Bladder Containment Systems Test

I have consulted with another...ahem...older lady friend who has confirmed that I am not alone so I have decided to share my urinary adventure.

So...the boys and I headed out for a drive and I did my usual and stopped by Sonic for a large Coke for the journey. Standard. Along about and hour and a half into our 3 hour cruise I realize that I have to pee. Hmmm???? Options? Well since I was some where out by La Russell when I first noticed the urge I was kind of screwed. I could try and find a secluded spot and risk a full moon spotting in the late afternoon sunshine. I could make a trek over toward Sarcoxie to find an actual restroom. Neither sounded appealing and I am incredibly stubborn and procrastination is my superpower. We drove on.

Yet...despite my advanced degree and the fact that I consider myself to be a pretty smart cookie I just continue to drive and choose to acknowledge the urge postponing the inevitable. It's like urinary denial sets in. I just continued on my way and kept driving and kept ignoring. So...here I am out in the country and I have to pee like a racehorse and do I stop to do anyting about it...noooooo....do I continue drinking my Coke....yessssss.

As I was coming back into Carthage I had a fleeting moment where I thought oh...the urge seems to have gone. That was the stupid part of my brain. The smart side was saying...oh shit...this can't be good. Shortly thereafter I noticed the goosebumps...but did I stop...oh hell no. At this point I am afraid to try the convenience store. Better to wait. Shit!!!

Do I drive straight home to take care of the situation getting more desperate by the moment. Noooo...of course not...I stop at Burger King to get dinner. As I am coming down Maiden Lane I am telling the boys that they are going to have to wait until mommy goes pee. Baker demonstrates his understanding of the situation by leaping from the passenger seat onto my lap/bladder. Nice...son! 

I get home and managed to remember and grab my Whopper before I exit the car. I find the house key first and tell the boys to stay. Then I exit the car and holy shit...it's like bladder containment at DEF CON 40! I am trying to get the door unlocked while clamping my fat thighs as tightly together as is humanly possible. I make it the dining room and think shit...what do I do with my Whopper. I waddled over to the couch and then headed for the bathroom. My legs are clinched together so tight I could be making pearls for all I know. I also know that I am losing containment.

My bladder finally gives up and starts without consent. Hussy!! I race to the toilet and whip my shorts down and let it fly. Thank goodness I was heavily prepared with the highest quality bladder containment systems. These were clearly desingned for stubborn doofuses like me. I replaced my inner thigh levees and congratulated those that gave their lives to protect my carpet. The boys then got to go potty and have dinner. It must have been stressful for them as well because they are crashed out here on the couch and have been all evening.

I know there's probably a sensible moral to this story but I am sure I will continue to ignore and play Russian Roulette with my bladder. Some girls just never learn.

Vacation Openness

It has taken me a bit of time to process my vacation so that I could comment on it. I have been thinking about it for a good bit and decided to just go for it.

This vacation seems to have opened a sort of portal into my sensitivity zone. I was so tired and so burned out and so needed a break that I think it made me more open to what I was feeling and experiencing. For some time now I have been closing doors and withdrawing more because the stress and emotion of human contact was getting to be too much for me. I was shutting down and closing up shop so to speak. The universe has evidently decided that I should not do so and felt it needed to remind me of our interconnectedness.

Sedona was our first stop and an interesting experience. I knew that Sedona had a reputation for positive energy and that it had a strong pull that some people felt there. It attracts artists and spiritualists by the droves. So I went there with an open mind but still was a wee tad skeptical. I cannot say that I felt anything really profound in Sedona. What I did feel though, was very powerful. I felt very drawn to the rock formations there and I also felt very, very calm...which is a new feeling for me. I thought at first it was just that I was relaxed and on vacation but that feeling of calm did not follow me out of Sedona. I only felt it while we were there. I know that I have to go back.

The south rim of the Grand Canyon was interesting. It is very hard to feel anything there because of the hoards of tourists everywhere all chattering and taking selfies and trying to fall into the canyon while taking selfies. I was amazed by the sheer size of the place. It was astounding but that was about it really. I was more intrigued by the elk who came right up by the visitors center around dusk. They were amazing and majestic and had no fear of the tourists. Silly elk.

