father was very emotionally abusive and my mother was very shut down and I had been the victim of sexual abuse by a neighbor so that by the time I got to high school I had the self-esteem of a gnat. I was also having issues with my sexuality but actually was NOT aware of the fact that that was the problem. I just thought I was weird and socially awkward. I knew that I did not have a clue how to be a girl but I did not exactly want to be a boy either. It was confusing and miserable at times.

That being said...I am constantly fascinated by the impact spending four years with this particular group of people has had on my life. I know I would not have survived public school. I would not have been able to deal with the larger classes and the pressure to conform. Not to mention the bullying that existed even back then. I would not have made it. I would have taken my anxiety and rolled myself up into a little ball and ran away.

I know that high school was not perfect but for the most part these kids that I shared the experience with made it possible for me to survive and come out on the other side. Whether they knew it or not their laughter and their personalities helped me navigate a very difficult time for me. After all these years the thing I remember most about them is the laughter. That's really it...that is the most important thing that has stuck with me. My class had a lot of big personalities who were, as confident as high school kids can be, at ease with that and really let their humor run rampant. Their laughter and their willingness to not ostracize that weird girl who never talked are what I remember the most.  They allowed me to just be me. 

I have not stayed in close touch with most of my classmates. Elaine and I have managed to stay friends since the second grade, which says a lot about her patience. But I find it so interesting that these people that I have not seen or spoken to in 15 years or more still mean so much to me. I care about their lives and their kids and their grandkids. Even though I find it so bizarre that we are old enough to have grown children and grandchildren. In my mind we are still the kids we once were.

We will all continue on with our lives and who knows when I will see or speak to many of them again. Social media does at least make keeping aware of their travels in life more possible but for the most part we will all continue on our separate ways. I just wanted to say thank you to all the members of the McAuley High School Class of 81'. You are all important to me and I hope you continue to prosper and enjoy your families and your lives and please keep the laughter alive.

Namaste

This is gonna' hurt

Bless me universe for I have sinned and this is my confession....

Well...I am not sure it's a sin but it feels bad anyway. And it is a confession...so here goes....

I am having a difficult time with the loss of my sweet baboo Fiona. I can't talk about...or write evidently...about her without bursting into tears.  It's been two months and my life seems a bit barren. There is a huge hole in my life. Fiona was not just my dog. She was my heart and soul. Despite our battles for supremacy and our "come to Jesus" meetings she was so much a part of my life that I am having trouble functioning as a reasonably normal human being.

We were together for 13 years and she was such an integral part of my being that I am having trouble with this huge hole in my life. And sadly it is having a bad effect on my relationship with the "boys". This is so hard to say but there are times when I just don't want them around. I don't have the patience for their normal behaviors. I have spoken harshly to them and I feel horrible about it. Today...when I took them outside to potty and they refused to do anything because they wanted to eat I said bad words. When they then proceeded to poop in the house (this is not unusual) I told them both that they were two steps from me taking them both to the Humane Society because I had had it with them.

This is not me. This is not normal behavior. I can't even say in all honesty right now that I love them because it seems all that left with Fiona. I feel numb where they are concerned. I am a vacant mother. I suck!!  I have post-Corgi depression I do believe. I am not sure what to do about this other than just hanging in there with the boys until I regain some sense of equilibrium. It's like my inner child is having a tantrum and it doesn't want any dog if it's not Fiona. If I can't hold her and kiss her until she growls and if I can't hear her howl and talk to me then I don't want any other dog around. It's not fair to the boys and I know that but it's how I feel. And if Baker chases Kitten Face ONE more time and if I have to chase Owen around the house ONE more time to pick him up and take him outside I am going to scream. I am losing it here people.

I am not sure why I am sharing my horrible thoughts with you other than they need to leave the dark recesses of my mind and enter the light. I would never hurt the boys and they are my responsibility so they will stay here with me. I just don't know how to reassemble our life without Fiona. I am just not up for it right now and I feel like shit about it. So please keep the boys in your thoughts and hearts as mother tries to find her feet and stops being such a shithead.

Cautionary Tales from the sauna

I have been debating with myself this evening about whether hell could possibly be this unpleasant? I mean...torturing of miscreant souls aside...is it a dry heat in hell or do your eyeballs fog over when you step in?  We here in the Garden of Gauld have been experiencing an unpleasant few weeks of ridiculous humidity. Heat is one thing but for the love of God this humidity is bad even for the seasoned folk around here. The effort required to keep those important spots on one's body dry so as to avoid the aforementioned skin unpleasantness is reaching def con 10 proportions. I mean you cannot change your bra 3 times in one day...no one has the time to do that much laundry. Not to mention the powder and the showering and more powdering. It's exhausting quite frankly.

