What self esteem?

Language warning: If you are offended by the "f" word please skip this blog. Sometimes it's just a necessary word.

I find that my battle with myself over my sense of self esteem continues. I have worked really hard to eliminate my PTSD and that has gone wonderfully well and at times I am the happiest and most content I have ever been. It's a new feeling for me and it's taking me awhile to adjust.

But I still find myself struggling with the value of "me". You see...I am really good at paying lip service to the fact that I am a good person. At least a good bit of me does believe that I am kind, loyal, loving, intelligent, funny and an all around good egg. However...there is still this part of me who thinks..."yeah who the fuck are you kidding." There is still a part of me who refuses to believe any of the above is true. There is a part of me that still does not trust the words or intentions of others because, clearly, the things they say and do cannot be true, I am not worthy.

Sometimes I think I will always be that little fat girl who is constantly looking for the approval of others that she never got from her weasel of a father. Yes...I have daddy issues...and mommy issues...but that is mostly behind me now. Snicker...snicker.... It has only been recently that I have been able to look at myself in photos and the mirror and think that maybe...just maybe...I am not as ugly as I always thought I was. I look at photos of that sweet little girl with the blonde hair and the haunted eyes and think that cannot be me. She was so cute...what the fuck happened?

I long to have a relationship with someone (and it doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship) where I am TOTALLY relaxed and comfortable with that person. I have never given myself permission to do that you see. I would love to be able to blame the other person completely but that would neither be truthful or fair. I have had relationships where that just was not an option and it was not totally my fault. (See future blog on "the evil one".) But overall I just don't find myself able to truly trust the intentions or words of others. I think too much so they say.

I have someone in my life whom I have been in love with for over 20 years now. And even though I have loved her with my whole being I have still never allowed myself to be totally comfortable with her. She cannot possibly mean the things she says. She cannot really love me. She is brilliant. She is from a much better social class than me. She is wonderful. I don't deserve her love so it cannot be true. I will never be good enough for her. And when she needed time to go on her journey alone I found all of my lies to myself were true. I made it all about myself because only I was the one in pain you see. I allowed myself to drift into the darkness that always lurks right there in my soul. I knew it! I knew it! You see...I wasn't good enough! A self-fulfilling prophecy.

What...you say...has brought up all this angst and self discussion? Well today I was teasing the aforementioned love of my life about her moving to Missouri. Why is that a stupid idea Karen? I mean besides the fact that my house is a pig sty of my own making. You see Missouri is not Colorado. My home that I love so much could never be good enough for her. I can never be good enough for her. So I sit with my discomfort and wonder if I will ever be able to change? Will I ever give myself permission to change? Will I ever allow myself to be comfortable with someone the way I want to be comfortable? Will I ever be good enough for me? We shall see....