The drive to Kanab, Utah was very beautiful. There was one pass we drove through that was amazing. We did not get a chance to explore the area around Kanab much as the rain we had been dodging arrived in full force. I checked the radar and thought that if we left right then we might catch a break in the weather and be able to enjoy the North Rim before the rain came back in. So we headed out and the weather did get clearer the further south we headed. The drive up to the north rim is worth the trip alone. Beautiful alpine type meadows and firs and aspens all with the first colors of fall gracing the hillsides. Magnificent!

Then we got to the North Rim and the canyon there was so amazing and so different than the south rim. As we arrived the canyon was filled with either clouds or fog. It looked like clouds and it was breathtaking. I was just stunned by the beauty and was overcome with a sense of sacredness. I kept trying to whisper to Beth like I was in a library because that was how sacred and quiet it felt. It was also so much less crowded and that allowed the canyon to speak to you more loudly and you could feel its sacredness all around you. It was moving and amazing and I must go back there to feel that sense of holiness once again.

The drive to Durango Colorado was probably my most profound moment. Most of that drive is through a massive Navajo reservation. The scenery was quite amazing but the emotion of the place was what was really interesting. On the one hand I was hypnotized by the beauty all around me and on the other hand I was so distressed to see the poverty all around me. I felt a sense of horrible guilt and shame at my blessings. It was humbling and upsetting at the same time. No one should have to live in those conditions. Shame on us!!

Somewhere between the Burger King and the Four Corners Monument I had my most profound moment of the vacation. We were still on the reservation and I was overcome by a feeling of reverence for the sacredness of the area. That stretch of desert felt incredibly holy to me. I really had to force myself to NOT tell Beth to stop the car. I felt a sense of panic and a feeling like I needed to get out of the car and prostrate myself on the ground and somehow absorb the energy and the feeling of the place. It was one of the most confusing and emotional moments of my entire life. I have never felt that way about a physical space before and I still don't quite understand the power of it. The pull I felt  and the tie I felt to the place was inescapable. It was hard to leave the area and then poof...the closer we got to the Four Corners the pull of the area disappeared. I was left with a longing to turn around and go back. I must go back. I will go back.

So...that was my summer/fall vacation. It was filled with wonder and new experiences that I am still trying to process and it has left me still open and vulnerable. I am not sure I like the feeling but I have to sit with it. For the time being I am VERY open and it's both unnerving and exciting. I would prefer that the panic/anxiety attacks stay away but for now I will stay open as long as I can bear it and then I shall close the doors again so that I can survive the ride to the next open door.

Expelling Some Demons

Today I decided to try and expel some demons. A couple of summers ago I took myself up to Ha Ha Tonka State Park to hike and take pictures. Unfortunately it was the summer I was having a lot of trouble with breathing. So much so that they tested me for COPD. I headed off to see the Devil's Promenade and a collapsed cave. I had no clue the trail would be as challenging as it was and I can be such a stubborn bear sometimes. Long story short...instead of turning around and going back the way I came I tried to work my way out the other side. Unfortunately I got myself really turned around and quite befuddled and generally lost. I then proceeded to have a panic attack which was oh so helpful for my breathing. Due to not thinking clearly I turned the wrong direction and made it worse. Finally...I was having such trouble and was in such a panic that I had to swallow my pride and flag down a pickup and ask them for help. They were such a kind young couple and they helped me out and got me back to my car. I will always be eternally grateful to them for helping me and not dismissing me as a whack job.

Today I decided to go back and face my fears. I was not about to attempt my original excursion. I decided, instead to try the natural bridge area and the sink hole area caused by another cave collapse similar to the one I visited Saturday. I headed off with the masses to check it out. I knew the trail was .75 mile long so I thought it would not be too bad. Holy crap Batman they have a weird idea of what might be a good trail. It was steep and rough and just kept going up. I found myself...not getting in a panic per se...but finding I was having more trouble breathing again. Not to the same extent as last time but still it was hot and it was muggy down there and so I decided I had done enough and discretion was the better part of valor and I turned around and went back to the car.

