A Lot of Random Shit

I cannot seem to come up with a theme that is not bitter and depressed sounding so I think I will just go with random things that have struck me recently.

The r key on my computer keeps sticking or not working and it's pissing me off to no end. It seems like it shouldn't be a big thing but it's really annoying. Do you know how many words have r's in them?

Cats are sadistic voyeurs. Kitten Face has decided to come into the bedroom every morning as I am trying to get dressed and am at my least clothed and demand attention. I suspect she is looking for denim to molest but if there is none in the offing she just goes for pets at the most awkward time. Worse yet she looks at me with those judgmental eyes..."I see you're still fat mommy"...how's about I slice off some of that for you with my handy toenails? She also stares at my boobs as if they are going to somehow leap off my chest and attack her...it's very disconcerting. The other day she came into the bathroom for her "captive audience" dance and requisite petting frenzy. She sat down in front of me and then noticed the little strings on my shorts. I cannot find the words to explain the way the life of my coochie flashed before its eyes (I know just go with the imagery here) as she began to expand her pupils to 5 times their normal size and began trying to chew/attack the strings. If a vagina could panic and scream in terror mine would have done so. She's staring at me from her cat post right now with a look of both adoration and contempt. How do they do that??

I took the boys outside a bit ago thinking they might need to potty. It's such a nice evening for a change. We were just hanging out listening to the near deafening chorus of cicadas when I noticed a mosquito the size of the Titanic on Biscuit's back so in the house we came. My illegal furniture refinishing neighbor has pretty much just abandoned the house next door and so the yard has not been mowed all summer. The crop of mosquitoes squatting in her yard is impressive and they are hungry and making my life hell. Today...on my nice quiet Saturday she sent a power washing guy over to try and clean up the mess she made on the back patio and to clean out the trees (that's no joke...they were small saplings) out of the gutters. The poor guy was here for five hours!! So much for the quiet.

My other neighbor is an older lady who likes to tell me what I should do in my yard. It's a bit annoying really. Anyway...her child uses her for a day care. As a child who was dumped on my grandmother's crazy doorstep most of my childhood I can tell you this is not a fun way to spend your summer. There are a couple of kids in the neighborhood close to her age but that's it. Tonight they brought her for what looked like an overnight. She had her little back pack with her. (You are probably asking yourself...how does she know all this...well...I will tell you...my front door was open and they park their car in my line of sight EVERY single time.) They drop her off and about 10 minutes later they cruise back up and dad has a happy meal hanging out the window for the child to run out and pick up.

Quite honestly I am surprised he didn't make her catch it as they drove by the house. Now, maybe she's a good grandma and she loves her granddaughter and doesn't mind but come on people. You chose to have a child. The least you can do is get your lazy, grown up ass, out of the car and take your child her dinner...such as it is. I hope she got a good toy. I am being bitter again...dammit!

I better stop now while I am ahead.

A New Adventure?

I am a large human being. That is not a value judgement...it is just a fact. I will never be dainty. I am 5'7" tall with the build of defensive tackle. I do not have a problem with bone density. I have been told that people find me intimidating, although, I have no idea why. Maybe it's my serious, scrunchy thinking face that throws them off?  I don't know. Sometimes I am genuinely cranky about something but most of the time I am just concentrating on trying to control my rampant anxiety or just trying to work out a problem in my head.

I started becoming a horizontal over-achiever around 3rd grade when my PCOS began to kick in and my body began changing and my metabolism slowed to the pace of a 1,000 year old snail. I was a reasonably active kid yet I just kept getting bigger and brawnier and more masculine until I eventually turned into the current version of me. Now...granted...in the last four or five years I have taken the horizontal over achievement thing a bit too far. At my last weigh in I came in at an attractive 310 lbs. I have also become very inactive. All this has rolled down hill to the point that I am miserable and unhealthy and cranky about it.

I stopped beating myself up about being fat a long time ago. When I say I am fat it is simply the obvious truth and not a judgement. I know that it is vey difficult for me to lose weight because of the PCOS. I also know that I don't eat as much as people would assume I do. I do eat a lot of rubbish but it's not in vast quantities. I also know that I drink too much Coke but that is my one big vice and it's not likely to go away any time soon. I have however, been beating myself up about my inactivity and my health.

When I had trouble a couple of summers ago with my breathing in the heat they tested me for CPOD. They said I did not have CPOD but I was 451% more restricted than normal because of where I wear my weight. I do not undestand the difference. My hiatal hernia has been crankier than normal. My whole body hurts ALL the time. My legs have been especially cranky and my knees have been exploring new ways to hurt. I have felt weak and tired to the point of exhaustion. I have therefore been angry with myself and berating myself about the general state of me. I mean...seriously...Karen...how bad does it have to get befoe you do something about it? Because it's pretty bad right now and here we sit.

So...today I finally got up and did something about it. I went for a walk. It wasn't too hot yet so I put on my headphones and headed out for a short walk just to get started. I planned for a 1/2 an hour. I walked down to the park and made the loop to come back home. I walked for 45 minutes at my own pace and did not get hot or tired feeling until I got within a block of the house. I was surprised. I did far better than I thought I would. When I got home I forced myself to drink a 12 oz bottle of water. That doesn't sound like much but to a girl who only consumes water in a carbonated form surrounded by Coke it was something. I am proud of myself.

I am not so much concerned with losing weight this time around. I much more concerned about feeling better and becoming more healthy. The weight will do what it is going to do. I do not know if I will be able to maintain this new determination. Past history does not hold out much hope for me but maybe this time I can stick with it? I am going to try and that is really all I can do. Maybe this will be the beginning of a new adventure to find the normal sized person inside me who just wants to be healthy and happy. Wish me luck!