Vacationing in Never Never Land

Have you ever had one of those days where you start out at point A thinking this is the way your day will go and then all of sudden you are sitting on your couch at home thinking how the hell did I get to point B?

It started out as normal mornings do. I snoozed my phone 3 or so times. I finally got up and staggered to the bathroom to pee. Let Baker outside. Chased Owen around the house for a lap or two until he stopped and I put him outside. Came back in and took a swig of the only thing that keeps me sane (Coke...as in cola). Went to the spare bedroom and retrieved Kitten Face from Narnia (her armoire drawer) and carried her majesty to the kitchen. Fed the cat...brought in the dogs...fed the dogs. Staggered back to the couch to sacrifice my moral fiber by turning on the internet. Finally realize I HAVE to get in the shower. Get in the shower...miss a text from my boss...make it to work on time. Head out on my errands. Get part of the way done...check my phone...see the text and voicemail on my phone. Think to myself...oh shit!!!

Then it happens...and I don't even know when it started...or what caused it...but my hormones started swinging like Tarzan on meth. I was angry that it has rained every day for the last 6 years (okay...I know I am exaggerating but that's what it feels like). I was angry at that inconsiderate person who parked like a jackass. I was mad at my doctor's office again. I wanted to stuff that guy's cell phone up his ass if he didn't drive the damn car and stay in his own lane. Get the drift...I was a trifle miffed. I wanted to go home...grab a duffle bag and disappear into the wilderness where the bears could eat me in peace and quiet. At least then there would be no people to piss me off!! Sure...I would be dead but I would helping the environment right?

This goes on for a bit and then I head to the store at lunch because I could no longer look Kitten Face in the eye and tell her I still had no canned food for her. Forget that her bowl is overflowing with dry food just for a sec. So I trot on down to get some essentials like more Coke, Cheetos, bread, cat fud, softer dog treats for Owen, and some other stuff that I thought I needed at the time. Still a little miffed...contemplated tripping the kids that were racing through the store trying to dismantle it while mom checked her FB page.  Then I got to the self-checkout register and the nice, older woman in front of me was clearly having a day as well. She had some lunch, a dessert and a four pack of wine.

The self-checkout thing of course dings her because she has wine. They should mount a camera there so they can see us and automatically judge by our frown lines whether we are old enough to drink or not. She is VERY apologetic. I told her it was fine and it was. She seemed very worried that I might become snippy or angry with her and I assured her everything was okay. And my mood swung completely the other way. I wasn't mad anymore. It was gone. I was more sad that this is what we have become. We now have to worry the person behind us in line is going to go postal over a two minute delay.

I get back to work and I swing into sarcastic unbelieving land. This would be because I got on the internet again to amuse myself over the last 15 minutes of my lunch. I was astounded by the fact that Johnny Manziel posting a photo of him getting a tattoo on a plane seemed more important than an active shooter on the campus of UCLA. I start laughing at the fact that North Korea thinks Donald Trump would be a good president. I am amazed that an idiot would get that close to a ginormous alligator as it strolls across the golf course. Is it just me or did that look fake? Anyway...an alligator can turn and charge you at some ungodly speed. That bunker is not going to save your silly ass.

I am wondering what the point is of Josh Duggar and his wife staying married if she feels it's important to ban him from having a cell phone? Really? Trust issues? Have some self-respect and divorce the man and move on. Now a blind man is suing Mc Donald's for denying him drive-thru service?? Was he driving? This is like the braille on the drive-thru ATMs...I just find it disturbing. Evidently a gentleman is upset because McDonald's has a policy against serving people who walk up to their windows at night. God forbid they should not want to be robbed. So...we should sue because a company's safety policy inconveniences you. REALLY?? Perchance you should head to the restaurant before the they close the dining room? God forbid you have to find a friend to take your through the drive-thru. For the love of GOD...make it stop!!!!

I manage to get back to work and finish out my day. Still teetering between cranky and sarcastic and entertained but mostly feeling festive and goofy. I get home and am sitting on my couch feeling all warm and fuzzy and goofy and silly and happy and am thinking how in the hell did I get to point B? I am messing with the dogs and laughing at the internet and all is right with the world.

Oh look a chicken....

Will wonders never cease

Okay...hang onto your shorts people! I have had an AWESOME day!!! I know...right...weird! No depressive episodes, no weird brain farts from meds, no nasty aches and pains. Today...everything went right...I know it won't last but it feels awesome right now.