I did get some good pictures. I survived. I would have been happier if I had made it the whole way but I did the best I could with what I had. I think I am done with Ha Ha Tonka. I have conquered what I needed to conquer. I have only found a couple of places in nature that I have gotten a bad feeling about and this is one of them. For some reason the energy there feels very bad to me and seems to affect me badly as well. The farther I drove out the area the better it felt. I don't know what is inhabiting that area but it's not the benign peacefulness that I usually find. But I did it and for that I am very proud of myself.

Road Trip Heaven

Yesterday I loaded myself into the car and took a MUCH needed road trip. I don't often have days like yesterday. It was PERFECT!!! And since you all have to put up with my whining and kvetching all the time I thought it was only fair that you get some of the good stuff too.

I headed out in the morning for Grand Gulf State Park near Thayer, Missouri. It is a good 3 1/2 hour drive from here not counting stops. The temps were perfect. I didn't have to turn the A/C on at all. I rolled the window down and let it roar. I turned up the stereo to compensate and sang lustily and off key all the way to and fro.

The first part of the drive was a bit boring because it's just highway and I have been down Highway 60 so often that there's not much to see. I do enjoy the occasional Amish/Mennonite buggy. It looks like such a peaceful way to travel...at least I imagine it is if the cars will cooperate.

I had not been to West Plains since I was about 15 or so. I attended church camp near there one summer. I saw the sign for the camp and felt a twinge of nostalgia. That week started out rough but over all it was a good experience. I wonder what all those girls in my cabin are doing now. I kept up with some of them for awhile but we all drifted apart as you do. I hope they have had most excellent lives.

I found the park and was surprised at how crowded the parking lot area was. There did not seem to be a commensurate number of people on the trails. They must have been off down in the hole. After taking the less scenic path...I always pick the wrong one by the way...I finally made it to the more interesting area. It is a fascinating formation. The "gulf" or canyon was made by the collapse of a cave roof umpteen years ago. I think it would be more interesting in the winter when there is less foliage and you can see more clearly.

I contemplated not venturing down all those stairs and then I thought...hell...what's the point of driving all this way Karen if you don't. So...off I went. It was easier than I thought since they had thoughtfully made a lot of landings to stop on. I made it to the bottom in a reasonable amount of time for someone of my years and girth. It was really beautiful down there. The waterfall was not running much because we have not had much rain of late but I could imagine how beautiful it would be with more runoff. Still...I stood there by myself and took it all in and thought...yes...this is where faeries live. I know I am a grown ass woman but I believe they can exist so there. I would love to go down into the actual canyon next time but that requires you go off trial and climb down a bit and I didn't fell safe doing that by myself.

I stood there for a bit just taking it in and then noticed the butterflies!!! It was butterfly central down there. There was a whole butterfly clan down there at the bottom of the steps. They were the big, beautiful blue ones. I need to look up their official names but they were magnificent and in such a mood to be still for pictures. Maybe they were the faeries in butterfly form? What a nice thought. It was one of those once in a lifetime moments and I will never forget it.

Then I began the process of going back up the stairs. My knees were amazingly cooperative. Yes...they crunched the whole way...but they let me walk up like a normal human being instead of one step at a time. I made it to the top with several little rest stops. I must say by the time I made it the 70 feet back up my heart had something to say about it. I sat down by the flagpole and listened to it complain. It went something like this..."OMG!!!...WHAT THE FUCK was that????...we don't do that...that was exercise...have you lost your mind...OMG...pound...pound...I'm just leaving this chest if you are going to abuse me like this...pound...pound...SHIT...and so on and so on"

It did finally get over itself and we made it back to the car. I plugged everything back up and headed out...reminding myself that I could reward myself with a stop at the Dairy Queen in West Plains...YES!!! I picked up my Oreo Blizzard as my reward and it was awesome! I know it kind of defeats the purpose to go and have a nice hike and then have ice cream but at my age those sort of rules go out the window. Incentive is the name of the game right now. It was yummy and I have no remorse.

