Death of an Illusion

This road sign reflects my mood of late. I have delayed writing a post-election blog while I attempted to sort out my emotions and work my way through the stages of grief. I appear to be stuck in the anger phase but feel I may be working my way into a soul numbing sense of acceptance.

Folks seem to think that those of us of a more liberal disposition need to just suck it up and deal with it. They seem to think this election was just about politics. They are fools. This election was about the death of an American illusion.

I am a smart cookie if I do say so myself and I have been educated by numerous other smart cookies ending in a MA in History. Therefore I have never lived under the illusion that America was EVER great. People like to wrap themselves up in the flag and congratulate themselves about how great this country is and how morally superior we are above all others. That is an illusion people. We started this country not out of a noble quest for freedom and rights...it was all about not wanting to pay taxes. A group of very wealthy, white, slave-holding men decided they did not want to pay their taxes. Sound familiar?

Over the 200+ years of our existence we have gleefully committed genocide amongst the Native Americans who rightfully owned this country. We murdered them, we intentionally and unintentionally gave them our diseases, we broke treaties when it suited us, we forced them off their land because we wanted it for our own and we exiled them to reservations. We are the original illegal immigrants. You can lie to yourself and claim that your ancestors were pioneers settling an untamed land. No...your ancestors just marched in here because they could and stole what they could and claimed the moral high ground because they were white and Christian and therefore entitled to dominate those "heathens".  

We enslaved an entire race of people to do our work for us and we had to almost tear this country apart to end the practice. We have propped up dictators who murdered thousands of their own people because it suited our needs. We have assassinated world leaders who did not acquiesce to our needs. We have caused death, hunger and starvation to suit our own political ambitions. We had a brief shining moment during WWII where we began to act like civilized and responsible human beings but even then we tainted that by interning innocent Japanese-American citizens in camps because they might be a danger to our security. You can lie to yourself and tell yourself it was not racist...they were a danger to our national security...right...it sounds a little hollow when the Japanese-Americans were not sharing those camps with Americans of German or Italian descent.

The list of our bad acts just goes on and on. So no...I have never thought of this country as great. I have always thought we were self-serving, greedy, materialistic bullies and quite frankly I am surprised the rest of the world has put up with us for so long.

And yet...I still lived under an illusion. Not so much that we were great...I knew that not to be true...yet an illusion still. You see over my 54 years on Earth we have changed a lot. I was still cautious that the change was real but it seemed to be real. I had hope when Barrak Obama ran for president but in my heart I was doubtful that people would put aside their racism to elect a black man as president. I did not expect to see that in my lifetime. I was so proud of us for a brief shining second. I thought maybe...just maybe...we are changing for their better. Then it all came crashing down with 8 years of barely disguised racist hatred for a man trying to do an impossible job for a bunch of spoiled brats who only wanted more stuff for themselves. Don't sit back now and claim you quietly accepted his election and that liberals should now do the same. I saw the burning effigies, the fake lynchings the building of personal armories. I remember the "hysteria" about him being Muslim and instituting Sharia Law and all the other bull shit that came out of your mouths so don't play that game with me.

I thought we were getting better. There was more acceptance of inter-racial couples. There was more integration of Hispanic immigrants into our culture. There was more tolerance of the LGBT community. Younger people seemed to driving real social change in this country. I allowed my self to hope. I bought into the illusion that we were making our society better at last. In my heart I believed that people were inherently good. That when it counted they would find it in their hearts to do the right thing. I was wrong.

That is why I am so upset and so angry and so very done with people (with a few notable exceptions). I feel betrayed by my friends, my family, and the complete strangers I have to deal with every day. I thought that when confronted with two pretty awful candidates for president that they would do the right thing. I thought they would put aside their distaste for Hillary Clinton and their general misogyny that they refuse to admit to and do the right thing. That they would realize they were voting, not so much for her, but for a more open and accepting society. I thought they would vote for common decency and would realize that voting for Trump would be unleashing hatred and bigotry upon a society that was finally making progress. But no...once again the tendency to be selfish and greedy and materialistic took over and they voted for a completely morally bankrupt man who has no clue how to lead this country. A petty man who threatens and bullies and cheats and lies and steals all to get what HE wants. All this so the economy would improve...so they could make more money...pay less taxes...and get more stuff. They are fools. We are fools.