I slept in and then got up and took care of the boys and had some breakfast. Then I got dressed and headed out for my annual cemetery tour. I had my camera with me of course so there were a lot of stops and distractions along the way. I had finished out at St. Agnes and was wandering my way toward Pulaskifield when my phone rang. It was my cousin Jim and after about 3 tries we found a spot where I had enough bars on the phone to carry on an actual conversation. My first thought, I admit, was shit, who died? As it happened he was having a small family get together and remembered that I would probably be coming out to decorate at Pulaskifield and he invited me to come visit and eat.

Shockingly enough...I agreed. I know...I know...I do love my family and it makes me so happy when they remember me. It's not their fault really...we just have never been able to spend a lot of time together. People have families and grandbabies and are busy and you just forget. It's not a big deal. And let's face it...sigh...I am a bit of a hermit. I do tend to spend a lot of time alone and actually seek that time alone. I love people but deep down I am still that shy little girl I have always been and it's just easier for me to enjoy my own company because of the emotional energy required for me to interact with folks.

So...I willingly set aside my OCD...and stopped mid-cemetery tour to spend time with my cousin and his wife and their sons and their children. We missed you Mel. I even got to see my Aunt whom I have not seen in a couple of years. That's my fault really...I know I need to visit her but there is no way to do that without spending hours and hours there and I just can't bring myself to do it. My bad. I had a lovely visit and got to watch the kids be kids and had a lovely supper. It was so nice to be out in the country just relaxing. I did find myself uttering a phrase that seemed really foreign to me. One of the grandkids asked me..."Who are you?" That's a fair question...she doesn't see me very often. I replied "I am your grandfather's cousin." Is it just me or does that sound weird? I never thought I would utter that phrase. God...I am old.

I then resumed my tour. Wandered the long way back toward Carthage taking a lot of pictures along the way and thinking crap...I need to get this over with and get home to the dogs...but it's such a lovely day. I'll wander over here for a bit...crap...it's getting late. I finally finished up and got all my flowers delivered. Came home...took the dogs out...extracted Kitten Face from the armoire drawer so she could eat...fed the dogs...scarfed down a double cheeseburger from Sonic...took a shower and am now relaxing on the couch knowing I do not have to get up and go to work tomorrow...YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! It has been an awesome day!! Enjoy it before the whining begins anew.

Fy nghalon i

So for a week now I have been trying to find the emotional energy and strength to blog about Fiona. It has been difficult to summon up the courage to do so because to write about her will bring up all those nasty feelings of grief I have been stuffing away. So be patient with me as I try to honor her spirit.

13 years ago we lost our beloved Schnauzer Scooter to old age. We swore we were not going to get another dog right away. We lasted a week! We could not stand the silence in the house. The lack of toenails clicking away on the laminate was deafening. We went to look at a Schnauzer puppy but something did not feel right. She could never be Scooter. I had been reading the "Sneaky Pie" mystery series by Rita Mae Brown and I loved the way she wrote about the spirit of the Corgi Tucker in her books. I found a Corgi breeder in Western Minnesota and off we went to visit.

There we met Fiona and her brother racing around the living room playing with a little boy. We fell in love with her ears and her little short legs and her expressive eyes. We were SO naïve. So all the way home...I did not realize that the town was almost on the South Dakota border...we discussed a name for her and she did not like the sun shining on her so she crawled up and laid across my shoulders the entire way home. Somewhere along the way we decided to name her Fiona. Yes, she was named after the Lovely Princess Fiona from Shrek. Little did we know at the time that Fiona would be the PERFECT name for her.

She was SO freaking cute!!! She had one ear up and one ear down until it popped up. She was adorable and early on we realized she had a lot of energy for such a little dog. She was a turbo in a very compact frame. She was obsessed with tennis balls and Frisbees and we spent much of her puppy months trying to wear her out. It was exhausting...for us! At some point I realized she needed more socialization and an outlet for her energy and I discovered a doggie day care in our town.

That was the BEST phone call I ever made. Not only did I find the perfect place for Fiona to be Fiona but I made a friend for life in Candace. I am not sure Candace knows just how much she taught me about dogs and what an impact she has had on my life. She also helped me and Fiona to reach some sort of détente. Remember when I said that Fiona was the PERFECT name for her...I was not joking. When she got close to her terrible twos we had quite the crisis. We were both determined to be the boss and neither were willing to budge on the subject. We had a lot of spectacular rows before Candace taught me a calmer and more civilized way to deal with Fiona's Elvis lip and defiant nature. We reached a reluctant truce and although we did have to have periodic "Come to Jesus" meetings over the years we both managed to live through it.

