Why is it that my 3 legged Baker can see the cat in the kitchen, can whine at said cat in the kitchen, jump up on the cabinet door to annoy said cat and yet still run straight back to the Armoire and obsess about the cat he has just seen in the KITCHEN?? And why does he try to open closed doors by banging his nose into them? That has got to sting a bit.
And why is my neighbor choosing to stand out in her yard and yell at the woman across the street about whatever drama they are choosing to have today? This isn't the trailer park sister. Either go over there and duke it out or shut up about it and go inside. Because oddly enough...I don't give a damn!
When I go out to see my friends' band play I like to call it going to the Drunken Olympics. The Drunken Olympics has many great events. One of my favorites in the Dirty Dancing portion of the program. If I could wash my eyeballs I would sometimes.
Then there is the Toilet Expedition portion that is open to all contestants. There are many phases to this event. There is the where is the bathroom investigation...followed by the is it remotely clean check out...rapidly followed by the question portion of the evening. Does it have doors or shower curtains? Are there anything remotely resembling locks and if I lock said door can I unlock it to get out? Does it have paper towels or those air thingies? I hate those air thingies. Does it have a handicapped stall so I can get back up? Why does it have a sissy bar for a handicapped person but the toilet is so low a dwarf would have issues getting back up off it? This is closely related to the if I shut this door it will be right up against my knees but I REALLY have to pee and now that I am down here how on earth am I going to get back up? Panic can strike at this moment but you must remain calm while you try to figure out how you can get up without EMT assistance. Men...this is why we go to the bathroom together...it's all about a potential rescue.
Another great event is the I play guitar too and I can tell you what you are doing wrong portion of the evening. Always an awkward favorite of mine. This is closely related to the Play "Freebird" portion of the evening. The more advanced competitors even offer bribes but the band remains true to their ideals and pretends like they don't know it. Big points for denial right there.
Then there's the two drunken girls dancing event. You don't see this every time because they travel in pairs and it's hard to coordinate their schedules I do believe. There's the I started the evening out being normal but now I just keep getting louder and louder event. This is not a gender specific event. Both men and women can compete on an even obnoxious field. Ah..fun times right there.
Why does the media insist that I must care about what "celebrities" are doing every second of the day? I REALLY...REALLY...don't care. I don't care about ANY of the Kardashians. I don't care about who Kristen Stewart is dating. I don't care about rumors of divorces and breakups. I don't care if Justin Bieber misses Selena Gomez. Seriously...I really don't care. None of this has anything to do with living my life. Strangely enough I do not need the details of their private lives to distract me from mine.
Okay...I think my brain is tired now. I had a whole political diatribe typed out here but I deleted it. I am just too tired to play the hate game right now. Just make it stop people. Just STOP!
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