Careless

So many things have been going on this week that have tried my soul. My heart still aches for my "family" who lost their lives in Orlando. I am still sitting with that pain and it has made me short tempered, frustrated, weepy and judgmental of others. Even my poor dog Owen has felt the brunt of my pain as I try to find a way to sanity in an insane situation.

In the midst of all this personal angst there have been a couple of other story lines in the news that grabbed my attention and they have brought home to me the very depth of human arrogance. We are such self-involved, self-congratulatory, arrogant, oblivious and careless creatures. Human beings are 100% convinced that they are the top of the food chain and that, combined with opposable thumbs and egos have made us the masters of this planet and all show bow before us.

The storylines that have brought this carelessness home to roost for me are the horrible tragedy at Disney World and an incident in India where 18 Asiatic lions were "arrested" and put "on trial" for attacking and killing folks who live near their reserve. What happened to that little boy was horrifying and tragic and so very sad. And how do we as a society react to that? We look for someone, anyone, to blame. Why do we have to BLAME anyone? It was not the parents fault. It was not Disney's fault. And it certainly was not the alligators' fault. It was a horrific accident of nature. And the alligators paid the price for this misfortune. The knee jerk reaction was to kill all the alligators they could find nearby because we have to make it safe for the HUMANS. Because our lives have far more value than a stupid alligator.

All that alligator saw was prey at the edge of his domain. He did not stop to decide if it was a human being or not. He was following his nature in order to survive. I am quite sure it would have been more than happy to not find itself at Disney World where it was much more likely to be spotted and killed. He did not think to himself...I think I shall pop over to Disney World and snatch me a toddler for supper. But because our lives are so much more important than any other creature all the gators in the area must die. It MUST be safe for us to do whatever the hell we want wherever the hell we want because we are kings of the jungle.

The same can be said for the lions in India. They "arrested" 18 of them and studied their paw prints and feces to determine which lion, or lions, hand been attacking and killing local villagers who lived near a lion sanctuary. They were searching for the "maneater". Evidently they have determined the culprirts who will now be locked away in cages for the rest of their lives so they will not eat anyone else. Because clearly it is more important to maintain our personal security even if it means taking away the freedom of another living being. Was it a good thing that the lions were attacking folks? Of course not...but again...the lion was doing what lions do in order to survive. Something was clearly causing stress to them within the sanctuary for them to roam outside where they were much more likely to encounter humans and possible death.

Where am I going with all this you ask? Well...I would like to ask my fellow homospaiens to stop and think about what we are doing to this planet. Speicies of flora and fauna everywhere are disappearing daily to service OUR needs and wants. We treat other living creatures carelessly and have little respect for their needs and their habitats that we have destroyed for our gain. We place great stress upon their populations and then get upset when deaths occur. We no longer seek to live side by side with nature and give it the respect it is due. We simply keep trying to subvert it our will and insure that our silly lives are the ones that matter most. I think ALL life has value. And I think that if we do not stop our insanity and put our egos aside we are going to find ourselves in deep, deep ecological doo doo and quite frankly, if there are any animals left they will have the last laugh.

Welcome to Weimar America

If you are a sensitive soul and don't want to be offended I suggest you skip this blog because this girl is angry and she is about to spew.

I have had it up to HERE with Donald Trump and any other ignorant, narcissistic douche bag who thinks it's okay to marginalize and kill people because we don't like them. So...I am going to pass on some of the knowledge that I acquired while spending all that money on my history degree. This is really oversimplified so bear with me. I did not want to have to do footnotes.

Once upon a time in Weimar Germany there were folks living their lives and trying to recover from the devastation of WWI. (Which by the way was nothing compared to the suffering of conservatives under our current president...riiigghhhttt. Please insert sarcasm sign here!) Some folks in Germany were a little embarrassed and angry that they had lost WWI and were now having to face the consequences of their governments actions. Sound familiar?

Along came a man with a really awkward moustache who realized his particular brand of insanity was just what the country needed. So countless "good" people looked the other way as he ramped up the hatred and the violence and the rhetoric. They remained complacent in their homes as he and his minions began consolidating power. They thought this little Bavarian corporal was no threat to them so why rock the boat. Then they sat back and watched and some even voted him into power. I am sure they went to sleep at night thinking...oh he's really not all that bad and he will make Germany great again.