I also met one of my best friends at day care. At first we did not know one another's name. I was Fiona's human and she was Chole and Ricochet's mom. We did manage to get to know one another and through day care and work we got to know one another and Fiona LOVED Aunt Julie. Aunt Julie...being more experienced with herding dogs...got her. Aunt Julie understood and Fiona was devoted to her. Fiona spent so many joyous hours playing with her Border Collies. Refusing to admit when she was exhausted. Chasing that Frisbee and trying to take poor Ricochet's legs out from under her. Fiona was in heaven!! Those were some of best times of my life. Sitting in Julie's back yard watching the dogs be dogs and talking about everything under the sun. I treasure those memories.

Now she is gone. It doesn't seem right that her little spirit and energy are gone from this world. Yes...she could be an absolute turd but she was my turd. We butted heads constantly but I loved her so much. I would have given anything to be able to take away all her pain. For the last year of her life she could not walk anymore. She would push herself along with the one hip and drag the other. It was incredibly hard to watch. She graciously tolerated...well sometimes not so graciously...me carrying her around and walking her in her stroller. But ultimately it was lack of dignity combined with the increasing lack of mobility that forced me to let her go. She was ready even though I was not. The hardest thing I have ever had to do...other than holding my mother's hand as she left this world...is to know when to let my fur babies go. To put aside my feelings and to do what is right for them. To honor their life and their dignity by helping them to move on.

So...Fiona is home with me again. Her presence is less vocal but it is here none the less. When I contemplated what I wanted on her plaque I depeneded on the internet for assistance so I want to apologize to Welsh speakers everywhere if I got it wrong. According to the Welsh/English dictionary, fy nghalon i means my heart. Fiona you were my heart. You brought so much joy and happiness to my life. You made me nuts sometimes as I am sure I did you but you were my companion and my friend. When I was in the depths of my most horrible grief you would come and look at me and lick my legs and hands and let me know that it was going to be okay. I miss your punkin' butt, your stubby little legs, your expressive eyes and your stubborn, intelligent and sensitive soul. I love you Fiona Louise and for the rest of my days I will feel your absence in my heart and in my home.

It's a mess in here!!

Yes folks it's a mess in my head tonight. My brain is a little bit like the nest of these squirrels which prompted me to share them with you. I know they are rodents and have fleas and such but I have always admired squirrels. Except for their need to be smashed by cars at any given moment they are really quite resilient. They can figure out any squirrel-proof bird feeder I have ever seen. Our squirrels in Arkansas would stand at the base of the bird feeder pole and look into the house reminding us that if we did not feed them they would capture the bird castle and all its seed. They would even come up on the deck and peer into the French doors. Cheeky little bastards! And I think it is this cheek that I like. They are saucy, feisty, and barky and who doesn't like that in a squirrel?

I am trying out a new strategy this week. My depression has been bad lately. Not...I am going to throw myself off a bridge bad but hard to function none the less. I have felt fragile...like one more thing was going to send me to the ward. If that happens, by the way, I expect you all to visit me and bring doughnuts! Depression is the silent disease...or not so silent in my case because I have no problem talking about it with others. The problem is that I have a problem in my relationship with my depression. I will become very quiet as I carry on my silent fight with it. I will tell it to go the fuck away!! It has no business here but it does not listen. I fight it and I fight it and I refuse to let it win most days. But you know what...that takes a toll on my emotional and mental energy.

I have always known that I have depression. I did not always know what to call it but I always knew it was there. One day I will be fairly perky and in a good mood for no good reason...even hyper and the next day I will wake up and...good feeling gone now. I argue with myself. I criticize myself. I tell myself all of the reasons why I have no right to feel depressed. Because you see...that is the evil of depression...the secret brain illness that no one can see. Unless you are a sobbing heap on the couch with the Oreos and the ice cream. There is no good reason for it sometimes...it just is. It is always there with you waiting to rear its ugly little head. Lurking behind your façade that you show to others so you don't make them uncomfortable.

Oh look a chicken...I am wandering off topic...AGAIN! So...my strategy this week has been to try and just live with the monster in my head. Because I will talk about my depression and put a happy face on it but I have never wanted to admit that I can't control it. I have never wanted to admit to myself that I can not defeat it with logic. I have never wanted to admit that I have this flaw that I cannot fix. I lie to myself and I try to explain it to others so that they will understand but it's hard to convince others when you cannot convince yourself.

