A New Adventure?

I am a large human being. That is not a value judgement...it is just a fact. I will never be dainty. I am 5'7" tall with the build of defensive tackle. I do not have a problem with bone density. I have been told that people find me intimidating, although, I have no idea why. Maybe it's my serious, scrunchy thinking face that throws them off?  I don't know. Sometimes I am genuinely cranky about something but most of the time I am just concentrating on trying to control my rampant anxiety or just trying to work out a problem in my head.

I started becoming a horizontal over-achiever around 3rd grade when my PCOS began to kick in and my body began changing and my metabolism slowed to the pace of a 1,000 year old snail. I was a reasonably active kid yet I just kept getting bigger and brawnier and more masculine until I eventually turned into the current version of me. Now...granted...in the last four or five years I have taken the horizontal over achievement thing a bit too far. At my last weigh in I came in at an attractive 310 lbs. I have also become very inactive. All this has rolled down hill to the point that I am miserable and unhealthy and cranky about it.

I stopped beating myself up about being fat a long time ago. When I say I am fat it is simply the obvious truth and not a judgement. I know that it is vey difficult for me to lose weight because of the PCOS. I also know that I don't eat as much as people would assume I do. I do eat a lot of rubbish but it's not in vast quantities. I also know that I drink too much Coke but that is my one big vice and it's not likely to go away any time soon. I have however, been beating myself up about my inactivity and my health.

When I had trouble a couple of summers ago with my breathing in the heat they tested me for CPOD. They said I did not have CPOD but I was 451% more restricted than normal because of where I wear my weight. I do not undestand the difference. My hiatal hernia has been crankier than normal. My whole body hurts ALL the time. My legs have been especially cranky and my knees have been exploring new ways to hurt. I have felt weak and tired to the point of exhaustion. I have therefore been angry with myself and berating myself about the general state of me. I mean...seriously...Karen...how bad does it have to get befoe you do something about it? Because it's pretty bad right now and here we sit.

So...today I finally got up and did something about it. I went for a walk. It wasn't too hot yet so I put on my headphones and headed out for a short walk just to get started. I planned for a 1/2 an hour. I walked down to the park and made the loop to come back home. I walked for 45 minutes at my own pace and did not get hot or tired feeling until I got within a block of the house. I was surprised. I did far better than I thought I would. When I got home I forced myself to drink a 12 oz bottle of water. That doesn't sound like much but to a girl who only consumes water in a carbonated form surrounded by Coke it was something. I am proud of myself.

I am not so much concerned with losing weight this time around. I much more concerned about feeling better and becoming more healthy. The weight will do what it is going to do. I do not know if I will be able to maintain this new determination. Past history does not hold out much hope for me but maybe this time I can stick with it? I am going to try and that is really all I can do. Maybe this will be the beginning of a new adventure to find the normal sized person inside me who just wants to be healthy and happy. Wish me luck!