Then they sat on their complacency and watched as, shockingly enough, he put all his violent rhetoric into action. I am sure some of them were genuinely horrified but not horrified enough to try and stop what they had helped put into motion. After all...so he arrests some Jews, and some Gypsies, and some gays, and some communists, and some Catholic activists and many others I am forgetting to mention here...he says they are a threat to our way of life...and we are not any of these things so we will look the other way as people just vanish into "work camps". It will be good for them and we shall be safe and Germany will be great again.

Now...let's zoom forward to 2016 and talk about people who really should know better but apparently have lost their collective minds. Today we have a man with really awkward hair pandering to the same kind of hatred and violence that we thought had left our landscape. Silly us...we thought we had learned something from the Holocaust but evidently not. I am sure there are folks who thought that funny little rich guy is no threat and he says he will make America great again! He's just bombastic and he doesn't really mean all the hateful, racist, misogynistic things he says. He's just saying all that because he's different from those awful politicians in power now and he says he will make America great again!

So...here we are America at a major crossroads in our collective history. Are we going to sit on our asses and let Trump and his minions spread their ignorant, racist and violent rhetoric all way to the White House and then be shocked when he starts arresting our friends and neighbors and sending them to special "relocation facilities"? Are we going to continue to cling to every last automatic rifle we can own so we can "protect" ourselves from all those awful people out there who just might be different than "us?" Are we going to continue to marginalize the value of human life? This is the time for everyone to choose. Not November...NOW. We have to say no to hate and to the de-humanizing whack jobs trying to make America great again. We need to look in mirror and put aside our fear and our complacency and stand up against the violence and hatred in this country right now. If we do not we are doomed to repeat the unspeakable atrocities that we thought were behind us. What makes America great is not macho, racist, rhetoric...it's the fact that even though we are all different we find a way to live together and thrive.

Yes...I am angry...and I should be promoting more love and tolerance and less anger...but I am tired of watching innocent people die in this country while we sit on our asses and feel bad but do nothing about it. I will not be quiet about this anymore and if you feel the need to unfriend me or whatever you need to do I will understand. But I will not be afraid or complacent or quiet anymore. We are better than this America and we can stop the tide of hate. We just have to try. (yes...I have watched Zootopia like 3 times this weekend trying to calm down...so sue me.)

Namaste.

Well hello there!

Well hello there world!! After the angst-ridden mess of that last blog I thought I would share with you what has happened since that awful night.

First and foremost I would like to apologize to all my family and friends for any future idiocy that might occur. This is a direct result of me going OFF my meds. Now...at first this seems like a really bad idea right? She is in denial. She will wreck herself and we will have to listen to more mindless sobbing on the phone. I am not a fool. I know that this was a risk and I am well aware that my depression has not disappeared and that I will have bad days and weeks and be a mess. However...just look at that smile...that has not been seen in some time. That twinkle that tells you this person is not quite sane was gone. My light and my life were gone.

When I started the anti-depressants around 6 or so years ago it was for a good reason. I needed them. I was not able to deal with my grief on my own. So they were necessary to keep me on this planet and they did their job. They kept me alive until I could crawl back out of my hole. But somewhere along the way I got complacent and my nurse practitioners gave up on me. Everyone...including me...thought I would have to be on the meds for the rest of my life. After all...I have had issues with depression my whole life. And if some day I find myself back in the darkness I know I will recognize it and do what I need to do.

But for now...I feel ALIVE again!! I have been so anesthetized that I had forgotten what it felt like to feel really happy. These drugs are the pharmaceutical equivalent of a Dementor. (See Harry Potter) I could not FEEL happy. I noticed right away that they would not let me cry, even when there was darn good reason to do so. They allowed me to feel depressed...which I find quite ironic...but they did not allow me to feel really happy. They kept me on an artificial even keel. A surface happy sure...but not that euphoric, goofy, free feeling of just being happy. The joy of just being silly for no good reason. I have not felt "free" in years.