My depression sucks you all and I have NO CONTROL over it. Dammit...it's true. Every day is a battle to get out of bed and get to work. Every day I try to put on a brave face no matter how crappy I feel...and it's not a good face let me tell you...because I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve...so people who know me well can tell I am struggling but they have no idea how bad it really is because I bury it in my lie. So this week I have been working on just accepting my depression for what it is. I have been embracing the suckiness so to speak. I have been telling myself...okay...you are depressed...let's just feel it and deal with it and move throughout our day without fighting it. It's there...no more lies...it's there...but we have to move forward. It has been working fairly well until tonight.

Tonight I am embracing the bastard but the bastard is fighting back. My brain is racing a hundred miles an hour. It's taking everything I have to concentrate on writing this. I am listening to my beloved Corgi, Fiona, snoring on her pillow knowing that soon I may have to let her go. It's killing me. She is 14 now and her hips are gone and her kidneys are beginning to show signs of strain and I am straining with her trying to decide if we are ready to make that decision yet. Is she ready to go? Can I let her go? Have I done all that I can do for her? She's so brilliant but alas...she cannot speak to me...and let's face it...it would be in Welsh and it would probably be a curse and I would not understand it anyway.

So tonight I sit with my depression and my squirrel's nest of a brain and wonder what the hell I am doing. I guess...like my little saucy friends...I will keep trying to make friends with the monster in my head. Even if it plows me down in the road. It's better than fighting with it and trying to keep the internal lie alive. God...I am tired.

Ah...Can you smell the rubbish from here?

Lots of rubbish roaming around in my head tonight so here goes....

Today I was behind a lady at McDonald's who was very concerned about how many calories were in their iced coffee. All the while puffing on a cigarette. I am so glad you are worrying about getting fat and not about the state of your lungs. Ah well....

I then saw a truck that proudly announced the name of the business as Redeemed something or other. Now...don't get me wrong here...I am happy that he is happy that he is redeemed and all but I am puzzled about using it as a business name. Is he just happy and celebrating his redemption? Is he bragging about his redemption and thumbing his nose at those who are less redeemed? Is this supposed to make me believe that he will do better work because he is redeemed? If he screws up the job will Jesus make it right? It's a conundrum. I think I will never call him for a job just because he is too confusing.

I would like to make an announcement to my fellow Americans. As you can tell by my photo I am not a small and girlie woman. In fact...I am a 5'7''...300 pound...hunk of human being. I am built like a small truck. This is not because of a lot of effort on my part. I come from a long line of stocky females. I also have no control over the fact that I have PCOS. This means that I have cysts on my ovaries that do not allow me to have the proper hormonal balance. Thus...I have too much androgen and not enough estrogen. Aside from not being able to lose weight easily and having to shave every morning I don't notice it all that much. However...I would like you to TRUST me to know which bathroom is the correct one for me to use. I realize that I don't look like you. I realize that I choose to live my life the way I feel the most comfortable so I do not wear a lot of feminine clothing. Trust me...you would not feel any safer when I walked into the bathroom in a girlie outfit...you would definitely think that someone transgender had walked in at that point. Think...sailor in drag! It's not pretty. So...when you see me walk in...don't panic...it's just me and my original equipment. I am still sporting the vagina God gave me without alterations so you can relax. Rest assured I have no interest in what you are doing in the bathroom. I am there to use the toilet and move on. So let's just trust one another that we can read a sign and use common sense and go into proper bathroom and go right back to ignoring one another as much as possible. Because...and trust me on this...I am old and cranky...and if you say something to me or decide you want security to remove me...you are not going to be happy with the resulting conversation. Thank you!

Let's just make everyone mad while we are at it. Here in America you can pretty much say whatever stupid, misogynistic, racist, homophobic garbage you want. That is your right. But you must understand that society collectively sets our social norms on what is acceptable and unacceptable. You have to realize that most of us have moved on. So...when you say these things you must understand that there could be consequences for your behavior. You might alienate friends and family, you might lose your job, you might get your butt kicked. So spew all the rubbish you want but understand there could be a steep price tag. Oh...and if you feel free enough to fly that piece of Confederate bull shit and expect me not be offended by it then I expect you not to be offended by the finger I salute it with when I drive by your house. Fair is fair.

