It's a mess in here!!

Yes folks it's a mess in my head tonight. My brain is a little bit like the nest of these squirrels which prompted me to share them with you. I know they are rodents and have fleas and such but I have always admired squirrels. Except for their need to be smashed by cars at any given moment they are really quite resilient. They can figure out any squirrel-proof bird feeder I have ever seen. Our squirrels in Arkansas would stand at the base of the bird feeder pole and look into the house reminding us that if we did not feed them they would capture the bird castle and all its seed. They would even come up on the deck and peer into the French doors. Cheeky little bastards! And I think it is this cheek that I like. They are saucy, feisty, and barky and who doesn't like that in a squirrel?

I am trying out a new strategy this week. My depression has been bad lately. Not...I am going to throw myself off a bridge bad but hard to function none the less. I have felt fragile...like one more thing was going to send me to the ward. If that happens, by the way, I expect you all to visit me and bring doughnuts! Depression is the silent disease...or not so silent in my case because I have no problem talking about it with others. The problem is that I have a problem in my relationship with my depression. I will become very quiet as I carry on my silent fight with it. I will tell it to go the fuck away!! It has no business here but it does not listen. I fight it and I fight it and I refuse to let it win most days. But you know what...that takes a toll on my emotional and mental energy.

I have always known that I have depression. I did not always know what to call it but I always knew it was there. One day I will be fairly perky and in a good mood for no good reason...even hyper and the next day I will wake up and...good feeling gone now. I argue with myself. I criticize myself. I tell myself all of the reasons why I have no right to feel depressed. Because you see...that is the evil of depression...the secret brain illness that no one can see. Unless you are a sobbing heap on the couch with the Oreos and the ice cream. There is no good reason for it sometimes...it just is. It is always there with you waiting to rear its ugly little head. Lurking behind your façade that you show to others so you don't make them uncomfortable.

Oh look a chicken...I am wandering off topic...AGAIN! So...my strategy this week has been to try and just live with the monster in my head. Because I will talk about my depression and put a happy face on it but I have never wanted to admit that I can't control it. I have never wanted to admit to myself that I can not defeat it with logic. I have never wanted to admit that I have this flaw that I cannot fix. I lie to myself and I try to explain it to others so that they will understand but it's hard to convince others when you cannot convince yourself.

My depression sucks you all and I have NO CONTROL over it. Dammit...it's true. Every day is a battle to get out of bed and get to work. Every day I try to put on a brave face no matter how crappy I feel...and it's not a good face let me tell you...because I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve...so people who know me well can tell I am struggling but they have no idea how bad it really is because I bury it in my lie. So this week I have been working on just accepting my depression for what it is. I have been embracing the suckiness so to speak. I have been telling myself...okay...you are depressed...let's just feel it and deal with it and move throughout our day without fighting it. It's there...no more lies...it's there...but we have to move forward. It has been working fairly well until tonight.

Tonight I am embracing the bastard but the bastard is fighting back. My brain is racing a hundred miles an hour. It's taking everything I have to concentrate on writing this. I am listening to my beloved Corgi, Fiona, snoring on her pillow knowing that soon I may have to let her go. It's killing me. She is 14 now and her hips are gone and her kidneys are beginning to show signs of strain and I am straining with her trying to decide if we are ready to make that decision yet. Is she ready to go? Can I let her go? Have I done all that I can do for her? She's so brilliant but alas...she cannot speak to me...and let's face it...it would be in Welsh and it would probably be a curse and I would not understand it anyway.

So tonight I sit with my depression and my squirrel's nest of a brain and wonder what the hell I am doing. I guess...like my little saucy friends...I will keep trying to make friends with the monster in my head. Even if it plows me down in the road. It's better than fighting with it and trying to keep the internal lie alive. God...I am tired.