I decided to head back a different and more scenic route. Wise choice! Have I mentioned that I LOVE to drive? Well I do. The car and I are one. My car is my freedom. It takes me to new places...it gets me outside in the fresh air and sunshine...it allows me to sing freely and loudly...just the act of driving calms and refreshes me. I may be physically tired after a long trip but I NEED the expression that driving gives me. It feeds my soul. I digress...anyway...I headed back this new way and it was interesting until I got to highway 125 and then it got cosmic.

OMG!!! it was the perfect experience. The windows were down...it was cool...the music was loud...the pavement was dry...it wound through the Mark Twain National Forest...the road was dappled with sun and shade...it was astoundingly curvy without being TOO curvy. The car and I wove through the curves as if we were dancing. It was cosmic. It was magical. It was a good thing I didn't have a passenger as they may have not embraced my passion for taking the curves quite so much. I think I may have had a big O half way up the road...yes...it was that awesome. I will never forget it. I must do it again sometime.

To sum it all up...I had the most awesome...perfect day and quite frankly I deserved it. It has been a rough August. I needed this break really badly. Hopefully I will use the rest of my holiday weekend wisely and be all refreshed to get ready for my vacation adventure coming up in a couple of weeks. I am a happy camper!! Enjoy it while it last my friends!!

Sometimes the darkness wins.

A friend commented today that I have been quiet and wanted to know if I was okay. This blog is by way of a back-handed apology for not texting her back. I am sorry. I did not have the emotional energy to text all of what's been going on.

It's been a rough three weeks or so with those little demons I live with and I am not talking about the dogs. I did pretty well off and on with fighting the darkness with my thyroid cancer scare. I did mostly okay...except for the day where I was bequeathing all my earthly possessions in my mind. I survived that and although I am having some issues with my thyroid...vis a vis...swallowing and blitzing anxiety attacks...I was doing okay. I was just beginning to come back out of the weird potential death zone when they called me for jury duty.

I dutifully showed up and wound up getting picked to be the first alternate and was looking at three days off of work. I do get paid for that time so it sounds like it would be a nice diversion right? No...it was a capital murder case. It started on Wednesday and wound up Friday morning in a mistrial for one of the stupidest reasons known to man. I will not wander into all that...let's just leave it at I was well and truly pissed off about the mistrial. It was a waste of time and money.

But aside from being pissed off about the mistrial it was a very disturbing case. I will not get into gory details but let me just say that the crime scene photos on the big screen TV are not going to leave my memory...EVER!! It was very upsetting and disturbing on every level you can think of and it's left me a little bit shaken. It also opened the rabbit hole wide and I dived in for a bit. All I could think about for a day or two was a woman I know who could easily wind up in the same position as this poor victim someday because she has no one to really look out for her and she does put herself in vulnerable places. It's been hard.

I was just starting to calm down from my mistrial hissy fit when I went up front at work and was glancing at the paper and just happened to see an article detailing how a professor of mine from my Master's program had been murdered in his home Wednesday and his wife wounded. I was just shocked that this could happen. He was a good professor and he was very kind to me when mom's illness and death landed right in the middle of my trying to finish up my degree and graduate. I just don't understand the senseless evil of such an act. Needless to say this opened up the rabbit hole into something more resembling a rabbit canyon.

So I spent a quiet weekend trying to re-boot and not doing a really good job at it. I have begun to crawl out into the light a bit today. It's getting better but I am just limiting my human contact for a bit. Withdrawing into myself to try and get out of my own way. Interacting with folks at work is about all I can muster right now. So...if you don't hear from me and I seem quiet...I really am okay. I am just trying to make sense of a lot of things that have been thrown my way these past few weeks. I will process it all and I will be back but for now I just have to sit with myself and find my center again. See you all soon!!

