Adventurers in Incontinence

My computer got stuck in update land last night so I did not get to share the best part of my adventure yesterday. I was out and about checking out the water levels and taking pictures because I am just weird like that...I blame my dad. He trained me to always be nosy and to go out and see for yourself what was happening. I also get twitchy every time I hear a siren because Dad was a notorious ambulance chaser. No...he was not a lawyer...he just always wanted to know what was going on. I don't know if it was just nosiness or morbid curiosity or just the challenge of trying to follow them...who knows.

Anyway...I was out east of Carthage trying to navigate around and take pictures while avoiding actually driving through anything. I was not planning on drowning yesterday so I make it a habit to not drive through swiftly running or deep water. If you have ever gotten stuck with your Dad on Francis Street in Carthage because he tried to drive through and the truck stalled and you were terrified and he was pissed because you were terrified you would understand. I am digressing and clearly need to talk to my therapist about that little adventure.

Back to the story...I was out driving and all of the sudden my bladder said...HEY...I have to pee...NOW! NO...we cannot make it back into town...NO this is not merely a suggestion...we have to PEE NOW!! Since I did not have a change of clothes with me and I did not want to pee in my new car I had to try to appease the urinary gods of incontinence. So I did a quick inventory of my options. And fortunately for me I was right at the perfect place. The area was deserted because no sane people were out and about. It was kind of like the zombie apocalypse out there actually. So I pulled into a place I shall not name for fear of that someone may actually know the place. But let's just say it is a place where people's relatives are enjoying their eternal slumber.

I know it's disrespectful but it was an emergency! I drove to the far back of the cemetery hoping the road was not too soft. I found a spot where I could go that would not be close to anyone's loved one. I do have some morals. There used to be an outhouse there so I feel moderately justified. I unbuckled my seat belt and it started pouring again...I mean POURING! But I was committed now...the seat belt was off my belt was half undone and my bladder was trying to start without me. So I open the door...get out and manage to get my pants down in the nick of time. The rain is pouring down my back and then a bolt of lightening goes off about 20 or so feet away. I could feel its energy it was that close. I yanked up my jeans and hopped back in the car and pondered the meaning of life for a second. Oh...and my bladder said thank you Jesus!

I thought to myself...shit...that would have just been typical. I could have been struck by lightening and they would have found me in the back of the cemetery with the car running and my pants around my ankles and my big ass bare for all to see. And I thought...dang I could have died and no one would have known the story and I would have REALLY wanted that put on my tombstone. "She died taking a piss in a cemetery during a thunderstorm." It's so much more interesting than other options available to me. So I am getting the word out. If something bizarre ever happens to me I want someone to do some digging...think creatively...because the weirdest explanation is probably what I was doing and immortalize it somewhere. I want to go out with my weird banner flying proudly. Do that for me and I promise not to haunt you if that option is available to me.

Earth Day Chats

As I have noted here before I often find myself conversing with whatever critters I might happen upon on my drives. Usually it's cows, or dogs, or cats, or turtles, or hawks, or horses, or goats...anyway you get my drift. I find myself saying the same sorts of things over and over again. I think the most popular...in no particular order of importance are:
"What's up cows?" "Sheep!!!!" "Goats!!!!" "BABIES!!!!""Get out of the road!" "What have you got in your mouth?" "Should you be eating that?" "You scared the crap out of me!" "Be careful!" "What are you doing?" "Oh...please sit still little bird..aw rats!" "Aren't you pretty?" And "Thank you!"

Yesterday I noticed that, per usual in the Spring, I was talking a lot to my friends the turkey vultures. The vultures and I have an unusual relationship. For some reason I feel the need to critique their behavior. I think it's because when I just talk to them normally they give me that condescending look they always wear. It's that same look I used to get if I accidently cursed in front of a nun...you know the look. This causes me to immediately retort..."oh yeah...well you're butt ugly and you eat road kill so I wouldn't be so smug if I were you!" (This is said to the vultures...never to a nun.)

In about the span of four miles I had several chats with the dead breath kids. The first was "What are you four fighting over? Ah...a possum...well done...carry on." A mile down the road there were three in a field and I could not figure out what they were doing so I stopped since no other sane person was on that road in the cold rain. I figured out two were fighting...I assume over the babe with them because they were not eating. Since I hate fighting and confrontation in general I rolled down the window and proceeded to yell at them until they broke it up and the one combatant flew away. I was quite pleased with my peace making efforts.

Another mile down the road I thought what the heck is going on down here. It's a convention. This can't be good. There were nine of them and guess what they were doing? That's right...fighting over a tiny little smushed bunny. NINE...of...them! I just stopped and looked at them..."Really? Nine of you...there's a possum a couple miles west of here you might want to check out because this is just sad." "Oh and you might want to move because the next farmer in a big truck might not care if he takes you out and then you know what comes next right? That's right. Your friends are relatives here eat you! So get your asses out of the road because that tiny bunny is not worth it dudes."

Later on I had a discussion with two more brilliant vultures who were fighting over a raccoon in the middle of a bridge. "Um...middle of the bridge guys...this is why the raccoon didn't make it in the first place...not a good plan." They just gave me the look and flew off into a tree.

I love chatting with the boys and girls of the "I eat dead things" crowd. I think they really appreciate sarcasm. I think if they could speak English we could have quite the chat and I am sure it would be rude and delightful. So the next time you see one doing something ridiculous or stupid please feel free to tell them so and you can use my name as a reference. I am sure I have a rep. Get outside people!!!