So now I sit back and I watch Trump nominate men who are openly racist and intolerant to important posts in his government. I sit back and watch foolish people say "give the man a chance". I sit and I wait to see how much violence and hatred those who supported Trump are willing to tolerate before they stand up and say no more. I wait to see if those few rights that I do have are taken away. The rights you all take for granted have never belonged to me and now I know you think that I don't deserve them anyway. You told me so when you voted for him. So you will have to excuse me if I am angry and upset and don't want to talk or seem occupied and distracted. I am trying to decide how to live in my new reality. I am trying to decide who to eliminate from my life because you don't really care about me or my rights anyway. I am trying to find a way not to hate everyone who betrayed my illusion. I am trying to find my place in society again. I don't trust any of you anymore and that is going to last a long, long time. You destroyed my illusion that deep down people are really good and I will not forgive you for that any time soon.

Ode to the Boys of Summer

I have a complicated relationship with baseball. In its purest form I love and adore baseball. I love the smell and feel of both ball and glove. I find holding a baseball to be very soothing. I come by it honestly. My mother and at least one of her brothers were devoted to the game. I remember her talking about Mike and one of the Eimer boys playing in the yard for hours and she would always try to play too. That's how she got that black eye that one time. Uncle Mike had piles of those statistics books around the house. He died before we could talk him into Fantasy Baseball. I bet he would have been awesome at it.

My mom is the one who taught me how to throw a ball properly. She had quite the arm. She would play catch with me when I could get her to stop for a second. Mom was the ultimate fan of the St. Louis Cardinals. If she could not get the game on TV she would have her earphone plugged into the transistor radio. She would nap on and off but she caught every game she could and when I moved to Springfield to go to graduate school she would call me with score updates.The Cardinals were her escape when she retired and had to deal with dad 24/7.

One of my best friends growing up was Michael and he and I would play catch for hours. I loved going to watch his games. Girls weren't allowed to play baseball back then and softball was a poor substitute so I quit that pretty early on. I loved going out to Municipal Park and hanging out at the ball fields. That was the place to be in the 70's let me tell you. It was packed all summer long with families and kids and the sounds of baseball and summer and community.

When I could not spend time with Michael, his mother hated me quite frankly, I would spend hours playing with my pitch back or throwing a tennis ball up on the roof and catching it. You had to be resourceful when you had no siblings. Sometimes the neighborhood kids would get together and we would go down the block and play in an empty field. No one died. It was awesome! 

When I was in undergraduate school I developed a secret and forbidden passion for the Chicago Cubs. You see I took morning classes and so would be home in the afternoon. Back in the 80's the Chicago Star Tribune owned both the Cubs and WGN so they aired all the Cubs and most of the White Sox games. The Cubs always played their home games at 1:30 in the afternoon. I would sit in my bedroom and work on my homework while watching the games and developed a soft spot for them that remains to this day.

My mother was not best pleased but she loved me too much to ostracize me over my misguided ways. I am sure she thought it was a phase I would grow out of one day. But that lingering love for the Cubs has stuck with me. It ebbs and wanes with whatever is going on in my life but it's always there lurking. One of my most favorite experiences ever was going to Wrigley Field in 1997. It was April and it was cold and the Cubs had started the season 0-10 and it only got worse from there but I was in heaven. I loved every freezing cold, lousy, losing minute. I wonder whatever happened to that guy that got smacked in head with a ball during batting practice. He was concentrating on his nachos and it was not pretty. I will never forget the sound.It was and is a magical place.

In the last 20 years or so baseball has done its level best to destroy itself. It started with the ridiculous salaries and peaked with rampant steroid/HGH era. The games are too long and the pitching changes ridiculous. The uniforms and the players have become clownish at times. I mean you run the gambit from the traditional short pants and stirrup socks to tailored uniforms to these ridiculous pajama pants they wear nowadays. Those have really got to go. And for God sakes can you please look the like the professionals you are supposed to be and not like you have just come in from the woods and thrown on whatever you could find and hit the field. It's insulting to the game and the fans to come out on the field looking like you just rolled out of bed. Jason Werth I am looking at you dude. For all the good instant replay has done on the bases you still cannot find umpires who have any concept of a strike zone. Sometimes it's so laughable that you have to wonder if they are betting on the spread. Please MLB get a grip and save yourself before you become an afterthought to the NBA. I can't include the NFL because they are doing a fine job killing themselves.

All that being said the Cubs finally winning the World Series has brought some joy to this year of political insanity, violence and social media hell. I cursed at the TV, I called Joe Maddon all sorts of unattractive names, I had a major temper tantrum during game 7 and I cried and danced for joy when they finally found a way to win despite their manager. Congratulations Cubbies!!! And thank you for reminding me why I love the game in its purest form. I may not always like the package the professionals are presenting but at its core is a love for the game the way it was meant to be played.