Surly Girl Explained

Some of you may have noticed that I have not been my usual, jovial, snarky self lately. Well I cannot excuse my behavior but I will try to explain it a bit.

I have been out of sorts for about 3 weeks now due to some health issues. As a result I have been erratic, moody, pre-occupied, angry, absent and okay...all within the same 15 minute time frame sometimes. Mostly...right now I am pre-occupied and I just don't have a lot of emotional energy to give folks.

Here's the deal...I went to a new GP and he did the routine blood work. He said my thyroid was elevated by one point over the high so he wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure "there was nothing growing on it." Well...turns out my thyroid is enlarged and I have multiple nodules on both sides. Some of them are "suspicious looking". So I had to sit with this for 2 weeks until they could run a thyroid uptake scan. I took a radioactive iodine pill and let it absorb for 24 hours and then they measured the rate the thyroid took up the iodine in order to produce the hormone.

Evidently my thyroid is an overachiever because it came back at 40 whereas it's usually in the 20s. This means it is showing hyperactive. Then they did 3 ten minutes scans/x-rays. On the upside the high absorption rate means it should give them a really good look at the

thyroid and the nodules. On the down side...and this is where the moodiness comes in...some of the nodules might be cancerous. We don't know yet for sure. Hopefully I will know something tomorrow.

So that's it really...I have been struggling with whether to wait to post anything until I know for sure but folks are wondering. I am out of sorts because I don't know if I have thyroid cancer or not and that's making me a bit erratic. I am hoping the odds are in my favor because thyroid cancer is rare but unitl they tell me something the being in limbo is a bit stressful to say the least.

So I apologize if I have been a bit cranky with anyone. I am trying not to be but some days I am just holding it together with masking tape. You will all have to bear with me until I process my way through this news and try to make sense of where I go from here. Now...my eyeballs are getting fuzzy so I must say goodnight.

Past and Present...a Reunion

This weekend was my 35th high school reunion and I thought I might ramble on about that for a bit.

High school was such a strange time for me. I was still VERY shy and withdrawn inside my own head. What most of my classmates did not know was that my father was very emotionally abusive and my mother was very shut down and I had been the victim of sexual abuse by a neighbor so that by the time I got to high school I had the self-esteem of a gnat. I was also having issues with my sexuality but actually was NOT aware of the fact that that was the problem. I just thought I was weird and socially awkward. I knew that I did not have a clue how to be a girl but I did not exactly want to be a boy either. It was confusing and miserable at times.

That being said...I am constantly fascinated by the impact spending four years with this particular group of people has had on my life. I know I would not have survived public school. I would not have been able to deal with the larger classes and the pressure to conform. Not to mention the bullying that existed even back then. I would not have made it. I would have taken my anxiety and rolled myself up into a little ball and ran away.

I know that high school was not perfect but for the most part these kids that I shared the experience with made it possible for me to survive and come out on the other side. Whether they knew it or not their laughter and their personalities helped me navigate a very difficult time for me. After all these years the thing I remember most about them is the laughter. That's really it...that is the most important thing that has stuck with me. My class had a lot of big personalities who were, as confident as high school kids can be, at ease with that and really let their humor run rampant. Their laughter and their willingness to not ostracize that weird girl who never talked are what I remember the most.  They allowed me to just be me. 

I have not stayed in close touch with most of my classmates. Elaine and I have managed to stay friends since the second grade, which says a lot about her patience. But I find it so interesting that these people that I have not seen or spoken to in 15 years or more still mean so much to me. I care about their lives and their kids and their grandkids. Even though I find it so bizarre that we are old enough to have grown children and grandchildren. In my mind we are still the kids we once were.

We will all continue on with our lives and who knows when I will see or speak to many of them again. Social media does at least make keeping aware of their travels in life more possible but for the most part we will all continue on our separate ways. I just wanted to say thank you to all the members of the McAuley High School Class of 81'. You are all important to me and I hope you continue to prosper and enjoy your families and your lives and please keep the laughter alive.

Namaste