Sometimes It's Okay

This my friend Mr. Llama. I just go with the fact that he is a he. I am not really sure since I have never gotten up close and personal with said llama. I just randomly picked a gender because I am afraid to go up to the house and ask the people about him because I am afraid I will in turn wind up on the ward. Because, you see, I intentionally seek him out to make sure he's okay and I talk to him He does not really talk back which I am thinking is a good thing, but we chat. I ask him how he is doing. He stares at me like I am crazy and chews grass. It's a nice relationship. I tell everyone how cool he is and so he's sort of a celebrity amongst the people who tolerate my weirdness on a daily basis. Now lest you think I discriminate I also talk to the cows, goats, sheep, possums, vultures, birds and whatever else I might encounter out in the country. 

I think one of the reasons I like Mr. Llama is that he just seems so Zen all the time. He is so calm and serene and still. The reason I am waxing poetic about my llama friend today is that this has been one of those rare, weird, days where I am very calm and very still. They do not happen often as my anxiety is usually a 24/7 drama fest. I may seem calm on the outside but I guarantee you things are going nuts on the inside. Every once in awhile, though, my brain, or the universe, or whoever, cuts me some slack and gives me a day of calmness and stillness that I never take for granted. 

Normally being quiet and still and restful does not work for me. I get easily bored and restless and like to beat myself up for not doing anything productive. I am slowly realizing that I need to knock that shit off. It's okay to not constantly be progressing somewhere. Enough Karen! It is okay to be lazy and nappish and just hang out around the house and chill. Once it warmed up some the boys and Kitten Face and I have been enjoying the open windows and the fresh air, even if it is laden with so much pollen it makes my head feel like it wants to explode. That's okay...that's what Nasacort is for anyway. 

I worked some out in the yard and discovered a cute birds nest. I listened to all the birds singing their happy spring songs. I listened to the mourning doves trying to get frisky. They are making a nest under the awning, over my front door, again this year. I watched one of my boys (turkey vulture...it's a long story) sailing on the air currents overhead and informed him I was not dead yet so he moved on. I watched the carpenter bees hovering around the tulip tree in the back. It's finished blooming but they still hover anyway and when they get close enough you can hear the hum of their wings. I wondered at the amount of traffic that comes down my alley...it's weird. It's not a street people. 

I sat in my patio chair with my bare feet on the concrete and was just quiet and still for the longest time...just taking it all in. At one point I noticed I was rocking in my chair and that was okay too. For one brief, shining moment I was actually living in the moment today. Being mindful and living in the moment seems like it should be such an easy thing to do but it's really not. There are so many distractions. My brain being the primary culprit. But today has been gloriously calm and centered and awesome and for that I am so very, very grateful. Maybe my brain and I can build on this day and make our lives better because today, even if it's just for today, I have felt calm and centered and alive. I have actually felt unabashedly happy and I am not going to over analyze. I am just going to let it be. Well done me! Namaste Karen...you have earned it.