For the last year or so I have been having a fairly mediocre relationship with a small cyst in my right boob. I didn't name her or anything but we've just been hanging out together. She was about the size of small marble and I knew who she was so I just accepted her presence and went with it. I made sure my x-ray tech knew about her at my last mammogram. It came back okay so we have just been living with each other with no expectations except to co-exist peacefully.
My boobs and I have always had a weird relationship. I was born with them and I tolerate them but I have never been just all that fond of carrying them around. I understand that they are very important to a lot of women, and of course the entire male population of the world but to me they are just something to contain and manage. When you are younger and actually have a libido they can be quite festive but as you age and hit menopause they seem less exiting. And for a lot of us who have breast cancer in our family tree the older you get the more you feel like they are simply ticking time bombs.
So...as I said...my cyst and I had just been hanging out together but this past holiday weekend something changed. Somehow I seem to have offended her and she became angry with me. I thought...WELL...how dare she get angry with me I shall just call my doctor and we shall see about ending this relationship if she's going to be all grumpy and shit. She was trying to vent her displeasure so much so that her little face was turning red and she was making my cleavage an inhospitable zone.
I was practicing my procrastination superpowers on Thursday when I noticed a shift in the breast/cyst dynamic. I was heading out to lunch and went to the bathroom and I thought I had better check on her because all of a sudden she was not cranky anymore and I had not take any Ibuprofen to appease her. I lifted up my shirt in the bathroom at work and HOLY SHIT she was 4 times as big as she was the day before when I checked. I thought...hmmm...that's not good. I debated for a minute or so and then fled to urgent care. They were not too busy so I only had to be KIND of quiet while I had to describe my "issue" to the helpful person at the desk. I mean...you don't want to announce to the whole waiting room that your right tit is about to explode...although that might clear it out for you.
I explained it again for the nurse who made a scrunchy face when she saw it and then again for the doctor who amazingly enough repeated the exact same scrunchy face when he saw it. He was a very nice man so I did not roll my eyes at him when he stated the obvious that it was infected and had abscessed. I thought...only me...only I seem to have this weird shit happen. So I gowned up and prepared for the unpleasantness that awaited me. The nurse and I had great fun tying to fold the pillow into an actual pillow type shape so I could lie on the table without feeling like I had just lost a vigorous game of Twister with a bunch of double-jointed tater tots. The doctor came back in and I apologized to them both. I said..."I'm sorry about this...I know this is not what you wanted to do today." WHY do I do that??? I always apologize when I have weird stuff. Not only do I have to pay for the service but I apologize to them for having to perform it. There could be something seriously wrong with me.
He asked if I had ever been through something like this before and you should have seen his face when I burst out with this odd, maniacal laugh and proceeded to tell him about my Peri-rectal abscess I had about 8 years ago. He laughed and said..."Well this is going to be a walk in the park then for you." Yea me! Then he proceeded to apologize to me as he stuck a needle into my right tit to numb it. Can I just tell you how festive that was?? Then he said..."Unless your evil twin pops out of here we will just take a little culture and send it off to make sure you are not growing odd stuff in there." Then he opened up my own personal boob skylight and left it open to do its thing.
I then...went back to work because I am a dumb ass and I was feeling all cocky because it was numbed up and I had a prescription for giant ass antibiotics. Can I just mention here that 850 milligrams of Augmentin twice a day does your intestines no favors? I was not nearly so cocky when the numbness left. I came home after a stop at Walgreens for really big band-aids and my antibiotics. I decided to put on my jammies and put on a clean band aid. So I PEELED the old band aid off and said..."Oh would you look at that...I think I will pass out now." That is when self-preservation kicked in and my brain said NOOOOO...don't pass out...while you are unconscious the boys will either lick your boobs or pee on you...neither one of these bears thinking about so I stayed upright and re-covered my new easy access boob.
I hope my cyst is happy now. Our relationship is so over. I have an appointment Monday for a referral to a surgeon to have her removed permanently. I do not hope she is happy. I am very bitter that she betrayed me in such a heinous fashion. Tick...tick...tick....