While we are on the subject of skin irritation let me tell you about an creature so evil that we don't even try to mention its name for fear it and all its kin will come and feast on our unwary ankles and feet. Yes...I am talking about the dreaded chigger. I spent a lovely weekend with my cousin in Arkansas and his yard was mowed nicely and it was fairly dry but I tell you what...they got a whiff of untapped Missouri flesh and they went to town on my legs. If you have never had the joy of experiencing the piranha-like effect these minuscule insects have on the human flesh you are one lucky bastard! Nothing...and I mean NOTHING itches like chigger bites! Not even the worst poison ivy can compare with the dreaded grass monsters. You can't sleep because you wake up in middle of the night feeling like amputation might be a good option for you. You slather ANYTHING you can find on your bites trying to find relief. You contemplate whether slicing off a few layers of skin could be such a bad thing. At one point at the party I realized I was using the flat side of a steak knife to relieved the itching. I have NO IDEA how that did not end badly.

Tonight I stopped in at the Neighborhood Market to get some cat and dog food because I did not want Kitten Face to kill me in my sleep. I swung by the pharmacy because the Benadryl just was not doing the trick. And there...in the aisle was my savior...the pharmacist...and he actually asked me if he could help me. I just looked at him with my sad pitiful eyes and said CHIGGERS!! He said to hang on a sec. He disappeared behind his magic counter and reappeared with...could it be...sweet mother of Jesus..it is...Chiggerid!!!!! Chiggerid is a hard to find product these days but it the only thing I have ever found to give me relief. He special orders it for folks. OMG!!! God BLESS you pharmacist man. I have shellacked my legs to kingdom come and the itch has finally abated. Now I will not have to kill anyone because I am so miserably focused on the insanity raging on my legs.

So...if you find yourself pondering a trip to this region anytime soon I have some advice for you. Pack LOTS of bras and underwear. Buy the extra large bottle of baby powder. Buy the biggest can of OFF you can find and drench yourself in it before you approach any green, leafy surface and beg your pharmacist to order you some Chiggerid too! Check to see if you insurance will cover self-amputations while you are at it...just in case.  OR...maybe change your plans to somewhere a little less moist. I mean I love to see all of you but really...save yourselves!!

Aw...hell...I was in such a good mood

I am well educated. I am articulate. I have lived outside of the "ya'll" zone. But I am fixin' to get all Southern pissed off so hold onto your shorts.

I just spent the most enjoyable weekend in Searcy Arkansas with my cousin Tom (Sorry...I just can't do the George thing) and his family and friends. When people find out that I lived in Fayetteville for several years while in college they always ask me if I enjoyed it and I brag about it because I did enjoy living there. I really LIKE Arkansas. It is a beautiful state filled with kind, funny and hard working people. It's a nice place.

So...imagine my chagrin when driving home today and just outside Harrison and in Bellefontaine I see a billboard that says " Diversity is a code word for white genocide". WTF??? This set every one of my teeth on edge. I did see a rebuttal billboard a little ways down the road but they had already done pissed me off. The NERVE. Well...I guess at least we white folks are qualified to recognize genocide because we have been committing it for thousands of years now!! The hypocrisy is mind melting!

I have news for ya'll...it wasn't people of color who displaced and murdered thousands of Native Americans in this country so they could steal their land. It wasn't people of color who sent six million innocent people to death in Hitler's concentration camps. Do I really need to go on with more examples of atrocious and evil behavior by white folks?

I am sick and tired of the fear mongering and the cowardice and the misrepresentation and the lies. I have news for ya'll...white people are not disappearing into the mist never to be seen again...have you been to a Wal-Mart lately?? You are not being displaced. You are still in control of this country. You still get the best jobs that make the most money so you all just need to shut it and stop with the oh...poor...persecuted me bullshit. White people are the MOST privileged folks in the world.

I was just calming down from this first onslaught to my liberal sensibilities when up pops another one. "It's not racist to your love your own kind." SERIOSULY!! That is some ignorant bull shit right there. Your "kind". For the love of God...when is it ever going to sink in that we are ALL human beings...that is our "kind". This separating of one another by skin color, or religion, or sexuality, or nationality etc...is the worst kind of wrong. Do we really need to feel so important that we have to marginalize others so that we can feel special?

Last but not least I saw a display out in a front yard with the Confederate flag and a sign that said "Heritage...not hate". That is such a load of misinformed crap. That flag represents hate. You can not now claim it as a benign sign of you being a rebel and hating the government. The Klan wrapped themselves in it as they gleefully murdered innocent people. They waved it and still wave it at rallies. It is soaked in the blood and bile of hate. It is a dishonor to the men who fought with honor for a cause they believed in. Their battle flag was stolen from them and drug through the mud of hatred and violence. It cannot be made clean.

This may seem like an inappropriate time to go on my rant. It is the birthday of this country after all. I tried to just ignore my anger and roll my eyes and just let it roll away but I cannot in good conscience let a small-minded group of folks disparage an entire state that does not deserve the backwoods reputation it has with some folks outside the "zone". I have faith that the majority of the people that I know and love in Arkansas do not feel this way. I know they are good people. They do not deserve to be lumped in with folks who spew this kind of rubbish. This is not the Arkansas I know. Ya'll are far better than this so take that shit down and celebrate the true meaning of being a human being who also happens to be an American.