In the past week or so I have been more active and productive than I have in months. I do not want to sleep all the time. I want to be outside. I want to be silly. I want to soak up the world again. Now...all this being said...I am NOT advocating that everyone run right out and go off their meds. For some people they work and they help them and that is a good thing. I am just in a different place than I was when I needed them and I am willing to work on other techniques the next time the sadness arrives. I am willing now to work with it and not fight it.

So again...I wish to apologize in advance. I am back to having a weaker social filter. I am laughing loudly. I am probably going to be really hyper at times. I am going to be loud at times. I am going to annoy the shit out of you at times. I will probably offend someone really soon but understand that is not my intention. I just tend to blurt before thinking too deeply about the subject. My ADHD will be worse. I will be silly. I will be feisty. I will be sarcastic. I will be mishchevious. I will give you a hard time. (Amber) I will be inappropriate at times. What I will NOT be is sitting here writing that mess I wrote the other day. I will NOT be withdrawing into myself. I will not give up on my fellow man. I will not retreat to sitting in the lawn chair by myself brooding like my dad. I will be free and I will continue on my adventure. Wish me luck!!

"Do you know which clothes even fit me?."- The Clash

Believe it or not this is me...probably about 3 or 4 years old. The salad days so to speak.

The days before the PCOS took over and built the large, semi-manly bear you see today. The days before my dad convinced me I was worthless. The days before the sexual abuse. The days before I realized people were making fun of me for my size. The days before I lost me.

Today I have been doing a lot of pondering. Probably not such a good idea some would say. You see I have been trying to make a decision about the anti-depressants I have been taking for the last 7 or so years. I think I have decided to get off the pharmaceutical roller coaster and try to find other ways to deal with my depressive episodes. Since none of them are of the self-harming variety I think it's worth the risk. Therefore...my brain has been messing with me. Again...this is not new. "Everyone" says I cannot stop them cold turkey. But even 1/4 of a Lexapro makes me feel like crap for 2 days. I have been trying to find a happy balance for a couple of weeks now. Sometimes I feel like I am succeeding and other times failing.

Today I have been wondering who I am supposed to be. You would think I would have a better grasp of this at my age and in some ways I do. In some ways I know exactly who I am. I am kind, I am shy, I am loud, I am quiet, I can be hyper and annoying, I am intelligent, I wear my emotions in my eyes and I do not hide them, I can be cranky and moody, I love to laugh, I am sarcastic, I love irony and absurdity, my energy can be supportive or suffocating, I love too easily, I get hurt too easily, I try too hard to be perfect and do not handle criticism well. All of these things I know about myself. I am generally lovable...a big, warm fuzzy bear. Inside though...deep inside...in those places I don't like to think about I know there is a very fragile bear who is very, very angry and impulsive and erratic.

Lately I have been noticing that people have a lot of ideas of which Karen I should appear as most often. I have asked a trusted friend for feedback but she struggles with how to tell me things because she is afraid of hurting me or of poking the bear. Another friend has made it quite known that she does not like the "me" who comes to work on the Lexapro. I am too quiet! She wants me to be chatty, and funny and I don't know what all else. My size makes people uncomfortable, my non-obvious gender makes them uncomfortable, my booming voice bothers them, my social discomfort bothers them...let's face it...I just bother people. Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love shush you because you are too excited and loud? When you don't even realize you are being loud? So it bothers people to see my pain and it bothers them to see my hyper-ass self. What am I supposed to do with that shit? Do I walk around half-stoned and feeling like crap because it makes others more comfortable?

So...what is a bear to do with this mess? Do I continue to ride the pharma fun wagon because the drugged up Karen appeals to some folks? Do I continue to wean myself off of them because that Karen appeals to others? How do I find who I want to be again? How do I get un lost? How do I find a way to be comfortable in my own skin without becoming a hermit? Because you see I a withdrawing into myself more and more because I feel like I cannot possibly be the person others want me to be. How do I get back to that little care-free girl in the photo?

