Operation Squeal Like a Little Girl and other nonsense

My brain has been all over the place today so I thought I would share all my random brain spasms with all of you...aren't you the lucky ones.

First things first...this morning I got up and took the dogs out to the sauna to go potty. While I watered my plants and a bit of the yard I let them roam around and do their thing. We came back in the house and had breakfast and while I was sitting on the couch Owen walks up to within about 2 feet of me and poops in the middle of the living room floor. WTF??? Owen!! He has no shame and no remorse and no manners and aw damnit he's so freakin' cute with those sad eyes.

Then on the way to work I proceed to have an argument with the Bluetooth in my truck. For those of you who know me well this will not come as a big surprise but my Bluetooth and I have a difficult relationship. You see they did not think about programing her to recognize a Midwestern/Southern drawl with a little Minnesota thrown in for good measure. She does not like the way I say "Beth". She will say "Help" or "Cancel" or on a good day "Nan". Now how in the hell does Nan sound like Beth? So we were arguing this morning and I finally said "Oh...Bite Me!" and she came back with "Connie". I am not sure what this says about my friends named Connie...of which I think I have 4...but I burst out laughing.

Then I am sitting at the front desk at work earning brownie points for purgatory...I mean seriously...do I seem like the receptionist type to you...they SO need to get someone hired. Anyway...I was looking at the morning paper taking a wee break when I saw this headline that said something like "Man sentenced for statutory sex." Now...I know full well what statutory rape is but it was the sex part that threw me off for a second. All I could think of was some guy was getting freaky with a garden gnome. That's just wrong! It ranks right up there with the idiot who was arguing with his roommate about rent and then clobbers the poor guy in the head with a golf club. Now that's the way to handle conflict moron.

After I took Fiona for her laser therapy today I had to suck it up and go back out into the miserable sauna to pick up a prescription and make a trip to Lowe's. I did not want to go to Lowe's but I really had no choice. You see...tis' the time of the year when the wasps like to build their casas in inappropriate places where they can ambush you when you least expect it. This requires a special tool...a can of toxic waste that will shoot 27 feet in the air. You need that 27 feet so you can get a head start running from the wasps you just pissed off. So, after making two laps looking for something else I needed I got my killing weapon and headed home.

I took the dogs out again and got them settled and then prepared for battle. Can of toxic waste yes, shoes yes, nerves of steel...oh hell no!! I crept stealthily, well as stealthy as a large woman can be, to the front door and slowly opened the screen just a bit to see if anyone was home. Ah...Mr. and Mrs. wasp are there working on a bungalow for their 2.5 kids...oh wait...there's two more adults...polygamist wasps...oh this is just getting worse. I slowly raise my can of death and point it at the interlopers. I squeeze the trigger and squeal like a little girl and slam the screen door when they start heading for the hills. I am now afraid to go look and see if it's safe yet. It shall have to wait until morning. That's all the bravery I have for today. I then had to go do the same out back but no one was home there so I was quite cocky as I hosed the nest down and sprayed a spider for good measure. BWAHAHAHAHA...I know...it's only a matter of time before they get their revenge but for now I am death in khaki shorts.