You might be asking yourself...Karen...where is all this anger and bitterness coming from? Well...I blame the Republicans and the internet. Now...I am going to go watch nonsense TV and eat food that is bad for me. Carry on!

Flat Squirrel Buffet

Mother Nature has put on quite the show this evening. Evidently one of the neighborhood squirrels lost a race with an automobile today and wound up squished in the middle of the street. I did not notice said tragedy right away. However, as I sat here on the couch, diving into my Popeye's chicken I saw a rather large shadow come across my front yard.

Holy crap! It's a Turkey Buzzard!! Now I live a block off a very busy road and I can see the Kum N' Go from my front windows so it's not like I am out in the country. So...said Turkey Buzzard, completely oblivious to the fact that he/she is ruining my appetite, plopped down and started doing what buzzards do...you know circle of life crap. Next thing I know here comes one of the neighborhood cats...of which there seem to be a multitude...and he/she decides to challenge the buzzard to a duel over the squished squirrel.

The Buzzard won that battle with a stretch of the wings, which convinced the cat that, yes, that buzzard is twice as big as me. The cat still hung in there though even though he/she retreated to a safer distance. Finally the buzzard lost interest and wandered over to the curb. Then the cat got all saucy and ran right at the bird...which just flew off making sarcastic anti-feline comments. The cat sauntered over and checked out the flat squirrel offering but decided that was just a bit too gross for him/her.

I finished my supper and came back into the living room and walked over to the front door to check out the naturalistic tableau and what should I see...a gopher...seriously people. It was running around the front yard and then would scoot back under my neighbor's house. I wonder if it is a relative of the gopher I wrangled out from under Martha's car at our old building. It is really close. Anyway...a gopher.

So I am going to sit here on my couch and keep an eye out for the next chapter. Who knows what might come roaming down the street next. Stay tuned....

For the love of God...make it stop.

Now this sentiment could refer to a lot of different things...and with my brain it does...so we are going to discuss things that need to stop.

1.  The annual Spring of Karen's angst. March is a very tough month for me and end of April is no peach either. Every year it starts off good with my friend Julie's birthday and then it just goes downhill from there. March 9th brings mom's birthday and this year would have been her 90th so that brought all sorts of angst with it. Then the 19th brings dad's birthday with all it's different sort of angst. All sorts of reexamining the cause of his douche-ness. Then the 31st is my anniversary. 21 years this year. But even that is sad because we are living 12 hours apart. Partly due to circumstance and partly due to choice and that brings all sorts of life choice angst. Like...what the fuck am I doing? I am wasting my life...you know...that sort of fun.
Then we have Easter. Now...I know Easter is supposed to be a joyous time but I have never been able to warm up to that feeling. To me it's just another year of marking the time things got so bad that God sent his only son down and we STILL DID NOT LEARN A DAMN THING! Yes...I am bitter.
Then comes the pollen that plagues my brain and the storms that make me hyper, or should I say, more hyper and it all comes crashing down at the end of April with the anniversary of mom's death. Yea me! This is why I prefer the Fall quite frankly.

2.  People need to understand that other folks do not process information the way they do. No one listens anymore. Especially if you are JUST an admin. They feel free to talk over you and not really listen to you and then have the gall to be upset when you get upset in return. No one person's time is more important than another person's time. Stop...and listen...and when you ask those of us with ADD a question...STOP...and let us process the question before you stalk off thinking we are idiots. Some of us need time to process the question before our brain will let us answer. Have patience with one another people.

3.  The other day I was driving to my dentist appointment when I saw a truck with a personalized Arkansas tag. Now...I get it...I really do...I lived in Fayetteville for five years...I understand your love for all things hog related. But seriously dude...driving around with a truck tag that says piglvr...that just needs to stop!! Scary place in my head now. I have never recovered from Deliverance.

4.  Today a squirrel met me in the driveway and proceeded to climb straight up the brick wall of my house. This needs to stop because quite frankly it freaked me out a little bit.

5.  Baker needs to stop obsessing over Kitten Face's whereabouts...especially if he is going to be dorky about it. This is how the conversation goes..."Baker...you JUST saw the cat in the kitchen two seconds ago...you looked right at her and barked...you JUST saw her so why are you standing in the spare bedroom staring at the armoire?"

6.  Girl Scouts need to stop selling Thin Mints because I have no self control.

7.  People need to stop hating one another...end of story!! Just stop!!

I was going to do 10 things but my ADD is so bad that I lost my train of thought. Maybe I will get back to it some day...oh look a chicken....