Vacationing in Never Never Land

Have you ever had one of those days where you start out at point A thinking this is the way your day will go and then all of sudden you are sitting on your couch at home thinking how the hell did I get to point B?

It started out as normal mornings do. I snoozed my phone 3 or so times. I finally got up and staggered to the bathroom to pee. Let Baker outside. Chased Owen around the house for a lap or two until he stopped and I put him outside. Came back in and took a swig of the only thing that keeps me sane (Coke...as in cola). Went to the spare bedroom and retrieved Kitten Face from Narnia (her armoire drawer) and carried her majesty to the kitchen. Fed the cat...brought in the dogs...fed the dogs. Staggered back to the couch to sacrifice my moral fiber by turning on the internet. Finally realize I HAVE to get in the shower. Get in the shower...miss a text from my boss...make it to work on time. Head out on my errands. Get part of the way done...check my phone...see the text and voicemail on my phone. Think to myself...oh shit!!!

Then it happens...and I don't even know when it started...or what caused it...but my hormones started swinging like Tarzan on meth. I was angry that it has rained every day for the last 6 years (okay...I know I am exaggerating but that's what it feels like). I was angry at that inconsiderate person who parked like a jackass. I was mad at my doctor's office again. I wanted to stuff that guy's cell phone up his ass if he didn't drive the damn car and stay in his own lane. Get the drift...I was a trifle miffed. I wanted to go home...grab a duffle bag and disappear into the wilderness where the bears could eat me in peace and quiet. At least then there would be no people to piss me off!! Sure...I would be dead but I would helping the environment right?

This goes on for a bit and then I head to the store at lunch because I could no longer look Kitten Face in the eye and tell her I still had no canned food for her. Forget that her bowl is overflowing with dry food just for a sec. So I trot on down to get some essentials like more Coke, Cheetos, bread, cat fud, softer dog treats for Owen, and some other stuff that I thought I needed at the time. Still a little miffed...contemplated tripping the kids that were racing through the store trying to dismantle it while mom checked her FB page.  Then I got to the self-checkout register and the nice, older woman in front of me was clearly having a day as well. She had some lunch, a dessert and a four pack of wine.

The self-checkout thing of course dings her because she has wine. They should mount a camera there so they can see us and automatically judge by our frown lines whether we are old enough to drink or not. She is VERY apologetic. I told her it was fine and it was. She seemed very worried that I might become snippy or angry with her and I assured her everything was okay. And my mood swung completely the other way. I wasn't mad anymore. It was gone. I was more sad that this is what we have become. We now have to worry the person behind us in line is going to go postal over a two minute delay.

I get back to work and I swing into sarcastic unbelieving land. This would be because I got on the internet again to amuse myself over the last 15 minutes of my lunch. I was astounded by the fact that Johnny Manziel posting a photo of him getting a tattoo on a plane seemed more important than an active shooter on the campus of UCLA. I start laughing at the fact that North Korea thinks Donald Trump would be a good president. I am amazed that an idiot would get that close to a ginormous alligator as it strolls across the golf course. Is it just me or did that look fake? Anyway...an alligator can turn and charge you at some ungodly speed. That bunker is not going to save your silly ass.

I am wondering what the point is of Josh Duggar and his wife staying married if she feels it's important to ban him from having a cell phone? Really? Trust issues? Have some self-respect and divorce the man and move on. Now a blind man is suing Mc Donald's for denying him drive-thru service?? Was he driving? This is like the braille on the drive-thru ATMs...I just find it disturbing. Evidently a gentleman is upset because McDonald's has a policy against serving people who walk up to their windows at night. God forbid they should not want to be robbed. So...we should sue because a company's safety policy inconveniences you. REALLY?? Perchance you should head to the restaurant before the they close the dining room? God forbid you have to find a friend to take your through the drive-thru. For the love of GOD...make it stop!!!!

I manage to get back to work and finish out my day. Still teetering between cranky and sarcastic and entertained but mostly feeling festive and goofy. I get home and am sitting on my couch feeling all warm and fuzzy and goofy and silly and happy and am thinking how in the hell did I get to point B? I am messing with the dogs and laughing at the internet and all is right with the world.

Oh look a chicken....